Upside down frown flips over again…
It’s always brilliant to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a clever man with a sharp wit. For the next few weeks, he’s going to be looking at the ridiculous soap opera side of football. He had this to say about the weekend’s action…
Premiership football is back and it’s better than ever! Well, aside from the loss of the World’s greasiest…I mean greatest footballer of course. We’re only one game into the new season, but already the soap opera is in full swing. Here’s what we have so far:
Liverpool lose to Spurs and Rafa Benitez is LIVID. He gets so cross, the anger surges through his taut, bulbous body, before he finally erupts and calls a linesman… “too young”. Ouch. Clearly rusty after a summer break, Rafa may need to sharpen up his insults before he resumes his feud/ handbags/ smokescreen for secret love affair with Alex Ferguson. Half an hour with the Carragher family should do the trick.
Arsene Wenger‘s Arsenal side (who are also too young apparently) pulverise Everton 6-1. As in six goals to just one goal. Essentially 5-0. Or 12-2. Yep, that’s quite the thrashing. David Moyes is now officially the most miserable looking human being on the planet, with his weeping face buried into his moistening shovel-hands.
There are more tears in Hull as Phil Brown’s goatie beard goes missing. Why did you do it Phil? Why? The Tango Devil look was AWESOME!
And finally, new Chelsea boss Carlo Ancellotti explains Didier Drogba’s niggling injury conundrums: “I think last season he had a problem with his body”. Doctors, consider yourselves usurped. The man’s a genius.
Not this kind of window, the Transfer Window!
It’s with the usual mug of splosh with two sugars that we welcome Eliot this morning. Continuing his Transfer Window series, today it Spurs’ turn. He had this to say…
What they need
Spurs squad depth is unquestionably as resolute as any club in the country, so even Harry can’t parrot his standard line of being “down to the bare bones“ in the hope of doing a few deals. One gap does stand out, namely left wing. Although there is more chance of Michael Jackson playing there for Spurs next season, than there is of Ashley Young doing likewise.
Who they don’t need
Deep breath. Gareth Bale‘s tremdendous record of never appearing on the winning side for Spurs in a league match may mean its time to add his name to the lengthy list of hot prospects who Spurs have managed to ruin. It’s a list that David Bentley is already on, and it looks as if he will complete a move to Aston Villa next week, whilst Gio dos Santos has gone from the next Ronaldinho to Portman Road in the space of 12 months. In Gilberto, Damien Comoli managed to find the one Brazilian on the planet with no first touch, whilst Alan Hutton, signed in the same window, allegedly has issues with the type of white lines that full backs aren’t supposed to run up and down. Yet whilst Kevin ‘Prince’ Boateng is still heir to the throne at the Lane, any player up for sale must surely be secondary to him.
I know what you did last Summer. Not the Love Hewitt /Michelle Gellar drivel, but rather some of Spurs more imaginative summer signings of late, including £15m David Bentley, £14m Roman Pavlyuchenko, £17m Darren Bent and £8m Didier Zokora.
Inevitably linked with
Former Portsmouth players. Dimitar Berbatov. Africans playing in France
Any other business
With Harry Redknapp still on police bail, and the Defoe transfer back to the Lane still under investigation for the alleged cutting out of his agent Sky Andrew, the Met may be advised to keep a close eye on goings-on at the Lane this summer.
Yes, this is one of them…
As ever, it’s with a great big cheer and a shot of the strong stuff that we welcome Eliot back to the Interestment fold – he’s got a gigantic brain stuffed to the brim with news and opinions about sport. He had this to say about his top ten people made famous by the year in football…
1. Tom Henning Ovrebo
One minute you have a meagre three line entry on Wikipedia, the next you are responsible for the worst swearing on ITV since Gordon Ramsay ceased his tiresome and rather blue, attention-seeking routine. Ovrebro certainly didnt have the Semi Final second leg between Chelsea and Barca under control, but that was no excuse for the sanctimonious outburst from Jamie Redknapp in the Sky studio post-match. Fuming that dear cousin Frank would miss out on yet another ill-deserved medal, Redknapp railed against the craziness of UEFA in allowing someone from little old Norway to officiate in such a big match. Much better allow an Italian. Roberto Rosetti perhaps, whose ludicrous sending off of Darren Fletcher cost Manchester United a ball-winning midfielder in the final, and possibly the trophy itself.
2. Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan
Not as easy on the tongue as previous owner Franny Lee, and no less easier on the human rights abuses than previous incumbent Thaksin Shinawatra either. But this is the football world we live in today, a mad world where a man with a towel on his head is hailed as a Messiah (a concept he wouldn’t believe in) and whom one of the club’s centre half (Tal Ben-Haim) would be banned from visiting at home due to his nationality. Take a glance out the window to your left, and that would be the recently defenstrated ethics in football flying past.
