Buffalo Springfield, For what it’s worth
Fans of Police Academy and Short Circuit will be going absolutely bonkers today, as Steve Guttenberg turns 51. No doubt the evening will be spent with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and their 23-year-old daughter Mary, who they all brought up together in a massive New York apartment. It’s going to be quite some night, so to celebrate we thought we’d buy Steve a gift, hence we dressed up as clowns and sat weeping hysterically in a park and discussing ideas, until it boiled down to a toss up between a big box of pens, or a clip of some hippies singing a song. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Guttenberg!
Not including this old man…
Wow, how about that Ashes. Monty out there, eyes bulbous like a deer nervously answering questions at gun point. The other guy at the other end using his plank of wood to stop the heavy red tennis ball shattering the Spinal Tap Stone Henge wooden sculpture behind him. It was gripping stuff. Hence, we thought it high time that we list our best Ashes team, not including people from the black and white days, because we have no idea what they were like. That means no Fred Trueman, no Don Bradman (pictured), no Jim Laker, and no Richie Benaud. Sorry chaps…
1. Geoff Boycott, England
The most stubborn man to ever walk the planet, Boycott would probably struggle to lend an elderly woman three pence for a horse ride home in his native Yorkshire. All traits which made him a remarkable cricketer, who appeared to be constantly laughing on the other side of his face in between making runs.
2. Allan Border, Australia
One of the greatest Allans to take up the game – alongside Lamb – this Allan was a constant thorn in England’s side during Ashes matches, as he sternly notched up big scores without ever raising a smile. A moody gentleman.
3. David Boon, Australia
With Merv Hughes unable to make the team, in comes Boon with the all-important comedy moustache. A very handy batsmen, he didn’t only look hilarious, but he once reportedly drank something like two hundred beers during a single flight. Very roughly.
4. David Gower, England
If Boon can get away with joke moustaches, then Gower deserves massive props for his brilliant curly perm. Blonde as midnight snow, he was an elegant striker of the ball, who can now be found doing an impression of Des Lynam, only minus the furry lip slug.
5. Steve Waugh, Australia
Anyone who switched on their television sets during the late 80s to watch cricket will only ever have seen Steve Waugh bat. An unnervingly Australian man, he could stand in one place for weeks at a time without blinking.
6. Adam Gilchrist, Australia
Like so many marvelous sportsmen, Gilchrist was cursed with gargantuan ears to compensate for his unbelievable cricketing skills. This wasn’t a problem while he was smashing the world’s finest bowlers about the pitch, but now that he’s retired and prowling for skirt? We shall see.
7. Ian Botham, England
Ahh, Beefy. Beefy would walk into any team with his crazy antics, his impressive gut, and that delicious early 80s beard which soon morphed into a sexy mid 80s moustache. These days he can be found talking at length about some of the funny things him and Lamb used to say to each other in front of glazed over groups of extremely disappointed cricket fans.
8. Shane Warne, Australia
The bad boy of Australian cricket, Warney had the look of a man who would happily join a bongo circle and have a toke on a peace pipe in between test matches. But with those zany twisty-turny balls, he might just be the greatest bowler ever to walk the earth. Above, he’s hilariously dressed up as a woman.
9. Dennis Lillee, Australia
As the photo depicts, Lillee was probably the Tom Selleck of cricket for a time, and was occasionally known to sport a curious headband when he bowled. His raw pace obliterated many a fine opposition, while his metal bat (below) was just weird.
10. Glenn McGrath, Australia
If Warne was the wild one, McGrath was Steady Eddie, known for his dogged consistency, eroding batsmen like he were a strong westerly wind and they were a withered rock on the edge of an old hill. As with cruel nature, the wind always wins.
11. Bob Willis, England
And finally, another Englishman joins Beefy in the bowling attack, and no, it’s not Kevin Keegan’s older lankier brother, it’s Bob Willis – a tall man, who fashioned early attempts at the white-fro. He could bowl the ball pretty fast, so they say.
Han Solo, PI
It’s official, our homosexual friends will be in mourning today, remembering the loss of the greatest gay man of them all – Judy Garland. She would have been 87 today, had she not done herself in with barbiturates back in 1969. A terrible terrible waste. She should be with us, putting on one heck of a show down at G-A-Y, possibly supported by Girls Aloud, or the Pussycat Dolls. But she isn’t, she’s dead. Still, we thought we’d get her a gift, so we put on vest tops and strode down a high street looking fierce and giving good walk, and decided that she’d either like a drawing of a massive ant fighting a mouse, or a Magnum PI/Star Wars mash up. In the end we got her both. Have a FABULOUS Birthday Garland!
Jimi Hendrix, The Dick Cavett Show
What don’t we owe to Tom Selleck? He has single-handedly opened female minds to the raw power of male sexuality, and made it okay to express yourself with a moustache and flowery shirt. Today he turns 64, and buying him a present to truly express our gratitude became almost impossibly difficult. It boiled down to a toss up between a selection of bath salts and body lotions, or a Jimi Hendrix interview from the excellent Dick Cavett Show. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Tom Selleck! You’re the BEST!