A handful of very important thoughts

Photo by Camille Brodard on Unsplash

TV show idea: Baywatch, but unfortunately none of the lifeguards can swim 

today’s lesson: don’t drink tea lying flat on your back

Trying to think what the weirdest thing in the world would be, and I think it might be if you held a baby and it had cigarette breath 

the best way to wrap up a meeting is to say “okay that was dope as fuck”

“Good penising gentlemen, how are you penising this penis?” – impression of a nervous rookie police officer investigating a changing room murder

If I was a pilot, instead of “good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking” I’d say “right, let’s somehow get this enormous bus in the air!”

if you’re stuck in a job interview just lean in, whisper “does this answer your question?” and kiss them

There should be a whole TV show of people getting up from beanbags 

You were on a treadmill, I was lifting weights and then panicking and shrieking for help. We should hook up  

thatched cottages look like The Ramones 

group photos are immediately cooler if you point at the person next to you like “who’s this guy?” 

First: Gold
Second: Silver
Third: Bronze
Fourth: A badge
Fifth: Chocolate bar
Sixth: Angry phone call
Seventh: A picture of a disappointed child 
Eighth – Death

there’s not a song in the world that can’t be enhanced by a group of backing singers going “shoobie-do-wap” 

little tip: if you can’t afford a stress ball use someone’s testicle

My new charity seeks to find good happy homes for distressed denim

New character: Eunuch Powell 

relax to the sounds of someone drilling every wall in their house