17 important thoughts and observations

In life, you never stop learning, never stop thinking, never stop wondering, never stop wandering, and you never, and I repeat never, start stopping. With that in mind, here are just a few probing statements, questions, observations and mini-screenplays from the last week or so…

Why does Florence Poo pronounce her name so pretentiously?

ADVICE: on your first day in prison get into a sweaty kissing fight with your cellmate 

Better idea for a surprise birthday party: shout SURPRISE! then tell them you’re pregnant

Blues singers, let’s save time and assume you woke up this morning

it’d be much more relaxing if babies came out singing

Invention idea: a satnav that panics when you take a wrong turn

sophisticated name for a perfume: Unmentionable

isn’t all underwear edible if you believe in yourself?

open to James Bond attempting to cough over his fart, but his fart is much louder than his cough. Bond blushes 

the best thing about plastic surgery is that no one knows when you’ve had it 

“This key is incredible, are we all agreed that it should be called Alan?”

has anyone seen my shorts? They’re denim and they climb deep into my arse at the back 

“that’s right baby, papa’s a feminist”

Very disappointed to find that Riding Giants is a surfing documentary 

Still Lemonade – what did it expect?

the best Bond was definitely Jennie 

Life lesson: if someone answers the phone with “can I call you back?” they’re being held hostage 

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