More shocking showbiz news
If you’re braving public transport this evening, prepare for an awkward, stunned silence. Kelly Brook has been photographed, on a film set, in a bikini. A bikini so shiny and red that King Cedric the Shiny would have definitely worn it when he was King of Russia, way back when. Before the whole revolution. It’s that shiny. Showbusiness desks have been quivering under the weight of such magnificent photographs, although one showbiz journalist in particular is appalled to see that they also feature a young American actress called Riley Steele, who has starred in all kinds of dirty films. What kind of people is Brook hanging out with now?
Elsewhere in the world, Posh Spice has blown everyone’s minds by turning up at an airport wearing a very savoury dinner jacket with some Daisy Duke style hot pants. Was she confused when she got dressed this morning? Or should we all be doing this now? Big throbbing showbiz minds are still discussing this with screaming fashion circles. We will get to the bottom of it. Plus Yasmina from The Apprentice is now the actual apprentice. Not stroke face Kate, who we thought was going to win.
What should a Hollywood star wear on holiday?
If you sensed a movement in the force today, don’t freak out, it’s just that some pictures of Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives landed on a few extremely important showbiz desks. She’s on holiday in France. She’s wearing a bikini. Yeah, it’s pretty far out stuff. Hence, reporters have been going ballistic on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell she is doing in France, and, more importantly, where those lovely bikinis might be from – one of them is stripey, for Christ’s sake. Stripey. Does that mean we should all be wearing stripes? Julia Roberts was in spots the other week, now Longoria’s in stripes. Who do we listen to? Roberts or Longoria? It’s very unsettling, but these are exactly the kind of questions that we need to ask ourselves. One showbusiness reporter in particular is very impressed by her holidaying skills, and there are even a few brilliant photographs of her zipping around the sea on one of those water motorbike things. Good for her.
In other astonishing news, The Apprentice final will feature Kate Walsh (below) – the blonde one who talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those having a stroke adverts – and Yasmina Siadatan, who spent most of last night’s episode explaining that her only weakness is that she has too many strengths. Our money is on Kate winning the job, and Yasmina embarking on a life-long mission to avenge her humiliation on national television, which ends with her driving a javelin through Sir Alan Sugar’s heart at the 2012 Olympics. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Cassetteboy vs. The Apprentice
It’s another corker of a day for birthdays. In fact, it’s one of those fantasy dinner party days, with Noel Gallagher, John F Kennedy, Latoya Jackson, and Bob Hope all set for an evening of pillow punching and helpless weeping, thanks to their so-called friends, who totally FORGOT ABOUT THEIR BIRTHDAY. What a nightmare. One birthday that hasn’t been forgotten is that of Scary Spice, who turns a very terrifying 34 today. She’s the gobby one from the Spice Girls, and by far the prettiest. We simply had to get her a gift, so we lay on a sofa for about three hours, oscillating between snoozing, and quietly whispering ideas directly into one another’s ears, and it boiled down to a toss up between a leopard print stuffed leopard, or a brilliant Apprentice video. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Mel B!
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.
Couple to breed a super-race?
Breeding is a fascinating process, where the hope is that the end product (ie. baby) will have taken the good traits from each parent. Hideous mistakes have threatened to happen in the past, like the time everyone thought that Julia Roberts might have a child with a Country and Western Lyle Lovett rat face and her prickly personality. And the debate about euthenasia was once again brought up in whispering circles when it was rumoured that Ashley Cole had done it unprotected with his mirror-image around the back of Chinawhites. As it turns out, that was just a bad dream. Now, the latest couple daring to throw together some x and y chromosomes are Phil and Kate from The Apprentice. You know, Phil and Kate. He’s the one with the really deep voice who got sacked, and she’s the pretty one who might win, even though she talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. Talking to a showbusiness magazine, Phil said something along the lines of, “I’m a winner, I always get what I want, I’m the best, I will marry her, Sir Alan, I will definitely marry her… just make me project manager, I’ll show you that I can… LET ME SPEAK, YOU WILL GET YOUR TURN… I just want to prove that I will marry her… I’m a great salesperson, I will marry her, I love her… she’s good looking, I will marry her…” Et cetera.
In other thrilling news, the good morning everyone television presenter and horrible ballroom dancer, Kate Garraway, stunned the entire nation by leaving the house wearing a pair of leggings, even though she’s completely pregnant. We couldn’t get those pictures, so we got another one…
No room for these babes…
It’s great, The Apprentice. There’s Lord Alan Sugar with his bulldog face, the two henchmen and women at his side – one who looks absolutely appalled, the other wearing lipstick. Then, there are the real stars of the show – the job hunters. Last time around they had a pretty blonde who spoke from the side of her mouth like the old lady in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. She’s now seriously career peaking on Channel Five. Another star was the horrible brunette who looked a bit like the tennis player Jelena Jankovic. And yet neither of them made this list. It was hard restricting it to just five, but, screw you, those are the rules. Big names like Katie Hopkins, Ruth Badger, and the weird little rose pettle scuttling around in a stupid beret all just fell at the last hurdle…
1. Raef Bjayou
Proudly boasted the ability to charm both “prince and pauper”, and we certainly believed the first bit. Faced with a tooled-up street urchin looking to shiv you in the neck for change, and our money’s on the knife, unfortunately Raef. Either way, despite having all the ingredients to make us want to brick up the lounge, Raef proved to be a likable chap with tremendous hair, and the most intense, moving screen laugh we have ever seen.
2. Michael Sophocles
As boasts go, reminding Alan Sugar of a young version of himself is probably up there with working as a prostitute to clear your gambling debts. Which leads completely seamlessly to the revelation that young Michael once had to go on the game to keep the leg breakers from the door. During his time on the show, he proved to be the most astonishing boardroom turncoat, the only Jewish boy alive without a full comprehension of what kosher means. But we’ll forever hold him dear for dancing like a dick…
3. Saira Khan
The show has enjoyed a slew of ball busters, but none quite so lethal as Saira. Her ability to locate the most sensitive point of irritability in every single human being on the show was absolutely brilliant to behold. And yet, she continues to work. For actual money.
4. Syed Ahmed
Syed was the prototype for a new breed of Apprentice star – good looking, super-confident, totally thick, appalling at business. Others to appear from this particularly weird conveyor belt include Tre Azam and the aforementioned Michael Sophocles. The show works best when these characters are systematically destroyed by Sir Alan’s business friends during the terrifying job interview bit – particularly the one who looks like a furious shaved testicle in a suit. Below is Syed’s most magnificent moment.
5. Kevin Shaw
Kevin was simply amazing. Constantly defensive, he managed to make a simple pitch about greeting cards sound like an incomprehensible argument between two brain damaged drug addicts on Jeremy Kyle, but nothing comes close to the time he decided that a total inability to cook shouldn’t stop him explaining to a trained chef how to correctly assemble a delicious spaghetti carbonara. So that’s bacon, ham, chicken, creme fraiche…