100 Things you didn’t know about Donald Trump

Ever since he came to power everyone’s been all “Trump who?” so the Interestment team has been busy rooting around for info on this guy. Thanks to my fellow reporters Matt, Rory, Craig, Steph, LotMill, Nick, and Tom for some of their sterling work.

He played Zeus in the school nativity play

He likes nothing more than curling up in front of the fire with a good book and a glass of wine and no clothes on

He likes to slowly suck calippos as a show of power in important meetings

His dream is to open a smokehouse next door to a fire station (to prove a point)

He was born Balzac Trumpowitz

He does an awful Christopher Walken impression

He calls Hotdogs “Dick Sandwiches”

He once realised he had no money but was already at the checkout so he whispered “it’s okay I’m a cop” and just walked off with his stuff

His dream double bill is Commando followed by Commando again

His sneezes sound like Donald Duck, but not sneezing Donald Duck, just talking Donald Duck

He once put his hand up in class and forgot why

He’s 38 years old

Sometimes he’ll just go wild and order the fanciest cocktail on the menu

He’s not 100 per cent sure how to say “croissant” so he orders one of those stupid French breakfast cakes, you know the swirly ones, taste like butter. Fucking lovely

His favourite members of One Direction, in order, are: Harry, Bruce, Rakim, Sheldon, then Dickon (sorry Dickon!)

He found his election victory bittersweet because he was secretly looking forward to America having its first male First Lady

He was born Ezekiel Trumpington

He once cried on the toilet because his poo hurt his bottom

He’s always the first person to the desk for birthday cake even if he doesn’t know you that well

He once shot a man full in the face with a gun, and that man was an abstract notion called Hope and the gun was something also metaphorical

He also may have once shot an actual man with a real gun in the actual face

But he may not have

No one knows (we know)

Sometimes he sits in his attic doing abstract oil paintings and listening to The Cure

He can drink a whole pint of water in one go. Sorry, two goes. He can drink a pint of water in two goes, one would be insane

His signature dish is “rice, two thousand and four ways”

If he likes your business idea he shouts SHUT UP I’M IN

His favourite thing about rain is the wetness and the noise it makes when it’s bouncing off the pavement or off a body

He’s a boob AND a leg man, and also likes vaginas and the bottom area and the tits. Hang on, sorry, we’d already said tits, they’re the same as boobs

He once drove a sit down lawnmower. Just kidding, he never did that

He likes to say “really sorry I’m late” while chewing gum and holding a large takeaway coffee

He had a book idea, it was called Where’s Wally? and then he found out that already exists so he called his Where’s Polly? and gave the dork some huge great big titties

He was born Karl Webster

He once went into the toilet empty handed and came out eating a slice of pizza

He once saw Springsteen live and came so hard during Thunder Road

His attitude is: double denim, double cool

He sort of likes apples, they’re basically okay, if they’re there he’ll eat one

He once said Claudia Winkleman three times into a mirror hoping she would appear

He keeps forgetting about the film Groundhog Day

He has never been to a PTA meeting

He doesn’t understand why nuns all dress like strippers

He sometimes forgets whether he’s looking in the mirror or looking at a portrait of himself 

He calls toast “hard bread with a nice tan and a sweet crust”

He once got muddled and said “Hi I’m Rod Stewart” TO ROD STEWART

Every Christmas he mentions how he would “do” Miss Scarlett from Cluedo, and he then explains that “do” means to have sex with, in the study, with his meaty truncheon, even though there isn’t a meaty truncheon in Cluedo. Oh hang on, just got it (it’s his penis)

He calls sweet potatoes “swede potatoes”

His billion dollar drink idea: Jill Daniels

He’s like “musical theatre? Okay let’s try it out”

He thinks 39 Steps is about a guy who’s VERY VERY alcoholic

Chopping bacon gives him a lardon. Not really, that one’s a joke

He gave up smoking because he didn’t know when to stop exhaling

He says he doesn’t revise for tests but he blatantly does

He was born Leslie O’Donnaghy

In the basement of Trump Tower there’s a secret room where he plays Streetfighter II alone

He once tried to eat a lime like it was a satsuma, and considers it the biggest regret of his life

He has a recurring dream about his dick. It can talk and play golf

His karaoke song is anything by Bob Marley

His fancy dress outfit is Tall Naked Man

He likes to stare at people when he blows his nose

He once found a dildo in his suit jacket pocket, then realised it actually wasn’t his jacket and laughed about it but kept the dildo

He doesn’t know the correct response to someone saying “may the force be with you”

His favourite live performer is Kate Bush

He calls his mother by her full name

He once told a guy he had size 12 feet

He has no hair on the back of his neck

He once accurately played air-bass to a whole Pretenders song without realising

He sometimes creeps away to cry after a massive orgasm

His Halloween costume is Wet Handshake

When he’s nervous he imagines everyone on the toilet, then feels appalled

If he’s having a midnight snack, most likely it will be a massive ice cream in a cone

He was born Sally Anne Sallyannington

He once accidentally bought some jeggings but then thought, okay let’s rock this

If he wrote a Bond film he’d make the cat sitting on the baddie’s lap the real bad guy, that’s the twist

His French friend Jean-Pierre once introduced him to Fearn Cotton but he thought he was saying FUN COTTON. It was really fucking funny

If he wins at chess he celebrates by chucking the board into the crowd and pulling out his johnson

He likes to lean over a sink and take his top off before he eats a peach

At the weekend he dresses like a vegetarian – all big woolly jumpers and weird shoes

His porn name (first pet and mother’s maiden name) is Cool Tits O’Hoolahan

He wears headphones during haircuts

He once heard a fax machine and thought it was R2D2

He gets really frightened in cinemas

He sometimes just wanders around eating a gigantic bowl of cereal

He likes to tell janitors to believe in themselves

He once said “that’s right sugar tits, papa’s a feminist”

His favourite live performer is Kate W Bush

He has a semi-erection in his graduation photo

His highest ever break in snooker is 0

He once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow then woke up and his giant marshmallow had gone

He thinks his swimming pool is just a massive outdoor bath

His favourite time of day is 4pm

He screams during fireworks

He has barfed into toilets, down a wall, overboard on a yacht, and out of a moving lorry

He thinks Dr Pepper was invented by a medical doctor called Dr Pepper

He was born Donald Trump, that’s his actual name, not even kidding

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