Is this your winner?
The sun is setting on the Big Brother house, and come the weekend, the fourth best series of the lot will be coming to an end. For anyone remotely interested, we like the first two best, then the one that Nadia – a lady/man – won (series five?). And then this one. It’s had it all – villains, sexual tomfoolery, almighty bust ups, the Freddie/Bea axis of tension. Brilliant. And now, with only five left, we see their departures going somewhere in this order…
David will definitely be the first one out. How he has survived is something of a mystery – when he insisted on barking “nanu-nanu!” roughly every ten seconds during the alien task, we seriously considered breaking into the Big Brother house and bricking him to death dressed as Mork from Mork and Mindy, ourselves shouting “nanu-nanu!” so that those would be the last words that ever filtered through his thick skull and into his empty brain. He is somewhat reminiscent of Tom Hanks in Big.
Charlie should be the next out, which will come as a shock, as he secretly believes that he might just win the show. In years gone by, he probably would have. After all, he’s got the lot – a cheerful personality, moments of tenderness, a certain gayness, a will they/won’t they love story, and a mother in a coma. Unfortunately, since the X Factor went overkill on the tragedy card, reality television audiences have grown sterner than De Niro with a headache, so he’ll be bundled out second, but he will get a few cheers from the baying mob.
The odds will tell you that Rodrigo will get the chop third, but a sad hunch suggests that the Interestment favourite, Siavash, will be the next to make awkward conversation with Davina. Rodrigo has proved to be a rather strange mix of cheerful and tetchy. One minute cackling in the pool, the next pointing fingers into people’s faces saying “shut urp” over and over again. His Brokeback Mountain storyline with Charlie suggests that he might just turn up to the empty house in years to come, asking a non-plussed security guard if a shaven Geordie has been through these parts recently. Expect to see them not-really-fishing in the near future. Siavash, meanwhile, has had one heck of a journey in the house, and has managed to retain most of his dignity despite being hideously dumped by Noirin when her ex-boyfriend bound in to tell her that – rather worryingly – “daddy’s back”, and having spent his final week dressed as a gymnast in a makeshift tuxedo. On the downside, after offending Marcus, and losing Freddie, he became rather too peripheral in the house, so his worth dropped considerably. A worthy contender, our favourite, but he won’t win.
Sophie, however, probably will. On entering the house, roughly three minutes after her breasts, she didn’t look to have a hope, and the short-lived love affair with the awful Kris smacked of a spread in OK!. But she has done well to completely neglect her glamour girl looks, pile on a few pounds, lose her hair extensions, and thus humanise herself in the eyes of the bitchy voting public. Dumping Kris was another good move, overtly farting has also served her well, hence while she started the show looking for all the world like an awful wannabe-WAG, she will leave as a cheerful girl-next-door type. Our only real beef was her horrendous display of stereotypical ditziness in the geography task. A worthy-ish winner.
It actually will be missed
There’s been a lot of scorn poured on the Big Brother house in the last few weeks, which has now culminated in the show getting axed from Channel 4!… at the end of next summer. This could no doubt result in an eggy-faced situation if the final installment suddenly sets phone lines alight again. But the likelihood is that the show could go in one of three directions – either the Sky One/Bravo/Channel Five route, scooping up will-be-WAGs who would otherwise be enjoying a Gaffney/Bowers sandwich in Movida and getting them to share a house with randy telesales operatives. The higher brow More 4 route, reverting back to the edgy psychological study of human behaviour that it once promised to be. Or it will disappear for good. Whatever the outcome, it’s been a great show, this series in particular. The rumbling from the Channel 4 offices is that certain members of the workforce don’t think that the show is cool enough anymore, and, frankly, that’s one of the reasons why it has worked so well this time around. Instead of assembling a house crammed with the noisiest people on a night out, or those most likely to become famous, we’ve enjoyed a mix of introverts, weirdos, and squares. The only truly disappointing moments have been when these characters have resorted to Big Brother stereotypes – like when Sophie couldn’t find Britain on a map, which wasn’t sweet and cutesy, but felt contrived and frustrating. Or the presence of Kris, who would probably have peacocked his way into any of the last five or six series’. But the rest of the inmates have been intriguing – some surprising and well balanced, some flawed, and some who you could actually envisage in real life. As a study of human interaction and behaviour, it is the best series since the first two. And we’re not just saying that to create some kind of ironic bandwagon.