3. Federico Macheda
Such is the hype and comprehensive coverage of football these days, it is rare a player that nobody has heard of makes a name for himself in a big fixture. With reserve team football live on television and even Youth Cup Final rights battled over by Sky/Setanta, players tend to emerge onto the stage fully born, with the football pitch being more reminiscent of pantomine (“I’ve seen him in something else”) than an obscure production of Midsummer Night’s Dream at a provincial theatre in Somerset (“I’ve never seen this Bottom before”) Joe Cole, Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen were all new Gazzas whilst barely out of school, and Arsene Wenger uses the Carling Cup to saucily hitch up the skirt and give us a flash of his next generation. So although he scored a goal in the most commercial league in the most commerical arena, in a minute of injury time that existed purely in the mind of Mike Riley, there was something beautiful about Macheda sending Luke Young the wrong way, and curling the ball past Brad Friedel. That goal meant the title was heading back to Old Trafford, and the banner on the Stretford End will now read Twenty Years and Waiting from August.
4. Brede Hangeland
Although he signed for Fulham last January, it arguably wasnt until the 1-0 home victory against Arsenal in August, that Brede Hangelandshot to national prominence. Having scored the winner in a Man of the Match display, short of lining up the post-match roast, there is very little extra a modern day footballer can do in a game. It’s easy to laugh at Roy Hodgson – although Jonathan Ross arguably owes his career to the bloke whose lisp he has aped all these years – but his itinerant time in management has certainly paid off. At Viking FK he first coached Hangeland, and ultimately signed him for Fulham. At Inter Milan, he won the UEFA Cup. As manager of the United Arab Emirates, he made a lot of money. Trophies, knowledge and hard shekels – Roy Hodgson, Interestment salutes you.
5. Dan Gosling
It was a cold February night, a cracking cup-tie between the fiercest of rivals on Merseyside, set for penalties with just seconds on the clock. Then a ball over… the tic tacs are a refreshing sweet, suprisingly low in calories and perfect for refreshing… and jubilant scenes around Goodison.
6. Amir Zaki
Egyptian centre forwards – occasionally brilliant, frequently temperamental, but every so often struggle with the concept of stepping on a plane marked for Heathrow. Amir Zaki certainly isnt one to rebuff a streotype, starting brilliantly with that goal at Anfield – a goal so good that we all questioned our very existence in its aftermath – before spending much of the winter sulking, eventually vanishing home. Yet there can be no doubt Zaki is a decent player, and it will be interesting to see whether Steve Bruce, who played such a part in the Egyptian’s falling out with Wigan, attempts to sign him up top for Sunderland. If Amir thought living in Wigan was a long way from Cairo….
7. Charles Insomnia
A man we still wouldn’t have heard of were it not for Joe F*Kin’near’s tremendous Wordsworthesque pun, describing his winger Charles N’Zogbia in terms symptomatic of his tiresome whinging. Back in the 90s, when Kinnear was last managing a club in the top 6 of the Premier League, it was appropriate to mock foriegners with exotic names. Those days, alas, are no more, despite rumours of keeper Georg Koch signing for Hull City. So who was the eventual winner in this tiff? Well, Kinnear ended up with a triple bypass, N’Zogbia ended up at Wigan Athletic. Lets call that a no-score draw shall we?
8. Sandra Redknapp
Given young Jamie’s domestic bliss, it is hard to imagine Harry not enjoying a similar status – lovely palatial gaff, a couple of top top ornaments, and a cracking wife. Alas Harry revealed earlier in the season that his wife is in fact adroit in the air at the far post, as following Darren Bent’s lamentable miss in the match against Portsmouth, he claimed spouse Sandra (above, left) would have put it away. We now imagine Sandra as a Peter Withe figure, irrepressible from a decent cross with a large sweatband around her prominent bonce.
Redknapp is often hailed as the archetypal hand-round-the-shoulder man manager. Quite how Darren Bent felt after this snide cheapshot is perhaps best left unsaid. Top, top stuff Harry.
9. Ched Evans
Not since Anna Friel’s lesbian kiss on Brookside has there been such a storm over a sex act on primetime television. Michael Essien’s “raping” of young Man City striker Ched Evans caused such a furore, that one half-expected a re-enactment on Crimewatch the following evening. As it was, all we got was a remorseful Alan Pardew, a man who allegedly once shared a bellydancer with Xabi Alonso. More than that, however, we were worthy of a tremendous insight into the common football vernacular, with the training ground perhaps the last bastion of political incorrectness in the workplace.
10. Susan Boyle
Well everyone else has jumped on the bandwagon so we might as well. And it’s not as if all this attention is doing her any harm….
No room for these particular lookalikes…
Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.
Goalkeeper, David James
Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.
Right Back, Gary Neville
Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.
Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate
Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.
Centre Back, Olof Melberg
We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).
Centre Midfield, Joey Barton
Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.
Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard
Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.
Left Midfield, Ronaldinho
Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.
Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez
Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.
Centre Forward, Peter Crouch
Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.
Hey, haven’t we seen you somewhere before?
It’s nothing new for footballers to look to style icons in search of their vibe. Becksie famously plunders through his wife’s wardrobe to find nice sparkly frocks to make him feel special, and anyone who hasn’t seen Lampsie, JT, Drog Drog and the Cole Sisters skipping through Top Man merrily pretending that items of clothing are gymnastic ribbons obviously hasn’t ever been to Top Shop. Honestly, go on Friday – they’ll be there. Which leads us convieniently to Tottenham Hotspur’s prodigal child, Jermain Defoe. Ignoring his fellow player’s lust for silks, last night he fashioned his look on one of soul musics most beloved icons, Donny Hathaway. By which we mean that he wore a hat.
Some classic Hathaway AND classic Defoe after the jump…