A handful of very important thoughts
Photo by Camille Brodard on Unsplash
TV show idea: Baywatch, but unfortunately none of the lifeguards can swim
today’s lesson: don’t drink tea lying flat on your back
Trying to think what the weirdest thing in the world would be, and I think it might be if you held a baby and it had cigarette breath
the best way to wrap up a meeting is to say “okay that was dope as fuck”
“Good penising gentlemen, how are you penising this penis?” – impression of a nervous rookie police officer investigating a changing room murder
If I was a pilot, instead of “good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking” I’d say “right, let’s somehow get this enormous bus in the air!”
if you’re stuck in a job interview just lean in, whisper “does this answer your question?” and kiss them
There should be a whole TV show of people getting up from beanbags
You were on a treadmill, I was lifting weights and then panicking and shrieking for help. We should hook up
thatched cottages look like The Ramones
group photos are immediately cooler if you point at the person next to you like “who’s this guy?”
First: Gold
Second: Silver
Third: Bronze
Fourth: A badge
Fifth: Chocolate bar
Sixth: Angry phone call
Seventh: A picture of a disappointed child
Eighth – Death
there’s not a song in the world that can’t be enhanced by a group of backing singers going “shoobie-do-wap”
little tip: if you can’t afford a stress ball use someone’s testicle
My new charity seeks to find good happy homes for distressed denim
New character: Eunuch Powell
relax to the sounds of someone drilling every wall in their house