A new series on the way…
If you haven’t seen it, you’re probably bored out of your mind of hearing insane enthusiasts going on and on about The Wire. So we won’t say too much, except that it is by far the greatest television show ever made. If you have seen it, find out who our favourite characters are here, and read about each season in order of preference here. Great show. The brilliant news is that David Simon – the bulbous throbbing mind behind the whole thing – has written another show for HBO, called Treme, which chronicles the problems facing the people of New Orleans after that awful hurricane ripped the city to shreds a few years ago. The word on the street is that the story revolves around a group of jazz musicians, two of whom may or may not be Bunk and Lester (pictured) from The Wire. Since hearing the news, we’ve been jumping up and down clapping our hands like David from Big Brother at a Vivienne Westwood gig.
You heard it here first. Or, like, twelfth.
The Wire with a laugh track
Kenny G, the adult contemporary saxophonist, turns 53 today, and anything that man hasn’t done probably isn’t worth doing. He’s strolled down sandy beaches at sunset, his yellow vest flapping in the wind, just him and his sax. He’s run women hot baths sprinkled with rose petals, and serenaded them with one of his smooth sax hits. He’s even allowed Glenn Hoddle moments of nervous reflection in times when he might have just made a big mistake by insulting our disabled brothers and sisters. His sax music has helped a lot of people. Hence we thought we’d get him a gift, so we all stood at the top of big buildings, our silhouettes playing sax in the centre of a bright full moon, shouting ideas to one another. It boiled down to a toss up between a big orange jumper, or a brilliant clip of The Wire overdubbed with canned laughter. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Mr G!
WARNING! There will be spoilers, people.
Everyone loves The Wire, and quite correctly. Often these things are hyped to kingdom come, and all you’re left with is a deflated feeling in your stomach as the greatest thing imaginable turns out to be just okay. But, honestly, this definitely is the greatest TV show of all time – something Jesus would probably watch. It’s that good. So good that coming up with the four best characters was a near impossible feat, with greats like Prop Joe, Bunk, Marlo, Prez, Kima, McNulty, Snoop, Lester and Daniels all falling in the edit. Men who could dazzle on any other show on television. In the end, our ever changing top four looks like this…
1. Duquan “Dukie” Weems
Ahhh Dukie, poor, downtrodden Dukie. If The Wire could be pinned down in simple terms, it was the story of two junkies. One on the road to recovery – the brilliant Bubbles, who only just missed out here – and one on the slow descent into hell, Dukie. Of all the stories in the five seasons of the show, his is by far the most heart breaking, as he does everything he can to avoid the inevitable card that cruel life has dealt him. We’ll admit it, sad Dukie made us cry, sitting there at the end, heroin pumping through his veins. A tragedy.
2. Bodie Broadus
Bodie encapsulates everything that was brilliant about The Wire, with his hard working nature, and impeccable street smarts. From his lowly days in The Pit to his stubborn last moments desperately trying to defend his corner from the Stanfield crew, he doesn’t budge one inch. In many ways, he was a true American hero – one who followed uncomfortable orders when he killed Wallace, one who stood up to Marlo Stanfield, and one who could talk man-to-man with haggered old McNulty. Even if it did cost him his life. His spitting technique was very impressive also.
3. Omar Little
As gay stick up kids go, they don’t come much more brilliant than Omar. One of the few gangsters with a conscience and a code, he was like a modern day Robin Hood – only one that carried a shotgun, and was never without a smouldering cigarette. His scar was also pretty excellent. The harrowing reality of the streets were revealed when Omar‘s death – which felt like such a big deal – barely made it into the local news. A brilliant, brilliant character, and probably the closest to fantasy in the whole programme.
4. Stringer Bell
It was a tight call, picking the greatest of the big drug dealing brains – Prop Joe almost barged his way in with his near-Chaucerian way of speaking, and Marlo Stanfield was terrifyingly excellent too. But it was Stringer Bell who was the criminal you really wanted to be, with his effortless cool, and advanced business brain. The ultimate modern drug dealer. On the downside, he had D’Angelo Barksdale killed, and we really liked D’Angelo.
What is THAT?
Should you still have a craving for words and pictures, we have been doing odds and ends for the magnificent people of Hecklerspray. This week, we’ve cast a contentious shadow of doubt over brilliant TV shows like The Wire , so-so singers like Amy Winehouse, and that unfortunate waste of time, Slumdog Millionaire. Go here, then get cross with us for being just so wide of the mark.
Merry Easter everyone.
No room for these particular lookalikes…
Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.
Goalkeeper, David James
Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.
Right Back, Gary Neville
Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.
Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate
Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.
Centre Back, Olof Melberg
We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).
Centre Midfield, Joey Barton
Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.
Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard
Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.
Left Midfield, Ronaldinho
Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.
Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez
Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.
Centre Forward, Peter Crouch
Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.
Corner boys, take note
Sometimes, as men, it’s easy to forget that while breastfeeding looks like a breeze, it really isn’t. We know this because women around us have started making babies appear, and those little things have got a hunger that just won’t quit. A great friend of the site, known as Daisy, has been multitasking through motherhood, simultaneously watching The Wire while junior feeds vigourously and persistently. Here’s what she learned:
Ten reasons why Breastfeeding is More Difficult than being a drug dealer on The Wire (Season 1).
1. You don’t get new clothes, fancy cars or wads of cash for breastfeeding.
2. You have to breastfeed 24/7 – you can deal drugs whenever you like.
It’s going to be intense, 2009
Well, we pretty much messed up all of the promises we made to ourselves in 2008. There are no visible abdominal muscles, there isn’t anything in the savings account, and The Yeti (pictured) is still out there, hunting down people to eat. He should be dead, damn it. Hence, we decided that this year we’d keep it reasonable, and in amongst the giving up coffee after 10pm, and no cheese before lunch, were these four promises:
1. We must watch this film
It’s called Skatetown USA, it’s about rollerskating, romance on wheels, disco music. It stars Bugsy Malone and Patrick Swayze, and it’s described as “the greatest story ever rolled”. A must, then.
For those who haven’t seen it, you might want to look away
There is nothing more boring than hearing one of your mates twitter endlessly about how great a television show is. It’s a bit like listening to someone else’s dream. That said, if you haven’t seen it, watch The Wire, it really is as good as all of your pretentious friends tell you it is. So good that we’ve decided to rate each season from best to worst…
1. Season 4
Four school buddies – Michael, Namond, Randy and Dukie – are easing into a life of crime. Bubbles is on top form, Prez is trying his luck as a teacher, and Lester is at his swaggering best. But above all that, Marlo Stanfield and his gang are in the process of making the Barksdale lads look like a bunch of namby-pamby ninnies. The best thirteen episodes of television ever.