54 Things to do before the nuclear holocaust
Uh oh
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to wonder if this Donald Trump character is as cool and sophisticated as he’d have us all think he is. The gorgeous hair, the complicated wordplay, might it all be too good to be true?
Anyway, with nuclear war now clearly on the horizon, I thought someone (ie. Me) should put together a universal bucket list, for anyone still keen to get the most out of their lives. Tick these off as you go, and when we’re all done suffocating beneath an almighty blaze of biblical proportions – the likes of which could never be fathomed – you can be happy in the knowledge that at least you know you did everything you could to have a full and fruitful existence.
Do something that scares you every day, like locking yourself in a cupboard
Do something that scares other people every day, like also locking them in a cupboard
Shout NERD ALERT every time the boss walks in
Talk to a workman using your normal voice
Finally hire a digger and dig up that time capsule
Finally hire a digger and dig up that ancient burial ground
Make an album called Songs in the Key of Go Fuck Yourself
Make an album called Definitely Maybe, or Not, Not Sure, I Don’t Know
Interrupt a meeting with “I’m sorry I’m going to have to take this, it’s a text from Pizza Hut”
Stand in front of an oil painting tutting
Pose for every photo, regardless of the occasion, like you’re hurtling down a water slide
Impress a date by returning from the toilet without any clothes on
Start all of your emails with “Dear (Insert Name)” to undermine the recipient’s confidence and then assert your power upon them
Wear some jeans that are so tight it looks like you’ve got a dick made of denim
Same if you’re a girl, but replace the word dick with vagina or pussy or whatever
Attempt to pluralise the word “manchild” in a meeting
Make a whole jumper from scratch
Or just buy one
Use the aubergine and splashing water emoji in a text, then get home and ask why no one’s washed your aubergines
Order a flat white for a toddler
Shout at a waiter
Take a load of cocaine and jump out of a plane
Smoke at your desk
Queue for three hours to get into the hottest new restaurant in town
Finally get your entire neck and arse tattooed
Weep in the arms of a very old woman
Apologise to anyone you may have hurt, OR don’t do that and go on a rollercoaster
Accept that it isn’t about race, gender or sexuality, what matters is that we’re all thetans
Learn to play a Sting song on bongos
Dance like everyone is watching
Snog a stranger on a crowded bus on the way to work
Have a long discussion about Citizen Kane, then, half an hour in, realise you thought they meant Citizen Khan, then attempt to style it out
Drink an entire bottle of whiskey in your underwear on a rooftop
Make every meal a breakfast buffet
Do a steeplechase wearing old flares
Do a marathon on a treadmill
Go down a hill on a micro scooter
Stand up during a play and shout THIS IS SO BRILLIANT
Spin around in a chair stroking an animal
Get your whole face plastic surgeried to make you look more beautiful
Read all of those books you wish you’d read, like Harry Potter and the Naughty Wizards of Balthazar (so so good)
Rub a handful of butter on your baps
Walk around the office playing saxophone
Arrive home with lipstick around your nipples and an orange in your mouth, and explain that you had to work late
Talk about your feelings through an entire episode of The Great British Bake Off
Forget airs and graces and just poo your pants at a dinner party
Greet other people’s parents by bowing
Have an affair with yourself in a Travel Lodge
Turn up for work with a nose ring, then ask why no one else is wearing their nose rings
Get a cab to a demonstration
Aggressively ask someone what bit of schadenfreude they don’t understand
Whenever anyone tells you they’re pregnant, ask if they know who the father is
Do a big wee out of an open window
Find God. Then find Muhammad, then find Buddha. Then sit them down and be all like “what’s up guys? Now talk”