69 Tips to ensure a date goes amazingly

This is what a date looks like before you get there…


Okay guys (and gals), we’ve all been on dates and we all know that they can be really excellent or absolutely awful. If you want to guarantee the former, just pull a handful of these great moves out of the bag…

Suggest that you bathe together

Say their name after every sentence

Waddle in carrying a boulder

Wear a beret

Trim your pubes down to barely anything

Wear a cloak

Eat a banana

Sing Angels by Robbie Williams

Do a squat thrust

Order a cocktail no one has heard of

Tell them you used to be the resident DJ in a gym

Say you’ve been everywhere they’ve been

Call the bar you’re in “a cool space”

Go to the loo and come back with a completely new hairstyle

Arrive with dubstep playing on your phone

Sip the wine then shout at the waiter

Say “Oh right European style” and kiss the outside of their ear (on greeting)

Write them a poem

Mirror everything they do

Wear a bandana

Explain the exact route you take to work

Order all of the same food as them

Challenge them to a (friendly) fight

Reach over and remove food from their teeth with your finger

Instagram all of your courses

Take a selfie on their phone that they can cherish

Control your nerves by imagining them naked, then hide your erection with a napkin

Play air drums

Do a confident goodbye gesture (eg. Gimme five)

Rock some cameltoe/camel penis

Show them how cool your watch is

Ask their permission before you go for a wee/poo

If they liked the banana thing, order a calippo for pudding

Always offer your date some cocaine

If they trip slightly, fall over dramatically

Talk about your pets like they’re people

Say you like “all music” and “all films”

Congratulate them on their LinkedIn profile

Smack them on the arse and shout “let’s go to the cinema!”

Make notes when they’re talking

Invite them to Bestival

Have their favourite chocolate bar in your pocket

Show them a picture of you doing tai chi

Show them a picture of you making people laugh

Show them a picture of you looking out to sea

Show them a picture of you crying

Massage your breasts and mouth the words of the song playing

Take your own chopsticks

Prefix each sentence with “how you say…”

Pretend you know Beyonce

Pronounce tissue “tiss-yew”

Say “I hope you’re hungry… for love!”

Put your finger in their mouth and go “shhhhh”

Stare at them

Bring some bongos

Stand in front of a wind machine

Give them a satsuma

Show them how long you can hold your breath for

Answer every question with a question

Remove your glasses and let your hair down

Show them your Ice Bucket Challenge video

Tell them how much money you have in the bank

Turn up eating a cheeseburger

Don’t wear any underpants

Wear a shark-tooth necklace

Say “sure” a lot

Come out of the loo finishing off a Magnum

Read them the “other interests” bit from your CV

Describe your nipples


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