71 Tips to ENSURE you ace a job interview
Don’t be scared…
After the success of last week’s amazing Dating Tips, I thought I’d further upgrade your lives by including some priceless tips to nailing a job interview and definitely getting offered the job. If in doubt, try a couple of these out. You are welcome…
Walk in laughing then suddenly stop
Wear an enormous suit to suggest dedicated weight loss
Have a pair of knickers sticking out of your pocket
Say you played a Stormtrooper in Star Wars
Ask if you can nip to the loo and come back with shades on
Say “I always get what I want”
Shout “I’m a celebrity get me out of here!” on hard questions
Instead of “me” say “myself”
Finish every reply with “and you?”
Loosen your tie and whisper “me so horny”
Walk in eating a bowl of cereal
Say “I got a 2:1, which is also my preferred balls to penis ratio”
Wander in strumming an acoustic guitar
Always hold eye contact. Keep holding it, keep holding it, keep holding it
Say “quote unquote” a lot
Get the old norks/balls out
Ask to borrow a Nokia charger
Assume every question is rhetorical
Initiate a group hug
At the end apologise for blowing their minds
When they offer you a drink check your watch and ask for a small cappuccino
Say “in five years I see myself having Vegas Baby tattooed somewhere on my face”
Say “in five years I want to be president of whatever this company is”
Turn up in flip-flops
Emphasise how much you really like going to the cinema
At the end ask who you should invoice for this
Sit in the lotus position
Really work a banana with your mouth
Wear tails
List “sleeping naked” as one of your hobbies
List [email protected] as your email address
Turn up in shorts
Have some mirrored sunglasses on top of your head
Say you have a son called Vaginus
Ask for a cup of hot Ribena
Ask for a pencil sharpener
Ask for a Le Crueset casserole dish
Ask for a clue
Ask for some more hot Ribena
Turn your chair around 180 degrees before you sit on it
Dread your hair
Explain how you like to take selfies in front of buildings
Mispronounce “croissant”
Play floatation tank music on your phone
Your one weakness is that you don’t know how scanners work
Your one weakness is cocaine
Say you know The Edge from U2
Tell them your email is actually [email protected]
Say you love partying at the weekend or sometimes in the week during the day
Wear a big hat
Eat a whole packet of dry roasted peanuts
Say you spend bank holidays practicing judo
List “ice skating backwards” as one of your skills
Change your accent midway through
Ask if they do a Dress Down Thursday
Walk over to the window and stare across the city
Ask if you can take a selfie together
Your biggest weakness is a bit of sass and a dynamite bod
Slip into French
Have some Garibaldis in your pocket
Say the next Bond should be an 11-year-old Spanish boy
Pull out the rulebook and start tearing it up
Explain the metaphor
Turn up in a box and then climb out of it
Explain the metaphor
Ask if all of the cupboards are stationary
Have a bandana hanging out of your back pocket
Say you’re an art installation (if it goes badly)
Tear your shirt open and shout “let it rain!” (and hope it starts raining)
Wear at least one massive shiny earring
Turn your yawns into roars