A list of jokes and ideas that never made it

Goodbye shit ideas…


Like anyone with delusions way above their station, I’ve spent years jotting dreadful ideas into notepads, wondering if one day they might amount to something. Invariably they haven’t, so I thought I’d chuck a bunch of them away, but not before sifting through them for gold. These are the one-liners and vague ideas for sketches or scenes, or god knows what, that were occasionally just sitting there on a page surrounded by doodles. As you can imagine, it’s all very hit or miss (mainly miss) but I thought I’d immortalise these thoughts anyway. This is how they were on the page, scrawled but verbatim…

I like the way Alan Sugar’s receptionist answers the phone like it could be anyone

Don’t have a threesome if you’re feeling sensitive

When you bump into someone on the way to meeting them do you still go to the meeting point together?

Some brides don’t look lovely

A colourblind English teacher who says things like “ok turn to page 32 of Anne of Brown Gables”

Sketch idea: bump into your girlfriend on the tube, you live with her but the change of environment throws you. What the hell do you talk about?

Jesus comes back, turns water into wine. Everyone’s offended because it’s not what they ordered

If you ever want to fit in with new people just pretend you’ve been to Amsterdam

TV Show idea: set in the 80s, everyone taking heroin because they don’t know it’s bad for you yet

The News but each story starts with “apparently” or “I think”

Who’s eaten Gilbert’s grapes?

The news should end with “sexy corner”, someone reading erotic fiction

A cookery show on the radio, just lots of groaning, and “ooh look at that”

A farmer who talks like an executive – “I need those cows dead by close of play!”

Read the weather but sound really unsure, like you might be lying

Lie-ins – the reason less people become soldiers

Cycling – there’s nothing like a whippet-framed man taking his journey to work far too seriously

Pen pals – people you send beautiful letters to, then meet and have insanely dull conversations with

Middle class woman who always says “how’s it hanging?”

Controversial Blues singer who refuses to sing “woke up this morning”

If I see someone without a tatt I think “what’s wrong with this sociopath?”

I had to dump a girl for being too sarcastic, which obviously made me feel wonderful

TV SHOW: Lynch on Lynch – Shane on David

Why do we ask tall people what the weather is like up there? Surely it’s exactly the same, just a bit colder

How many people have said “shit look at the size of that dog!” pointing at a horse?

Let’s play Name That Tune but with weird stuff

When someone says “I didn’t get the memo” I want to shout “BECAUSE THERE WASN’T ONE!”

A guy who says things like “Cinderella will go to the ball” about himself

Aren’t grey squirrels just elderly squirrels?

It’s impossible to say Chris Kamara without sounding like a pretentious person saying Chris Camera

When Northern people say “proper gravy”, does that mean what I think it means?

Was Abraham Lincoln Amish?

Man does top button up, can’t breathe, dies.

Things that look awful but are excellent: doormats, toes, scarves, genitals

I feel sorry for tramps always having to camp

New York is nothing like York, it’s embarrassing

A caterpillar turning into a butterfly is like me turning into a whale, that shit is fucked up

I could never be in a boyband because the way I point at shrieking girls is far too conventional

Not sure the Thrash Metal song I’m writing works. It’s called “I long to kiss you”

Final round of game show: The Snogathon

Guy on the tube, total silence, everyone avoiding eye contact. As soon as he gets off everyone starts chatting

Dying Man: “Tell Sarah I love her”. Other Man: “Don’t you mean LOVED? Because you will be dead when I tell her”

Get people to talk through their childhood art like it’s really serious

You never see love bites on adults

It must be hard for comedians to tell serious stories about going to the doctors

I’ve had a really lucky night, I started playing music literally minutes before the neighbour started banging on the wall, making a dreadful racket. Thank god for the music

On childhood: I was one of the first boys at school to develop breasts

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