Ahhh, the weird old days…
Nothing karate chops your underpants more than watching a good friend transform into a superstar. One minute, they’re sitting in a pub with you, laughing at your joke about a rabbit going into a butcher’s shop, the next minute, you’re shouting the same joke at them from behind a red rope which divides “people” from “very important people”. They’re french kissing three girls at a time, you’re in tears clutching a bottle of Becks that you found on a table. They don’t know you anymore. Damn it, you don’t know you any more. You’re going to need some fresh jokes.
All of which leads us very conveniently to Robbie Williams, who has been scattering clues all over the place to suggest that he might be rejoining his old band, Take That. The same Take That who stood behind the velvet rope watching Williams romping his way through a cordoned-off, much fancier section of the club, for years. Metaphorically speaking. But now, of course, they’ve been allowed access to the VIP bit, whilst Robbie’s probably straddling the rope, career-wise. Will he make it back into the fancier areas of the club? Will they stop fondling fake bosoms and even notice him now? Is this metaphor really tiring yet? It quite probably is. The point being that Williams is hedging his bets. He’s got a solo album coming out, which might bomb now that his ex-colleagues have been granted a second blast in the sunshine, so it looks like a good back-up plan to sew rumour seeds of a possible full reunion. It will be interesting to see if he bothers re-entering the fold should his next outing succeed. Either way, showbiz desks around the land have become dizzy with glee over this. Absolutely dizzy.
In other news, Alesha Dixon is still souring everyone’s milkshakes with her clueless, meandering assessments on Strictly… And Lacey Turner from Eastenders won a prize at an award’s show, and has left the entire celebrity world agog by not looking too cheerful about it. What is her PROBLEM?
Yes, people saw everything… ie. nipple
Science is great, it teaches us everything we need to know about breathing oxygen in, and carbon dioxide out. Without it, we wouldn’t know that bubbling water equals hot water, so amongst many other great life lessons, it’s prevented lots of embarrassing burns related humiliations. Plus, more recently, science has brought to our attention exactly what happens when a flash camera comes into near-contact with a silky black top – it renders the flimsy blouse almost entirely see-through. Hence, the clever celebrities who read books and manuals now know to pop on an undergarment if they’re heading into a heavily policed paparazzi zone wearing a sexy little black number. But unfortunately, it appears that the mathletes in Girls Aloud don’t bother with education now that they’re famous, so when Nadine Coyle – the lead singer, and third most beautiful – decided to swan around LA in a black top minus a supportive bra, those with cameras were placed on full nipple alert. And bingo, the circular Irish private part has zipped around celebrity news desks, leaving one particular journalist guffawing into his large cappuccino, wondering whether she’s done the whole thing on purpose, so that people might take her seriously as a solo artist. An argument that would suggest that she does understand important scientific logic after all. Have we been wrong all along about these girls?
In other important celebrity news, one or two members of the high ranking showbiz press are astonished that Helena Bonham Carter opted to wear a certain red swimming costume on holiday, as they have issues with what the garment is doing to her figure, particularly around the buttock area. And over in sunny England, Mark Owen is making an honest man of himself by marrying his girlfriend.
Think before you start singing…
With the absence of Top of the Pops, and a confusing amount of radio stations to choose from, it’s hard to know where to listen to music these days. We tried jogging with synchronised Discmans, but the things kept falling out of our pockets and smashing to smithereens in front of other joggers – all of whom could clearly afford futuristic iPods and shorts that weren’t just an old pair of jeans chopped at the knee. Damn posers, with their cappuccinos. Anyway, we decided to try out The Box on cable television, so we all sat down together – extended family and neighbours – and first up it was Take That with their hit song Back For Good. This should be good, we thought – none of us had heard it before. Three minutes later, the cousins were crying hysterically holding pillows over their faces to protect their eyes from the nasty singing men, Grandpa was simply shouting “what is this?” over and over again like he was having a war flashback, and the neighbours quietly left the room, muttering something about how they weren’t coming “back for good”. It was a terrifying experience for everyone involved. We were disgusted, and here’s what your children would learn from these so-called gentlemen of pop…
1. It’s fine to be a stalker or a slob
First up, it’s raining in the video, and only Mark and Jason have sensible waterproof jackets on. Williams, for heaven’s sake, is wearing a fur. Ridiculous. But we let that go, because it’s the actual singing that really stings. “Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup,” croons Gary Barlow, bold as brass. This means one of two things: 1. He saw you drinking a coffee somewhere, he stole the cup – hence the “your” in “coffee cup”, on the assumption that shared bits of crockery are not specific to any one member of a household. Otherwise it would be “your lipstick mark still on OUR (or THE) coffee cup.” Or it could mean, 2. The man has broken up with his woman and become a complete slob. He hasn’t washed up for weeks, old lipstick marks are all over the place, he probably smells. Chances are he just prowls around the once-shared flat in revolting tracksuit bottoms and a vest, occasionally logging on to Facebook to change his status update to explain that he’s totally fine now, having a really cool time actually.
