50 ways to seem much cleverer than you actually are

Wow, look at all those books you’ll never read

Ever find yourself wishing the world had more respect for you? Oh stop whining man! Just try out one of these surefire methods of looking cleverer…

Say things like “well yes, quite”

Wear a big pair of glasses

Claim not to have a television

Order the cheese board

Nod but seem unconvinced

Wear a long scarf

Have a much better looking spouse

Smoke roll ups

Say “sure” a lot in conversation

Get politically angry on Facebook

Have a framed copy of your GCSE results on the wall

Make simple questions sound unbelievable complicated

Say “one” and “oneself”

Dine alone and pretend you’re not panicking about seeing people you know

Laugh during Shakespeare plays

Be as socially awkward as possible

Pretend that you’ve never heard of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

Pronounce artists’ names unusually

Wear battered leather footwear

Write poems that don’t rhyme nor particularly make sense

Have a tatty old book in your pocket

Speak a bit louder than is normal

Become extremely pubic with your pubes

Constantly pretend to have read things you haven’t read

If you have a phone, make it a pre-iPhone one

Pretend that Ready Salted crisps are your favourite crisps

Look a little bit unkempt

Stroke your chin

Say French words in a vaguely European accent

Only drink beer that is brown

Affect a slight stammer when you’re talking

Wear a big jumper

Go on holiday to the countryside

Walk around museums looking grateful

Eat dark chocolate

Pretend to read the descriptions of paintings

Seem like you might have smelly genitals

Have a pen in your top pocket

Change the book you carry around for show every 3/4 days

Do two kisses when you meet new people, regardless of gender

Only masturbate to sorrowful black and white foreign language films

Pretend to enjoy the company of old people

Pretend to ironically enjoy the company of young people

Listen to things like Roxy Music or David Bowie

Always seem to be doing a crossword

Ask for mayonnaise with your chips

Allude to some kind of social hardship growing up

Drink red wine

Pretend to not understand what a high five means

Use the word “glib” in conversation