Yes, people saw everything… ie. nipple
Science is great, it teaches us everything we need to know about breathing oxygen in, and carbon dioxide out. Without it, we wouldn’t know that bubbling water equals hot water, so amongst many other great life lessons, it’s prevented lots of embarrassing burns related humiliations. Plus, more recently, science has brought to our attention exactly what happens when a flash camera comes into near-contact with a silky black top – it renders the flimsy blouse almost entirely see-through. Hence, the clever celebrities who read books and manuals now know to pop on an undergarment if they’re heading into a heavily policed paparazzi zone wearing a sexy little black number. But unfortunately, it appears that the mathletes in Girls Aloud don’t bother with education now that they’re famous, so when Nadine Coyle – the lead singer, and third most beautiful – decided to swan around LA in a black top minus a supportive bra, those with cameras were placed on full nipple alert. And bingo, the circular Irish private part has zipped around celebrity news desks, leaving one particular journalist guffawing into his large cappuccino, wondering whether she’s done the whole thing on purpose, so that people might take her seriously as a solo artist. An argument that would suggest that she does understand important scientific logic after all. Have we been wrong all along about these girls?
In other important celebrity news, one or two members of the high ranking showbiz press are astonished that Helena Bonham Carter opted to wear a certain red swimming costume on holiday, as they have issues with what the garment is doing to her figure, particularly around the buttock area. And over in sunny England, Mark Owen is making an honest man of himself by marrying his girlfriend.
Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
That’s right, this woman is at it again
For most of the human race, the beach is an intimidating landscape, where hundreds of judgmental eyes hidden beneath sunglasses study you top to foot, surveying your body for hiccups. Those Winter beers might have left a wobbling gut spilling over your swimming knickers, or perhaps your thighs have the consistency of three-day-old custard? You are, after all, a normal person. The good news is that around 93 per cent of people on the beach look much better covered up. But unfortunately, the remaining 7 per cent will leave a permanent smudge on the brain, with their taut, muscular, sensual bodies. Even their tan comes out even. 84 per cent of the 7 per cent work in the entertainment industry – be it as a stripper, an actress, a bodybuilder, a pop star, a stylist. And just this week, a host of pretty actresses have left showbusiness desks agog with their bikini bodies – particularly Jennifer Lopez. She’s 40 years old, declared one journalist in particular, and yet she still looks wonderful in her dinky red bikini. It’s her bum that made her famous, they continue, blissfully unaware that it was actually her singing, dancing and acting. Her bum was just a plump, happy coincidence.
Elsewhere in the celebrity world, Jessica Alba caused a stunned head-shaking silence when she took to a beach looking attractive and thin – even though she’s had a baby! Like, a few months ago! And Jack Nicholson made everyone barf by having a big blubbery stomach.
The word oozing down from showbiz desks like slime leaking from a dying monster’s mouth and eyes is that Jude Law has been busily enjoying unprotected sex again – this time with models. In particular, a model called Samantha Burke, who graciously accepted the inside of Law’s underpants whilst he was taking a break from filming Sherlock Holmes, the Guy Ritchie interpretation – which, we presume, will surely feature a whiskey soaked cockney voice over, some right tarts, and a slow motion punch up. In fact, it was probably called Sherlock Faackin’ ‘olmes, you Jaffa before the censors got to it. Anyway, that’s all by the by, the point is that Law’s now put a baby inside this pouting glamour puss, and she wants REVENGE! Or, more specifically, money. Celebrity journalists are pleased to note that the actor has agreed to hurl part of his fortune at the kid, and might even incorporate the thing into his actual family, which already features a small flock of future Peaches Geldofs that he had with Sadie Frost.
In other massive celebrity news, Cheryl Cole left the entire showbusiness world in a stunned silence when she arrived home for work looking a little bit tired, and Lily Allen – the one that sings about the little things in life, somehow mistaking laborious monotony for something remotely profound – made a cock of herself by parading around with silver circles around her eyes. Celebrity journalists have been overheard guffawing over that one, before sniffing up more lines of expensive talc and snogging each other. Just how they roll.
