Tips for surviving Autumn

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Is it Autumn? It feels like it’s probably Autumn. When does Winter start? We’re in a strange grey area here but it doesn’t matter, because these tips will serve you well whichever way the wind blows…

Bin your salad lunches – you need salad in the summer so everyone can enjoy your weird concave stomach, but now we can all go back to looking newly pregnant again.

Reattach the legs to your cut-off denim shorts – and possibly the buttocks, and some of the outer vagina/balls coverage.

Shun pub gardens – the din of great banter has been replaced with an eerie silence occasionally broken by the sound of a fox meowing sarcastically at you.

Stop carrying bottles of water everywhere – you were so sexy with your high end water bottle accompanying you about the place, but now you look like you’re trying to hide a vodka problem.

Talking of which, change your drink – as the galloping reindeer hooves grow louder, so the temperature of your wine will get hotter. Time to pour the cold pink stuff into a river.

Adapt your dinner party music selection to something more autumnal – because nothing says “would you like another dollop of shepherd’s pie?” like Bon Iver wailing about something.

Don’t be fooled by the crunchy leaves underfoot – peer under any leaf and you’ll find an unattended dog shit looking to rehouse itself on your shoes.