69 Tips to ensure a date goes amazingly
This is what a date looks like before you get there…
Okay guys (and gals), we’ve all been on dates and we all know that they can be really excellent or absolutely awful. If you want to guarantee the former, just pull a handful of these great moves out of the bag…
Suggest that you bathe together
Say their name after every sentence
Waddle in carrying a boulder
Wear a beret
Trim your pubes down to barely anything
Wear a cloak
Eat a banana
Sing Angels by Robbie Williams
Do a squat thrust
Order a cocktail no one has heard of
Tell them you used to be the resident DJ in a gym
Say you’ve been everywhere they’ve been
Call the bar you’re in “a cool space”
Go to the loo and come back with a completely new hairstyle
Arrive with dubstep playing on your phone
Sip the wine then shout at the waiter
Say “Oh right European style” and kiss the outside of their ear (on greeting)
Write them a poem
Mirror everything they do
Wear a bandana
Explain the exact route you take to work
Order all of the same food as them
Challenge them to a (friendly) fight
Reach over and remove food from their teeth with your finger
Instagram all of your courses
Take a selfie on their phone that they can cherish
Control your nerves by imagining them naked, then hide your erection with a napkin
Play air drums
Do a confident goodbye gesture (eg. Gimme five)
Rock some cameltoe/camel penis
Show them how cool your watch is
Ask their permission before you go for a wee/poo
If they liked the banana thing, order a calippo for pudding
Always offer your date some cocaine
If they trip slightly, fall over dramatically
Talk about your pets like they’re people
Say you like “all music” and “all films”
Congratulate them on their LinkedIn profile
Smack them on the arse and shout “let’s go to the cinema!”
Make notes when they’re talking
Invite them to Bestival
Have their favourite chocolate bar in your pocket
Show them a picture of you doing tai chi
Show them a picture of you making people laugh
Show them a picture of you looking out to sea
Show them a picture of you crying
Massage your breasts and mouth the words of the song playing
Take your own chopsticks
Prefix each sentence with “how you say…”
Pretend you know Beyonce
Pronounce tissue “tiss-yew”
Say “I hope you’re hungry… for love!”
Put your finger in their mouth and go “shhhhh”
Stare at them
Bring some bongos
Stand in front of a wind machine
Give them a satsuma
Show them how long you can hold your breath for
Answer every question with a question
Remove your glasses and let your hair down
Show them your Ice Bucket Challenge video
Tell them how much money you have in the bank
Turn up eating a cheeseburger
Don’t wear any underpants
Wear a shark-tooth necklace
Say “sure” a lot
Come out of the loo finishing off a Magnum
Read them the “other interests” bit from your CV
Describe your nipples