How to be the Best – A Short Story by Craig Ainsley

Be the best you


If you want to be the best, you have to work hard.

Speak to anyone who is the best at anything and they all have one thing in
common: they work really, really hard.

When you’re sleeping in, they’re working.

When you’re scrolling through your Facebook wall, they’re working.

And when they do sleep, they’re dreaming about what they’re working towards.

How do I know this?

Well, I’m one of those people.

And what’s my forte? What is it that I work so hard at? What is it that I’m the best
in the world at?

Doing nothing.

I do the least out of any man, woman or child on the planet.

I get up every afternoon and just roll over and go back to sleep.

That’s what it takes if you want to be the best.

Dedication. Drive. Self-belief.

I’m doing fuck all 24/7.

And you can’t back down for a second. You can’t rest.

If for just one day I get up early and do some stuff, then there’s someone else out
there who is doing absolutely nothing and therefore building a competitive edge
over me.

It hasn’t been an easy journey.

I took risks.

I sacrificed everything to be where I am now, which is laid flat on a chaise lounge.

My love life suffered, but I was like, ‘Hey, babe, my work comes first. You have to
respect that.’

I missed my child’s first steps because I was busy laying on the couch.

I also missed her in her first school play because I was at home scratching my

As my mother’s coffin was being lowered into the ground I was at home working
hard on a biiig, biiig nap.

But it was worth it – eventually I was becoming so successful at doing nothing
that it was time to quit my day job.

Nothing will stop me.

I am 100% determined. 100% motivated.

I learned from my heroes.


Tree sloths.


All masters of the art of doing squat.

I’m standing on the shoulders of giants.

And that’s why I’m the best.

That’s why, when they write the history books, (You know, those history books
that people write) my name will be there.

The king.

The undisputed, undefeated heavy weight champion of doing absolutely zero activity.

I hope my words have been inspiring to you.

Because I believe that you too, with the right mental attitude and drive, can
achieve great things.

So, class of 2016, I’m FaceTiming you today from this massage parlour, just post
my pre-bedtime nap, with this powerful message.

Work. Work as hard as you possibly can.

That’s the only secret.

And one day you could reach the heights of me.

Now goodnight. It’s 4pm – bedtime.

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