30 Things you can do with a bank holiday

Ha ha, beans in a bath – what’s that about? 

You’ve got an extra day, here are some suggestions of things you might like to do with it:

Become unimaginably drunk

Go and buy that dream hoover you’ve been thinking about

Go into the office and feel truly alone

Fill a bath with baked beans then Instagram it, then wonder why you did it, then think about moving house

Analyse your life in front of the mirror, then play your feelings on a trumpet, then start singing

Rethink everything, then just slowly walk away, never looking back, but you’re wearing really loud flip-flops

Paint a funny picture of a goat eating an apple

Do a sinister sketch drawing of a giant apple revenge-eating the goat

Learn to say “it’s okay I’m a cop” in a variety of languages

Watch a Disney film with the sound off, the colour right down, and the television off. Now go to sleep

Look poignantly out of the window, then realise it’s not a window it’s a mirror, then start laughing

Go for a walk with a lover, but have your flies open

Stand in the middle of a lake in a rowing boat screaming for help 

Write some amazing poetry, that you wouldn’t even knowetry

Eat an egg using only your fingers (no thumbs)

Catch, taunt, murder, and then eat a fish

Host a Snogathon

Run around a park spewing as you go

Massage a rub into a chicken, but do it like the chicken is the person you most desire and you’re giving them a really sensual massage

Go to a hairdressers where you’ve never been before, ask for “the usual”, then put your headphones in, and occasionally shout at them to hurry up

Design a chain of pizzerias for cool people called Arks

Watch Romancing the Stone, then feel slightly let down by it

Be the person looking at other people’s LinkedIn profiles

Pick the friend you know least on Facebook and like all of their photos

Imagine James Bond trying to cough to cover up a fart, only the fart is louder than the cough

Run towards the person you love wearing a gigantic pair of flares

Invite all your mates to yours for a barbecue, then have the smallest barbecue anyone has ever seen

Make noisy love in three minute intervals

Do yoga in really tight jeans

Order food from Deliveroo then be outside on your bike to pick it up, then cycle off like it’s a relay

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