More very important thoughts

Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash

My rule with cheese is that the smellier it is, the more I’m going to puke if I put it in my mouth

Advice: only ever tear your shirt open and shout “let it rain!” if you know it’s definitely going to start raining

clogs make it virtually impossible to sneak up on people 

Is there an emoji for “remember to rinse the aubergines”?

Does breast milk count as dairy?

A beautiful Christmas advert would be the time I was given a leather wallet by my grandparents when I was seven

run a bath, light some candles, stop eating crisps

there should be a character in Game of Thrones who’s never listening during rousing speeches 

If you want to tell someone that they’ve got spinach in their teeth but you don’t know how, just pop a pair of mirrored sunglasses on

I really miss the old magic of Mental Health Awareness Week, before it went all commercial 

On your first night in prison you should always play the harmonica very very slowly

The best bit of the London Marathon is when they spend six months asking you for money  

No one chunders quite as casually as a baby

Is it weird to order kidneys off the menu with so many people waiting for transplants?

Short film idea: two pigeons are getting off with each other while another pigeon looks on in tears and another pigeon says “don’t worry mate” and puts his arm around the pigeon that’s crying, but then guess what? That’s right, they kiss each other on the lips

The best way to end a bar brawl is to start an orgy

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