What have those daily pamphlets been saying?
CelebLand is packed to the gunwales with uplifting tid-bits: The Spice Girls are not re-uniting (again), the Backstreet Boys have swine flu, Stacey and Rachel X-Factor have been spotted buying loo roll for the communal bogs, and Simon Cowell’s 100 per cent taste-free 50th birthday party featured an inflatable vagina and a drunken Jordan.
Fashion: Po-faced food dodger, Trinny off-of Trinny and Susannah was spotted canoodling with a man (not Susannah) who – irony of ironies! – was dressed really badly. Speaking of which, the usually gorgeously attired Rhianna (pictured) wowed Paris Fancy Dress Week in a minidress, accessorised with safety glasses and waders. FAIL.
Home news: in an un-surprising poll, the UK has been voted the 21st best place to live AFTER Norway (a country only famous for A-ha, hand cream, and cheese for breakfast), Belgium (which is BELGIUM for crying out loud) and Iceland . Given Britain’s current economic situation, it’s likely pollsters were referring to the frozen-products superstore.
Tech news: Microdaft urged users of hotmail to change their passwords yesterday after hackers posted over 10,000 usernames and passwords on the net. Perhaps this massive, instantaneous rush to log on caused the crash of French First Lady, Carla Bruni’s website two minutes after going live. An inside source from the French Political Tech Advisory Office refused to comment, as he was smoking endless cigarettes on a four hour lunch break (probably).
And finally: After losing 6.6 billion of weapons and equipment down the back of the settee in August, the Ministry of Defence decided to go for a stupidity Gold Medal after its Internal Guide to Avoiding Leaks was leaked yesterday.
Five haircuts in lycra shouting “Girl Power!” into whichever microphone was closest probably wasn’t the greatest advert for the rise of the sisterhood in the 1990s. On her own, Beyonce has achieved far more, yet even she managed to shoot herself in the foot by rallying the “single ladies” with what sounded like a war cry, before demanding marriage. There really seem to be so few real renegades. And the big news today is that the Spice Girls have been spotted out having dinner together. Might a reunion be in the offing? Haven’t they reunited once before already? Were they just actually having dinner? Whatever way, they’re all mums now, apart from the one with all the tatts who used to do the roly-polies on stage, so the nation’s menfolk needn’t be quaking in their boots just yet. Plus, Posh Spice wasn’t there. She was too busy lording it up in Los Angeles. Hence, you’ll have to make do with The Saturdays if it’s a strong feminist fix you’re after.
Elsewhere in the world of famous people, the actress Katherine Heigl (below) has joined the elite group of celebrities who adopt, and Ronnie Wood has been turfed out of the sex nest he’s been sharing with that Russian girl. Such news has left the entire showbiz world agog, and a bit frightened.
Okay, coming right up, guys…
Should you be twitching at your work station, in serious need of a reading boost, we have been doing odds and ends for the grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week, we decided to compile the greatest girlband imaginable, including greats like Nicole Appleton, Victoria Beckham, Jenny Frost, and two others. Read all about that here.
Cassetteboy vs. The Apprentice
It’s another corker of a day for birthdays. In fact, it’s one of those fantasy dinner party days, with Noel Gallagher, John F Kennedy, Latoya Jackson, and Bob Hope all set for an evening of pillow punching and helpless weeping, thanks to their so-called friends, who totally FORGOT ABOUT THEIR BIRTHDAY. What a nightmare. One birthday that hasn’t been forgotten is that of Scary Spice, who turns a very terrifying 34 today. She’s the gobby one from the Spice Girls, and by far the prettiest. We simply had to get her a gift, so we lay on a sofa for about three hours, oscillating between snoozing, and quietly whispering ideas directly into one another’s ears, and it boiled down to a toss up between a leopard print stuffed leopard, or a brilliant Apprentice video. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Mel B!
Oh thank goodness, she made it…
As you’re probably aware, the showbiz world has been locked in a terrified silence for the last twenty-four hours or so after news swept in that Penelope Cruz – the Spaniard who once pretended to go out with Tom Cruise – got a dicky tummy after eating some poisonous food. Apparently she might actually have been sick at one point. And her stomach felt just horrible. Really really horrible. Cannes Film Festival was put on yellow alert, and all of her commitments for the next five years were rumoured to be cancelled until her eventual recovery. So imagine the shock, when like Lazarus in the Life of Brian, she rose from her bed yesterday morning, and actually walked. Walked all the way to a party. Someone was overheard saying that it might just have been a twenty-four hour thing, but they were removed from proceedings immediately. It was a miracle. A Penelope Cruz shaped miracle.
Elsewhere in the French cinema town, Peaches Geldof has been further upsetting local babies by wandering the streets with her various aggressive tattoos showing. And in shocking motherhood news, it seems that Geri Halliwell – formerly of friendship with George Michael – deems it appropriate to smoke in front of her child. One showbiz reporter in particular simply can’t believe it. Here she is with her friends before she was snared by the silky weed…
The Slits, Typical Girls
Long before The Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, and now The Saturdays, girl groups were already going strong in the UK. Like The Slits, for example – here they are in 1979. Look out for lead singer Ari Up‘s revolutionary one-legged dancing in this cheerful video, filmed in one of London’s many parks. Fantastic.