The Greatest Toasted Sandwiches of All Time

Just how when you’ve invested in a Sodastream you won’t go back to having fizzyless water ever again, if you’ve got a contraption that can toast a sandwich, god dammit, the bread in your house better get used to being hot as hell. And crunchy. And very fucking cheesy. There’s just no other way to do it, and when I say I have four toasted sandwiches/week, I might even be under-exaggerating to spare my shame. The same shame that whispers in my ear throughout the night, every night. Anyway, don’t worry about that – here are the best toasted sandwiches you can have!

Beef, cheese and jalapeños – the “j” in jalapeños is pronounced like you’re gently clearing your throat before a big speech, and at the end of the word – syllable four – it’s a soft “ños” that’s more like “nyos” with a phantom “y” in the middle. Why am I talking about semantics? I have no idea. The point is this is delicious.

Reuben – is it Lithuanian? Is it German? These are the kinds of questions that people stopped caring about hundreds of years ago. Is it nice? That’s the question. And the answer is you better fucking believe it’s nice. It’s got everything. Salted meat, fermented cabbage. What more could a girl want?

Cheese and Onion – sometimes you’ll go to an upmarket restaurant with a minimal menu, and they’ll say something like “beef and onions” but they don’t really mean “beef and onions”, do they? You ask what it is, like, actually in real life, and your waiter snickers and does a funny exaggerated “I don’t know what you mean?” face, but they know what you mean – they also know you’re about to have your dick blown off by their “beef and onions”. But in this case, it is just cheese and onion.

Patty Melt – despite being allergic to the word “patty” – too close to panty – I make an exception when it’s paired with the word “melt”. The setup is a simple one, it’s a cheeseburger sandwich with toasted bread where a soft bun would traditionally be used. Done well, it’s ridiculous… but like when ridiculous means great.

Le Croque Monsieur – French for Mr Crocodile, this is actually a ham and cheese toastie with the extra addition of béchamel sauce and very occasionally a curious nutmegginess that you just can’t replicate at home… unless you have some nutmeg in the fridge. Then you can. You can also have a Croque Madame which includes an egg to symbolise breasts, or a vagina. Not sure. Or a Croque of Shit but that’s just when someone’s lying. It’s not a sandwich.

Cheese and Hot Sauce – look at you, you’re busy, always in a hurry. You’ve got lots to do before close of play, or end of play – but it’s not really play, it’s WORK – and you don’t have time for dicking around. This is for you. The cheese will keep you grounded and focused for the day ahead, while the hot sauce will invigorate your body to the point of orgasm. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Cheese and Beans – the taste professors at Gregg’s Family Bakery have long since prophesised the elevation of beans into less traditional formats. They put them in a bake, this guy – points at face, accidentally jabs eye – puts them in toasted sandwiches. All together now… cowabung… okay not that – EXCELLENT!

Welsh Rarebit – the story goes that a huntsman from Cardiff or Swansea or whatever went out looking for rabbits and instead found some cheese, eggs, mustard and a small bottle of ale. When asked what the fuck was going on, he/she introduced not “rabbit” but “rarebit”. And lo, cheese on toast was born.

Mackerel – FISH!?!?!! On a toasted sandwich? Are you goddam kidding me?? No, I’m not goddam kidding you at all. We’re talking smoked mackerel, we’re talking cheddar cheese, we’re talking a bit of horseradish, we’re talking pick it up and put it in your mouth, we’re talking now chew and digest it.

Tuna Melt – FISH!??!!! On a toasted sandwich? Wait sorry, wrong script. So the recipe here is tuna mayonnaise like you get in a tuna mayonnaise sandwich, but in a toastie with cheese providing the all-important “melt” part of the equation. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, a toasted sandwich can also be an equation.

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