Yeah, she was there, dressed A BIT like this…
If you didn’t realise, it was the Pride of Britain Awards yesterday – yeah we weren’t invited either. But, even so, there was a rather ironic turn out, for the most part made up of people who had featured on reality shows, plus a couple of slightly impressive sportsmen. Their job was to sit back and slow-hand-clap normal people. Not celebrities. Normal people. The kind of normal, everyday people who they wouldn’t slow down to watch if they were cowering under a flurry of legs in a roadside beatdown. The kind of normal people they would sneer at if they dared request an autograph without any cameras watching. The kind of beautiful, normal people who had done something worthy of an air kiss from Myleene Klass, because they’re blind, but not moaning about it. Or they’ve had a torrid time of things, but can still muster a smile. Good people. Good, normal people. Yes sir, it was quite a night… judging by the snaps.
The extremely poor man’s Posh and Becks, Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff, were there – looking like the kind of couple who might normally spend the evening thrashing around in a rage of angry intercourse. Peter Andre thought he’d bury his woes, and attend wearing a black suit, with a black shirt, and a black tie. Lineker turned up with Bux. JLS blew out Movida with Gaffney and Bowers for the night, in order to further enhance their career credentials by wearing shiny suits, with one of them sporting a dickie bow/neck ribbon that you might find on a 19th Century dandy. Whilst Ronan Keating thought fashion be damned, as he oozed up and down the red carpet, in conflicting outfits – a posh dinner jacket, leather trousers, and a t-shirt. The word on the street is that his first option was going to be a cricket jumper and swimming knickers. We got off lightly.
Also in attendance was Abbey Clancy – the recipient of Peter Crouch’s thin, lizard-like tongue prods – wearing a see-through dress, over the top of another dress, and Kelly Brook, Emma Bunton, and Cheryl Cole all turned up in little black numbers! Cringe! Vernon Kay was there with his dead-eyed wife, and Konnie Huq from Blue Peter rolled up, as she generally tends to. She likes a free party, that Konnie Huq.
In other important celebrity updates, there’s a rumour going around that Justin Timberlake‘s swift hamster-like hands have been frenziedly scuttling around another woman’s taut, impressive figure. His girlfriend in America (below) will not be happy. And Anton Du Beke made a racist comment, then immediately said sorry… two weeks later.
The Doors, Hello I Love You
Wowzers trousers, the week is hurtling along, we’re already at Thursday. Beautiful Thursday. Beautiful sexy Thursday. Site regulars will have packed an overnight bag, brimming with chocolate spread, rose petals, a couple of Kenny Loggins records, some Lynx, a tub of softening margarine, and about three condoms. It’s going to be a wild ride tonight, alright, make no mistake about that. To get you in the mood, here’s Jim Morrison and his pop group, The Doors, demonstrating just the right words to say to a stranger, if you want to have it off with them.
Not including this very popular whore…
It’s a common misconception that the selling of the human body for sex is the oldest job in the world – more of that later – but, even so, Hollywood has given prostitutes much more screen time than, say, bread manufacturers, or the people who make lucky horse shoes, or even the clever throbbing brains who design silencers for guns. How do they do that? It’s a gun, but it’s silent – weird. Anyway, with all of these actors playing women/men of the night in mind, we thought we’d list our favourite movie prostitutes of all time. Julia Roberts didn’t make the list for Pretty Woman, which might come as an almighty shock. You can find out why here…
1. Patricia Arquette, True Romance
Arquette’s finest moment comes as an inexperienced call-girl who turns up to a kung-fu film to sex up Christian Slater, because his kindly comic book shop boss thought it would make for a nice birthday gesture. In this instance, the pair fall in love, she comes off the game, then they embark on a wild journey with a suitcase of cocaine. However, in real life, were your employer to send you a birthday prostitute, chances are your story would be considerably different, possibly involving a very tearful next-morning shower, and a silent resignation.
2. Jon Voight, Midnight Cowboy
For just $20/night, back in the 1960s you could have scored an evening of massage, ointments and sweaty lunges with a muscular Texan called Joe Buck. Or, at least, that’s according to this movie. Jon Voight plays the young male stud-for-hire – a big man, who insists on swanning around New York dressed like he’s just come to town from lassoing cattle, and awkwardly sharing a tent with a couple of guys up on Brokeback Mountain who kept checking their watches every thirty seconds, practically reciting train timetables. What was their problem?
3. Jamie Lee Curtis, Trading Places
For many teenage boys growing up in the 1980s, Jamie Lee Curtis’ breasts have been branded on the underside of their eyelids, thanks to the moment in Trading Places where gets them out. Both of them. In that split second, all dismissive thoughts of her just being another cash-hungry hooker called Ophelia, trying to snare herself a rich “John” who used to be a city boy but is now a vagrant, vanished. Completely vanished. We didn’t judge her. She was a woman. We were a man. And by the end of the movie, she’s not even selling intercourse for money any more. Yay!
4. Richard Gere, American Gigolo
There’s a message in this film. It’s saying something along the lines of how being a gigolo might look fancy, cool and hilariously sexual at first, but really, once you scratch the surface, and remove the oily thighs and tiny underpants, you’re just setting yourself up to be framed for murder. Come on, think about it. You are. So next time you’re squeezing into a tight pair of trunks intent on wooing a sassy older woman, stop and think for a second. Consider what you’re doing. Is this going to end up with you going to prison for murdering someone you had sex with for money, but didn’t actual kill? It’s a messy business. Don’t be a proz, guys. Don’t be a proz.
5. Kim Basinger, LA Confidential
Yes, Kim Basinger did some pretty wild things in that 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke. They did it down a rainy alleyway at one point. And who could ever forget that scene where Mickey blindfolds his woman and raids the fridge, feeding her hot chillies, honey, a couple of mini scotch eggs, some leftover salmon, a steak bake, three swigs of Orangina, some cheese and onion Walkers, and a Rustler’s chicken burger? It was hot stuff. But it was also just a simple, tender expression of frenzied sexual passion from a couple of extremely horny adults. No money exchanged hands. Unlike in LA Confidential, where Basinger plays a kindly call girl mixed up in some very complicated police enquiries. As expected, she ends up with Russell Crowe, but not before having a quick one with Mike from Neighbours.
6. Rebecca De Mornay, Risky Business
While Elisabeth Shue was on around $500/hour in Leaving Las Vegas, Rebecca De Mornay was really feeling the pinch of the 1980s recession in Risky Business, where Tom Cruise was given the opportunity to dart around her body with his cat-like tongue for just $300 – for the WHOLE NIGHT. That equals at least two love makes with the future star of Top Gun. Over the course of the film, the pair – him a student, her a sex-for-money kind of gal – become friends, and eventually go into business, turning Cruise’s home into a brothel for the night. Making him the madam. Afterwards they do it on a train to celebrate. On the house!
7. Catherine Deneuve, Belle du Jour
As probably happens with so many bored housewives, Catherine Deneuve thought she’d spice up her day by going on the game during the afternoons. A sensible idea, you might think. Gets her out of the house. She’ll make new friends. But have you considered that some of those so-called friends might turn out to be weird stalky gangsters who end up shooting her husband and sending him into a coma? No you hadn’t. That’s what happens here. