Including much news about this man…
It fills our hearts with a warm sense of euphoria whenever we recruit a new member to the growing Interestment family, and today we doff a big hat to Norm – a funny gentleman, with a passion for sport and girls. After much tinkering and a lot of thought he decided that these are his favourite four online football related websites. He had this to say…
Being a red-blooded man, I like nothing more than sitting in a darkened room with my top off, baby-oiled up, watching twenty-two gentlemen rushing around, hoofing a large onion, and swearing at each other. Hence, I am at my most furious when I realise I have missed an epic contest between these handsome and humble warriors. So when I stumbled upon this site, I wept sweet (yet salty) tears of joy. It lists all the Footy available on the telly including the legendary Johnstone’s Paint Trophy and even, wait for it, Women’s Football! Whoever heard of such a thing?
2. The Spoiler
Gone are the days when football took 90 minutes, then stayed on the pitch – it’s now an ongoing saga, both on and off the pitch, and this is the perfect football soap opera site. It’s crammed with hush-hush news from behind the scenes about exactly what the players get up to on their days off, important Ledley King nightclubbing information (pictured), and yes, quite an array of stories regarding Cristiano Ronaldo’s intriguing sexual preferences. Perfect for filling in the gaps once you’re bored to the point of hysterical violence by the sound of Alan Shearer’s brainless droning. Great stuff.
3. WAG Rankings
When the mood is right and the lights are low, I like nothing more than peering inquisitively at the female finery that the good lord has scattered on footballer’s wives and girlfriends, including the likes of Abbey Clancy (pictured). The pedants amongst you may arch an eyebrow and flair the odd nostril, wondering what this has to do with sport. But it has EVERYTHING to do with sport. These pretty young damsels keep footballers happy in the bedroom, and as the old saying goes, “a happy footballer is worth three Anelkas”.
I often have moments of madness. Once I mixed together two flavours of Pot Noodle and ate it from a plate. I’m pretty wild. But crazy as that moment was, even that pales into insignificance when compared to the savagery on display here on the popular do-it-yourself television site, Youtube. Men taking leave of their senses and going proper “Croydon”: check. Over-the-top karate kicks: check. Roy Keane rearranging someone’s leg: check.
Is this woman really going to be FURIOUS?
History has gone a long way in proving that two or more beautiful women can comfortably occupy the same room without looking one another up and down, tutting, and muttering something about how they thought there was a no dogs allowed rule. Look at Charlie’s Angels – that was three great looking gals all getting along.Girls Aloud seem to enjoy one another’s company even though four fifths of them would probably tighten the most dour and limp of gentlemen’s chinos/trousers. In fact, these days it’s quite rare to see a lone beauty without another stunner in tow. In that sense, great looking women are a bit like magpies. And yet, certain sectors of hard celebrity journalism were winded this week by news that the poetically-named Michela Quattrociocche is heading to Liverpool with her football husband Alberto Aquilani. Another beautiful woman on Merseyside? They say. Alex Curran – ie. Mrs Steven Gerrard – will be completely rattled by this. So expect some frenzied body augmentation from Curran in preparation. Oh, and Michela, if you’re reading, don’t be afraid if you arrive in Liverpool and a man comes up to you hacking, coughing, a jerking his body around. It’s just Jamie Carragher. He’s saying “hello”.
In other important celebrity news, everyone appears to be getting the marijuana cigarettes out, as Kate Moss and Lily Allen enjoyed a zany smoke up. Followed a day later by the handsome Chris Evans lookalike Mick Hucknall, who once made this song, which we secretly really like…
Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
Celebrity fueds have been known to start out as a little bit of fun, just look at Tupac and Biggie Smalls. What started out as a my dad’s bigger than your dad escalated into my penis is more potent than your penis, then eventually resolved itself with my funeral’s better than your funeral. It was a crazy time, and proved to be a massive learning curve for the music industry. Now people hide their colours. Hide them real deep. Except, that is, for Lily Allen, who loves having a little dig at people. She’s already called Girls Aloud a bunch of troll faced bastards (or something), and now she’s launched headlong into a war of words with the amazing Scottish guy who looks set to run away with Britain’s Got Talent. “I don’t think she has an amazing voice,” blasted Allen, hurting absolutely everyone’s feelings. Showbiz reporters can’t believe it.
In other news, Beyonce Knowles left the gig reviewing world absolutely agog by performing a set of her songs in a pre-planned performance at the Millenium Dome. And Danielle Lloyd – famous for cackling at racist comments on Celebrity Big Brother – got into a scrap when she was only trying to enjoy a few cocktails at Crystal nightclub in fashionable London. One showbusiness reporter in particular can’t believe how mean people can be to one another. Here’s Danielle before the violent episode…
England’s best never manager plays up front…
Just as the rain started coming down, threatening to dampen our cheerful Monday spirits, in pinged another dose of sports writing from excellent contributor, Eliot, to lift our mood. Great stuff. He had this to say about the weekend’s 3-4-3…
For the minority of readers for whom the name is not interesting enough, the Benfica goalkeeper also happened to save three spot kicks after the Portugese Carlsberg Cup Final went to penalties on Saturday.
