30 Things you can do with a bank holiday
Ha ha, beans in a bath – what’s that about?
You’ve got an extra day, here are some suggestions of things you might like to do with it:
Become unimaginably drunk
Go and buy that dream hoover you’ve been thinking about
Go into the office and feel truly alone
Fill a bath with baked beans then Instagram it, then wonder why you did it, then think about moving house
Analyse your life in front of the mirror, then play your feelings on a trumpet, then start singing
Rethink everything, then just slowly walk away, never looking back, but you’re wearing really loud flip-flops
Paint a funny picture of a goat eating an apple
Do a sinister sketch drawing of a giant apple revenge-eating the goat
Learn to say “it’s okay I’m a cop” in a variety of languages
Watch a Disney film with the sound off, the colour right down, and the television off. Now go to sleep
Look poignantly out of the window, then realise it’s not a window it’s a mirror, then start laughing
Go for a walk with a lover, but have your flies open
Stand in the middle of a lake in a rowing boat screaming for help
Write some amazing poetry, that you wouldn’t even knowetry
Eat an egg using only your fingers (no thumbs)
Catch, taunt, murder, and then eat a fish
Host a Snogathon
Run around a park spewing as you go
Massage a rub into a chicken, but do it like the chicken is the person you most desire and you’re giving them a really sensual massage
Go to a hairdressers where you’ve never been before, ask for “the usual”, then put your headphones in, and occasionally shout at them to hurry up
Design a chain of pizzerias for cool people called Arks
Watch Romancing the Stone, then feel slightly let down by it
Be the person looking at other people’s LinkedIn profiles
Pick the friend you know least on Facebook and like all of their photos
Imagine James Bond trying to cough to cover up a fart, only the fart is louder than the cough
Run towards the person you love wearing a gigantic pair of flares
Invite all your mates to yours for a barbecue, then have the smallest barbecue anyone has ever seen
Make noisy love in three minute intervals
Do yoga in really tight jeans
Order food from Deliveroo then be outside on your bike to pick it up, then cycle off like it’s a relay