Jerry Lee Lewis, Whole Lotta Shakin’ Going On
Lee Lewis, of course, was a great rock n roll pianist. He also married his 13-year-old cousin, then divorced her thirteen years later. Neither of which facts have anything to do with 13 being an unlucky number, but, let’s face it, they hardly help. Anyway, the point is that Jerry Lee Lewis is 74 today, so we thought we’d get him a gift. Hence, we all did an impression of Goose from Top Gun doing an impression of Jerry Lee Lewis, whilst others played the parts of Meg Ryan and Tom Cruise looking on, plus we discussed present ideas. And it wasn’t long before it boiled down to a toss up between some sweet and sour pork balls with extra chillies, or a great Jerry Lee Lewis number from 1957. In the end we got him both. Happy etc…!
Jimi Hendrix and Curtis Knight
Our favourite passive-aggressive actor, Tom Cruise, turns 47 today. That makes him nearly 50. How ridiculous that Maverick from Top Gun is nearly 50. Goose must be spinning in his grave. Anyway, he’s had quite a life with all the films, the curiously hollow-eyed girlfriends/wives, and the whole Scientology thing, so we thought we’d buy him a gift. To get into the mood we made up a story about aliens eating the souls of real people, and then got down to present talk, which boiled down to a toss up between a cold slap in the face or a clip of Hendrix singing a funky Birthday song. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Tom Cruise!
Is that a ball in your pocket…
It’s always with a massive rush of euphoria that we hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, so when Rory got in touch this morning, we damn near fainted with joy. Here’s his tennis update…
Day three and Wimbledon found a new sweetheart. Against the shrieking Sharapova, a little-known Argentine woman called Gisela Dulko pulled off the most unlikely victory. Classic Wimbledon it was, too – everyone cheered Sharapova onto the court, welcoming her back from a long injury lay-off. Then as the match went on, everyone got bored of the pinched face along with the incessant grunting and squealing and got behind the not-British-for-once underdog. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she happens to be pretty nice looking, so in the post-match press conference she got probed with all sorts of insightful tennis-based questions like “Have you got a boyfriend?” Felicitaciones Senorita Dulko. Bienvenidos a la big time. Just so you get the idea what all the fuss is about, that’s her up there (pictured).
Less popular was Victoria Azarenka who felt the full force of the anti-grunt backlash. The normally mild-mannered SW19 crowd put down their strawbs and cream, removed the knotted jumpers from around their shoulders in protest and started imitating her grunts in between points. That’ll teach her.
Elsewhere, Roger Federer was back in the waistcoat, which he removed for just long enough to crush his second round opponent, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez. Strolling from one side of the court to the other, throwing down bombs at will, the Fed looked so relaxed you half expected him break out a cigar at any moment.
Someone else in super-chillax mode was Andy Murray. So chillaxed in fact that he even took time out to do a spot of Twittering. “Got a putting competition going with Daniel Nestor. They’ve put a putting game in the lockers. Could get interesting. Just done the ice bath.” Now that’s cool – Top Gun’s Ice Man (pictured) would be proud. Let’s see how it all helps in his game today.
Also in action will be the only Brit left in the women’s draw, Elena Baltacha, who goes up against Alona Bondarenko. “It’s another tough match but I’m looking forward to it. If I play good tennis and just keep believing, then I’ve got a very good chance of getting through to the third round,” she said, beautifully setting up an inevitable defeat.
Is there any better feeling?
Music, don’t underestimate the power of it. It can make people do strange things. For example, next time you’re rowing with your life partner about a lost set of keys, have someone cue up a love song like Lady in Red – within seconds you’ll be a smoking heap on a moist living room floor. Similarly, if you’re being mugged by a gang of hoodies, just start humming some classic Sean Paul riffs. They’ll be so lost in the music, they’ll completely forget to stab you. But far greater than either of those examples are the songs that bring out a gentleman’s inner high school jock – the ones that make your boss want to share an enthusiastic high five with you. These are the four best, as pointed out by friend of the site and excellent maker of comments, Spencer…
1. Herbie Hancock, Rockit
Something about the scratching, the electric beats and the simple synth make this song excellent for high fiving. It’s also the kind of track that grown men are convinced they can breakdance to. They often can’t, but can make up for it by going for a double high five with the nearest recipient – it’s a move also known as the “high ten”. That’s how good this song is.
2. Kenny Loggins, Danger Zone
Forever linked with Top Gun, this song would be equally brilliant without the film. It’s got the word “danger” in it, there are about a million guitars power riffing at any one time, and Loggins is literally career peaking throughout. In fact, just thinking about it makes you want to run down the street pumping your fist and high fiving old women in shops.
3. Devo, Whip It
Cleverly, these art rockers from America included a whipping sound in this track. Anyone familiar with high fiving knows that when done to perfection, the connection makes exactly the same noise as a whip being cracked. Hence, the subliminal messages in this song demand that you slap hands. Absolutely demand it.
4. Fleetwood Mac, Don’t Stop
A song that celebrates the joy of the moment, just hearing the opening chord makes you want to start frantically high fiving anyone you can lay your hands on. In that sense, it’s a very dangerous track.
Please, stop smiling, you maniac
In the current global climate, it’s important that we all learn to love one another. After all, it’s only a matter of time before we’re all huddled in underground sewers, shoulder to shoulder, hungry and singing love songs to stay awake. Hence, we thought it high time to work on forgiving the public faces that have stirred such bile in the pits of our stomachs and – on occasion – made us actually shout at the television. The kind, innocent television. It didn’t deserve that. First up, Tom Cruise.
He is, of course, an easy target. Numerous po-faced critics have already done a good dismantling job on him, citing his ridiculous religious beliefs – aliens bombed a volcano, now we’re all lizards? – or his weird wife, who was excellent in Dawson’s Creek, but now looks dead behind the eyes. But, we haven’t got a problem with any of those things. We can’t like Tom Cruise because he’s so aggressively friendly. Read more…
Children, ignore the bad man…
Much has been made about how Top Gun is secretly the story of two young homosexual gentlemen – Maverick and Ice Man – coming to terms with their feelings, but it really isn’t. It’s simply the tale of a spoilt young twat behaving like a total cock.
There is no doubting that as a fighter-pilot sky romp, few films come close to it, and when Goose shatters his skull on that aeroplane window before floating to his death, Interestment sobs hysterically every time. But the man at the helm, Tom Cruise, is so hard to like, and impressionable youngsters should be actively discouraged from watching this. After all, this is what they would learn:
1. It’s perfectly fine to turn up late to a first date, and tell your host to carry on cooking while you have a shower. Read more…