2. Just say sorry, even if you have no idea what you’re apologising for
“Whatever I said, whatever I did,” continues Barlow, now into the throws of the song, “I didn’t mean it.” That’s right,“WHATEVER I said” – he can’t even remember what he said, he doesn’t know what what was said, he just knows that he probably said something. “WHATEVER I did” – oh, he’s covering as many bases as possible now. He’s realised that if it wasn’t something he said, it must be something he did. “Did” being so non-specific that it could really apply to anything. “I didn’t mean it.” He didn’t mean to do whatever it was that he supposedly said or did, neither of which he is remotely aware of. Instead he’s making a weak blanket apology, simply asking you to assess what he might have done wrong, and accept an overall sorry for it. In short, it shows a massive lack of both empathy and personal awareness.
3. If you want to win someone back, do anything they demand
“Just tell me the song and I’ll sing it,” pleads Barlow – basically the only singer on this one, the others occasionally mime something in the background. With such a soft, flannel-like sentiment, he might as well simply tear out his spine and hand it to you on a silver platter, like a bony eel, flapping around. Here’s an idea – tell him to jump off a cliff.
4. Finish by sending out mixed messages to your ex-lover
To his credit, Barlow acknowledges that his ex is doing pretty well without him, thank you very much – “in the twist of separation you excelled at being free”. But then he goes on to ask – “can’t you find a little room inside for me?” At this point his puppy dog eyes are going tearful at the side. Has he really changed? That’s what his ex-lover is considering. After all, look at him, tail between his legs, asking for another go. He’s softened. AND THEN BARLOW RUINS EVERYTHING. In the final line of the song, after almost four minutes of playing the wounded animal, he has a change of attitude and simply demands another go. “I guess now it’s time, that you came back for good,” he growls, the underlying threatening nature of the lyric barely masked without the backing singers crooning away with him. He’s not asking anymore, he’s telling you what to do. He hasn’t changed one bit, girlfriend!
Here’s the video, should you be able to stomach it…
Did any of these musicians make it?
For those of you constantly wondering who would make up the best boyband of all time, we have tackled exactly that conundrum for the excellent grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. Go and read on that here.
It’s a curious, poignant title…
Take That, a band christened at the height of youth, their band name so punchy and cocksure that you couldn’t help but fall in love with these guys. There was the tiny midget one, the two window cleaners, Pavarotti, and, of course, the great American comedian, Robin Williams. They were fantastic, and for a while there, we thought we’d lost them for good. But no, they’ve returned to our hearts, leaner, more stubbly, and slightly thinning. They sound almost exactly like Coldplay. This cover, for their fifth studio album, finds the lads walking along what appears to be electric cables on a summers afternoon, perhaps in a field somewhere, or it could be by the side of a motorway. Either way, it’s totally irresponsible, made all the more insulting by Mark’s confusing outfit decisions – a vest and a scarf. How can it be warm enough for a vest, and yet cold enough for a scarf? Does he have the flu? And why choose the tightrope anyway? Clowns are much better. It has been argued that the tightrope is a clever metaphor for the delicate nature of a career in the limelight, where one slip and splat, you’re finished. They may have a point.
Below is our favourite song by Take That. Ironically sung by the one with serious speech issues.
Steve Martin, The Jerk
Robbie Williams, what a life that guy is having. First he was in Take That, then he decided to go it alone and did really well. Then he seemed to get gradually sadder and more upset, as if no amount of luxury jacuzziing could wash away the pain of being a successful millionaire living in Los Angeles. So, this year, for his 35th birthday, we thought we’d go about really cheering him up, but as usual we were torn about what to get him. It boiled down to a toss up between a visit from a friendly clown, or a clip of Steve Martin in The Jerk. In the end, we got him both! Happy Birthday Robbie Williams!
Cornell Campbell, Fight Against Corruption
He’s so busy riding the crest of a new wave that we wonder if Gary Barlow will even stop to celebrate his 38th birthday. No matter, we decided to get him a present anyway, and, as usual, things got pretty heated and a fight broke out. One half of the room wanted to splash out and get him a new baby grand piano to go with his resurgent pop career, while the other half thought just a nice reggae song about keeping it real would suffice. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Gary! Take THAT!