Right Back, Nigel ReoCoker
A man as deserving of his weekly payslip as Fred Goodwin. ReoCoker’s blunders cost Aston Villa the first three goals shipped at Anfield this weekend, although he, disappointingly for the perfectionists amongst us, wasn’t involved in the final two goals of the game. For those bandwagonners who have raced out and put what remains of their mortgage on Liverpool for the title, look at it this way. Nine goals against Manchester United and Villa sounds good. But both vanquished sides played with ten men, and the nine included 3 penalties, 3 goals from free kicks, two from goal kicks and one big ricket from Vidic. Money wasted – its United’s title.
Left Back, Pawel Sasin
To paraphrase S Club 7, there ain’t no derby like a Krakow derby, and the city which rather optimistically is twinned with Milan according to its official website, produced another Krakow Cracker on the weekend.
Following a period of play John Motson would no doubt describe as “scrappy”, the Cracovia left back scored an astonishing goal to give his side the lead at Wisla. Rule of thumb – never over-celebrate an early goal, and true to form, Sasin’s group orgy by the dugout looked foolish by full time, as Wisla slammed in four without further reply.
Centre Back, Abdou Mangane
In pretentious acting schools across the country, strange-looking creatures wearing scarves indoors teach various emotions – hurt, joy, revulsion to name but three. Abdou Mangane obviously paid careful attention to Lesson 17 – bewilderment. After snapping Valenciennes’ midfielder Jonathan Lacourt in half, the expression on Mangane’s face is akin to what one would expect had the referee produced a large tub of Ben & Jerry’s from his top pocket. Indeed, rather than leave the crime scene in a hurry, Mangane then hangs around for an age, standing his ground as if needing anatomical proof Lacourt’s limbs are no longer in one piece, before eventually departing.
Centre Back, Vincent Enyeama
Typically a goalkeeper but the Hapoel Tel Aviv man’s penalty prowess displayed here qualifies the Nigerian to feature as what a seven year old would call, a rush goalie. But what sort of two-bob website do you think this is – leave that rhetorical. A keeper scoring a penalty isn’t interesting enough for us. We get sent tapes of number ones banging away pendos as often as we get the urge to urinate. What makes Enyeama a star this weekend, is this tremendously unnecessary hurling of a ball at Bnei Yehuda’s Kobi Moyal, in the closing seconds of the big match in the Holyland this weekend.
Right Midfield, Jermaine Pennant
In more modest times, a broken engagement was the scene for tears, embarrassed calls to the caterers, and a period of quiet introspection from the couple regarding what went wrong. We live in less modest times. Following the wholly unexpected ending to Jermaine Pennant and Amii Grove’s life-affirming romance, she put his ring on ebay, whilst he started ramming a girl from Hollyoaks. Sigh.
Centre Midfield, Pavel Nedved
Yes, we thought he had retired too. And although this left foot volley is perfect, and a 4-1 win in the Stadio Olympico is a true occasion to behold, there is no need for such vigorous bottom patting from the left back Christian Molinaro.
Left Midfield, Francis Lee
Striker, Kenny Cooper
The opening week of the MLS – one would think it exactly what America needed to distract itself from the worst economic situation since the Great Depression. Dogs caught Frisbees, Kenny Cooper gave Dallas the lead against Chicago with a brilliant long-range strike, and a nation turned over to watch Oprah.
Striker, Brian Clough
In honour of the Damned United released on Friday, here is a terrific Brian Clough story as told in Roy Keane’s autobiography, cleverly titled Keane: the Autobiography.
In 1992, Graham Taylor, then the England manager, had come to watch Clough’s side to check on the form of England regulars Stuart Pearce and Nigel Clough. Before leaving the dressing room after the match, Clough snr told Keane (back then a mere impressionable youngster) to wait outside his office, and warn him when he saw Graham Taylor approach. He was also to inform him when he left.
Twenty minutes later, a suited Keane spotted Taylor emerge around the corner, striding chirpily to see Clough, keen to discuss the latest form of his English stars. The young midfielder dashed into the office – “Mr Clough, Graham is around the corner.” Leaping out of his seat, Clough turned off the lights and lay down under the desk.
Taylor entered the office, and seeing no sign of life, assumed Clough was still in the dressing room with his players, and hence waited outside with Keane. Taylor and Keane exchanged awkward pleasantries for two whole hours whilst Clough remained under the desk, before Taylor finally piped up, “Tell your manager I popped round would you. I have a train to catch.”
As Taylor left the building, Keane told his manager, as instructed, that the England boss had gone. Casual as you like, Clough got up, brushed himself down, and said, “Thank you young man. He does go on a bit does our Graham.”
Clough himself of course was no mug as a centre forward, scoring 197 goals in 213 games for Middlesbrough.
Striker, Admir Aganovic
The regular feature now of a goal from the Belgian League, just to ensure nobody forgets about the country. Here is Dender’s Bosnian striker Admir Aganovic, equalising against Westerlo, in a game they would go on to lose 3-1.