McDonald’s Burgers Ranked

The best burger at McDonald’s – it’s a debate for the ages, but isn’t that the same with anything of great importance? Politics, religion, gender, sex. There’s no right answer, just a series of collective and personal opinions. Point being, you might agree with this, you might not, you might think it’s bullshit, you might consider it the devil’s food, you might be morally depressed by the slaughter that goes into making a Big Mac. We’re all different (or at least we think we are). But wearing a rictus grin and curly red wig for a minute, please allow us to guide you through the only correct menu choices you can make at McDonald’s hamburger restaurants, ranked from best to least best…. 

Cheeseburger – if you really believe in yourself you could probably demolish a McDonald’s cheeseburger comfortably in three bites, and with a competitive hit of adrenaline you might even do it in two (it’s been known). Ideally acquired by the shitload, these are close to flavour perfection – with a sexy green gherkin thrown in for all the pernickety little babies who need something to chuck on the pavement.

Big Mac – it’s the same everywhere – a mildly underwhelming double decker with lettuce and a “secret sauce” that’s about as secret as mixing together tomato ketchup and mayonnaise. And yet, it’s the only iconic dish you will ever truly crave. Unless you regularly crave Pierre Koffmann’s stuffed pig’s trotter.

Quarter Pounder with Cheese – those old enough to remember may recall that back when McDonalds first flung open its cartoonish doors, there was a “without cheese” option, which proved about as popular as a hippo in a lift. Much better with a thin sliver of pretend dairy.

Double Cheeseburger – same as a cheeseburger but there’s two burgers. In proportional terms, it works less well.

Filet-O-Fish – the iconic 1980s advert featured a man who could conceivably have been Leon Trotsky demanding a filet-o-fish for his “wiiiife”, either at her actual behest, or because the notion of a man ordering fish was far too emasculating to fathom.

Hamburger – a big hitter in the lactose intolerant market.

McChicken Sandwich – if you want a chicken burger there’s a KFC down the road.

Triple Cheeseburger – too much going on.

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