71 Tips to ENSURE you ace a job interview

Published: 1st Dec, 2015

Don’t be scared…

Job interview

After the success of last week’s amazing Dating Tips, I thought I’d further upgrade your lives by including some priceless tips to nailing a job interview and definitely getting offered the job. If in doubt, try a couple of these out. You are welcome…

Walk in laughing then suddenly stop

Wear an enormous suit to suggest dedicated weight loss

Have a pair of knickers sticking out of your pocket

Say you played a Stormtrooper in Star Wars

Ask if you can nip to the loo and come back with shades on

Say “I always get what I want”

Shout “I’m a celebrity get me out of here!” on hard questions

Instead of “me” say “myself”

Finish every reply with “and you?”

Loosen your tie and whisper “me so horny”

Walk in eating a bowl of cereal

Say “I got a 2:1, which is also my preferred balls to penis ratio”

Wander in strumming an acoustic guitar

Always hold eye contact. Keep holding it, keep holding it, keep holding it

Say “quote unquote” a lot

Get the old norks/balls out

Ask to borrow a Nokia charger

Assume every question is rhetorical

Initiate a group hug

At the end apologise for blowing their minds

When they offer you a drink check your watch and ask for a small cappuccino

Say “in five years I see myself having Vegas Baby tattooed somewhere on my face”

Say “in five years I want to be president of whatever this company is”

Turn up in flip-flops

Emphasise how much you really like going to the cinema

At the end ask who you should invoice for this

Sit in the lotus position

Really work a banana with your mouth

Wear tails

List “sleeping naked” as one of your hobbies

List [email protected] as your email address

Turn up in shorts

Have some mirrored sunglasses on top of your head

Say you have a son called Vaginus

Ask for a cup of hot Ribena

Ask for a pencil sharpener

Ask for a Le Crueset casserole dish

Ask for a clue

Ask for some more hot Ribena

Turn your chair around 180 degrees before you sit on it

Dread your hair

Explain how you like to take selfies in front of buildings

Mispronounce “croissant”

Play floatation tank music on your phone

Your one weakness is that you don’t know how scanners work

Your one weakness is cocaine

Say you know The Edge from U2

Tell them your email is actually [email protected]

Say you love partying at the weekend or sometimes in the week during the day

Wear a big hat

Eat a whole packet of dry roasted peanuts

Say you spend bank holidays practicing judo

List “ice skating backwards” as one of your skills

Change your accent midway through

Ask if they do a Dress Down Thursday

Walk over to the window and stare across the city

Ask if you can take a selfie together

Your biggest weakness is a bit of sass and a dynamite bod

Slip into French

Have some Garibaldis in your pocket

Say the next Bond should be an 11-year-old Spanish boy

Pull out the rulebook and start tearing it up

Explain the metaphor

Turn up in a box and then climb out of it

Explain the metaphor

Ask if all of the cupboards are stationary

Have a bandana hanging out of your back pocket

Say you’re an art installation (if it goes badly)

Tear your shirt open and shout “let it rain!” (and hope it starts raining)

Wear at least one massive shiny earring

Turn your yawns into roars

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

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