Madonna finally shows signs of ageing
Old Father Time is a cruel, white bearded man, possibly wearing a hat. We pretty much live by his rules, which dictate that we achieve our perfect body proportion for around two years in our late teens, and from then on in it’s a fierce battle to fool the world into thinking that you’re beautiful. Some of us dress cleverly, hiding our revolting blubbery guts behind flowing silk blouses, others head to the gym for a few hours every single day to burn off lunch, then turn breakfast into bulbous, vein-ridden muscles. It’s a game none of us can win. And yet, every day showbiz desks peppered all about the capital can be overheard squealing with delight at the sight of another victory for Old Father Time and his bludgeoning walking stick.
Only today, the withered elderly gent finally scored an important victory is his battle against Madonna, as she turned celebrity reporter’s stomachs with a set of bingo wings usually reserved for women in flowery dresses who spend the weekend scrubbing steps and swapping racist jokes with their neighbours. It’s a crushing defeat for the 50-year-old singer/dancer/adopter of many children, who will no doubt come out fighting with another book of nudes. Or a music video showcasing some pretty intense yoga sessions.
It’s not all bad news though, as some other withering flowers have come to a late blossom, as Jerry Hall – formerly of Mick Jagger wife fame (pictured) – took to a beach looking less like a 53-year-old former model, and more like a 46-year-old vegetarian. And 44-year-old Sandra Bullock has removed all of her clothes in a film without making anyone reel back with shock and start dry puking in the aisles. One showbiz reporter in particular assumes that such a story warrants a massive billing. Take THAT Old Father Time!
Woman wears blue dress in public…
Some people argue that clothes have a use-by date. For example, once a man hits the age where his disgusting bulbous gut can be seen from half a mile away, it might be time to ditch the skin tight T-shirts emblazoned with things like The Goonies, or Welcome to the Gun Show. Their time, sadly, has passed. The same can be said of women in their 60s wearing boob tubes, and men over 28 attempting to carry off those stupid beaded necklaces that Europeans enjoy so much. They’re awful. Those are just the facts. One solid fact recently obliterated, however, is that 39-year-old women called Heather Graham can’t wear sexy blue dresses, with a split all the way up the side, and still look fantastic on a red carpet at the opening of a film called The Hangover. She bloody well can, apparently. Something noted by showbusiness desks all over London as pictures flooded in, leaving one journalist in particular completely agog. A remarkable lady. Remarkable.
Elsewhere in the world of glorious celebrity news, everyone has gone into hiding because Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, and is presumably on the hunt for meaningless intercourse with someone semi-famous. And Rachel Stevens – of pop stardom and getting mugged fame – has left the house, brandishing a great big space on her wedding finger where a gorgeous engagement ring used to live. Damn those street kids, damn them. Here she is enjoying happier times…
Not just any old dots…
Anyone with two functioning eyes and a heart has probably been lamenting the demise of Polka Dots for the last few years. They used to be so popular with tearful housewives and young ravers. In fact, the macho street painter Seurat famously loved them so much that he’d use miniscule ones to create amazing images of people horsing around in parks (below). They were once voted the nation’s most beloved dot.
And now THEY’RE BACK, and they’ve become really popular with famous people. Just this week, Posh Spice was caught mounting a nice aeroplane wearing a great big spotty mackintosh. Each dot tirelessly crafted from the finest fashion hands money can afford. Then Julia Roberts – yes, Julia Roberts, the actress – took to a Hawaiian beach in a dotty bikini, showing off what has been described as her “beach body”. Not to be confused with her “indoors body”, which is all flabby and grotesque. Anyone who has seen these pictures will have noticed that she has a tattoo at the base of her spine reading “Henry, Hazel, Phinneaus” – her moving homage to The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.
In other Victoria Beckham (above) news, she is now the sensual half-naked body of an Armani campaign. Cynics are convinced that someone may have broken into the Armani HQ armed with an airbrush and really gone to town on her. Who could do such a thing? Some kind of body beautiful, airbrush sicko?
Plus Sarah Jessica Parker (above) has hired a surrogate bisexual rocker to carry her twins. As anyone with bisexual children already knows, she has nothing to worry about. It skips a generation.