Interestment is going GLOBAL!
Some of you may need a little more than a few posts a day on the mighty Interestment, so there’s great news – we shall also be guest editing the wonderful grown up gossip site Hecklerspray all week long. Hence, should you find yourself tired of re-reading old lists, features and reports, simply pop over here to see how we’re getting on. There’s going to be showbiz stories galore!
Formerly Mr Frank Lampard…
It must be the worse kind of punch in the underpants to be dumped by Frank Lampard. You’ve bore him the fruits of his very small but elegant loins, you’ve ignored the sweaty mist that squirts from every handshake he enters into, and you’ve spent night after night enduring his laborious explanations about various goals that he almost scored for Chelsea. Some nights, you were duty-bound to receive his slobbering tongue kisses as well, as sweat dripped from his angular nose, landing directly onto your pupil, causing you to squeal, which he misinterpreted as delight. It was a tough time. Probably a horrible time. So no wonder Elen Rives – formerly fiancee to Lady Frank – is throwing herself into single life with verve and gusto. Just this week, various news desks have been left in a quivering silence after pictures turned up of Rives partying at the Mobos, with her womanly Spanish bosoms damn near escaping from her dress. Frank would never have allowed that, they’re thinking. And they’re probably right. Excellent work, Elen. You go girl… as they say.
Elsewhere in the serious world of celebrity, everyone is completely flipping out because girl band The Saturdays have decided to go on holiday, and Peaches Geldof went out and got really drunk in a bar that no one can honestly afford. She looks a bit pissed according to one investigative journalist.
This is a brave women… so they say
Most days celebrities will wake up and spend around two or three hours toning up their bodies, before calling a good stylist and a make up artist and demanding that they drop what they’re doing, come over, and make sure that they look suitably stunning for their trip to Waitrose. There, they will prove to the world that they do normal things, like shopping for food. Only, it’s really nice expensive food. Food that you can only dream of. On the way home, they will probably hurl the food out of the chauffeur driven car window into a dumpster, or onto the pavement. They don’t really need it, they’re off for another lunch on expenses at Ramsey’s place. That’s just how famous people live. So, it was met with an almighty gasp when pictures of Rachel Stevens and Sonia from Eastenders turned up on showbusiness desks this morning – neither of them wearing any make up. This daring move was embarked on for the latest issue of the celebrated Hollywood pamphlet Heat magazine, and the results of the shoot have left most of the celebrity press clutching their stomachs and complaining that they might have swine flu. One showbiz journalist in particular cannot believe how brave they are. Interestment does note, however, that they pretty much look the same as ever. In Sonia‘s case, slightly more beautiful.
In other shocking celebrity body alerts, it has been noticed that Madonna has got really weird arms, which appear gristly and strong, like a prisoner of war who passes the time oscillating between starving to death and doing press ups. Whilst the actress Anna Friel went to a polo match with a dress so plunging at the front that you could almost see her boobs.
One of these is a bisexual gentleman…
If you’ve managed even a few moments of this year’s excellent edition of Big Brother, you might have noticed that The Bisexual Club is growing faster than the ever-expanding oozing death machine in The Blob. Kids on Facebook have twigged that double-gender sex can at least double the friends list, while all the latest pop stars and actresses like to remind the world as often as possible that their sexual desires are so complex and far out that you may as well just call them bisexual and be done with it. It’s wild, and showbusiness offices all over the capital have come to resemble Turkish steam rooms, after hard day after hard day of breaking bisexuality news. The latest of which concerns Duncan from Blue, a pouting ice dancer who thought that he needed to come out and tell the world that he sometimes does it with men. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson saying that he might have once killed a woman. Duncan went on to explain that he still likes breasts, so girls are in with a crack too. One celebrity journalist in particular appeared to think that this was big news.
In other magnificent showbusiness news, Demi Moore (below with Cameron Diaz) has left swathes of highly paid reporters agog by wearing a bikini on holiday and not looking totally disgusting, even though she’s like 60 or something. And Cheryl Cole has completely humiliated herself by accidentally getting a smudge of lipstick on her teeth. Triple cringe!
Somehow this woman is still attractive…
Of course, the last couple of weeks have been rocked by Michael Jackson suddenly clutching his chest and bidding a final whimper, which was such a surprise that certain circles seem to be questioning whether the whole thing is real or not. Pretty soon, all funerals will surely feature an open coffin and sticks lined up so that the mourning families can poke the corpse first, just to make double sure. It’s been a strange time. But one that hasn’t affected Elle McPherson, by the looks of things, as she shocked one showbusiness reporter in particular by turning up at a sexy car launch looking like she hadn’t a care in the world, as she sashayed around in a saucy gold number. She’s gorgeous, notes the journalist, and yet she’s 46 years old – doesn’t that make her an old woman? Apparently, in this day and age, not.
Elsewhere in the shiny world of beautiful celebrities, the footballer Jermain Defoe has been warming his midnight onions on the soft thighs of Imogen Thomas (below with Aisleyne) – you know, the Welsh girl off Big Brother. The pair strode down the road clutching hands like young lovers do, which has left one celebrity journalist in particular convinced that this might be the real deal.
Woman wears blue dress in public…
Some people argue that clothes have a use-by date. For example, once a man hits the age where his disgusting bulbous gut can be seen from half a mile away, it might be time to ditch the skin tight T-shirts emblazoned with things like The Goonies, or Welcome to the Gun Show. Their time, sadly, has passed. The same can be said of women in their 60s wearing boob tubes, and men over 28 attempting to carry off those stupid beaded necklaces that Europeans enjoy so much. They’re awful. Those are just the facts. One solid fact recently obliterated, however, is that 39-year-old women called Heather Graham can’t wear sexy blue dresses, with a split all the way up the side, and still look fantastic on a red carpet at the opening of a film called The Hangover. She bloody well can, apparently. Something noted by showbusiness desks all over London as pictures flooded in, leaving one journalist in particular completely agog. A remarkable lady. Remarkable.
Elsewhere in the world of glorious celebrity news, everyone has gone into hiding because Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, and is presumably on the hunt for meaningless intercourse with someone semi-famous. And Rachel Stevens – of pop stardom and getting mugged fame – has left the house, brandishing a great big space on her wedding finger where a gorgeous engagement ring used to live. Damn those street kids, damn them. Here she is enjoying happier times…
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.