This Friday, keep Siavash IN!
Finally, the clash of the titans
It was always going to happen eventually – two big names, one big vote. And now the only two men in the house who don’t actively pluck their pubes will be vying for public love. In one corner, Marcus – a man who has come a long way in the last few weeks, and now seems almost comfortable communicating with people outside of internet chatrooms. If this socialisation process were to continue, he might yet rid himself of the hillbilly haircut. Time will tell. And in the other corner is Siavash. Mighty Siavash. Yesterday kitted out in lizard camouflage. His obsession with nominations finally got to the rest of the house, Charlie in particular, and Siavash’s handling of the situation was pretty admirable. Amidst a tirade of abuse, he stood strong and calm, like a deaf giant at a heavy rock concert. Good for him. The odds would suggest that Marcus is off on Friday, but an uncomfortable hunch suggests that we could be bidding a very tearful farewell to our Iranian Dave Lee Travis.
Elsewhere in the house, Sophie further endorsed the importance of satellite navigation systems by failing to identify England on a map of the world. David should really receive a lifetime ban from libraries, churches, and snooker matches. And Rodrigo now just wanders the house pointing randomly at people and telling them to shut up. Or, in Brazilian, “shut urp.”
Oh, and this guy left…
After just over a week of prowling the house in t-shirts made for men half his size, wearing trainers and a hat in bed, and eating breakfast like it was a workout, his muscles taut and angry, veins throbbing as he spooned economy cornflakes into his tight, muscular mouth, Tom has left the building. He cited being bored as his reason for flouncing out in the middle of the night, but we have a hunch that once he realised that Noirin had accepted the hairy Iranian lips, he was no longer needed. His parting shots involved telling a confused Rodrigo that he’d win the show, and upsetting bosomy Sophie by alluding to her boyfriend Kris being a prat. Something we’ve known for weeks, thanks Tom. He won’t really be missed.
Elsewhere in the house, Marcus has been floating angrily in the pool, unable to compute that women don’t really find him very attractive. It might be the stupid redneck hair, it might be the Tony Montana tatt on his leg, or it might be that his erosion technique of wooing doesn’t work outside of Brentford. Persistence quite possibly pays off in some outer regions of West London, especially when you’re a sexy window fitter with tatts, but in the Big Brother house where everyone is so super-attractive that you could be watching Hollyoaks, he looks like a gargoyle at a Barbie and Ken party.
Lisa, meanwhile, has come to resemble David Beckham through the eyes of a very disturbing acid trip, Hira no longer bothers saying anything whatsoever – which is lucky, as her voice sounds like a gorilla playing a Moog – and Bea might yet stand for biiiitch, as she has taken to being a little bit slaggy-offy.
Siavash, as ever, is our number one.
Do not DARE cross this woman…
You can learn a lot from watching Big Brother. For example, just last night we learned that Beinazir looks a bit like Boy George during his early Culture Club days, but just as we were becoming dizzy with excitement about that, she was bundled onto a big red bus and driven the hell home. Voters, it seems, were not feeling her, which is a shame, because she seemed quite nice. She even allowed the strange Russian house guest quality time, which is surely akin to doing charity work. Good luck back on Civvy Street, Beinazir.
Elsewhere in the house, Siavash is beginning to resemble Che Guevara auditioning to play Dick Turpin, and the sickly-child-grown-up, Sophia, has taken serious issue with Saffia. For what, we’re not sure. She said something about them having the same name, or Saffia being a bitch. What we do know, however, is that Saffia is coming across very badly – like one of those thin-lipped office cows, who never smile, then spend the weekends becoming outrageously drunk on white wine, and pretending that they’re a bit like Bridget Jones really. They’re not. They’re nothing like Bridget Jones.
Last night also saw Sree – the kindly Indian man – morphing into a tearful young baby kitten, as he realised that he was up for a public vote. “I don’t want to lose my confidence,” he wept in the diary room, in a soft, childlike voice. And lo, thankfully, he survived the early vote. His confidence was alive and well, as he danced in front of the losers, shouting to the gods, praising his own brilliance. What wonderful, attractive confidence. Confidence that must never be destroyed. Might this be the same confidence that will help him steamroller his way through nightclubs in the not too distant future? Yeah, let’s hope he never loses that.
Oh, and everyone’s bisexual.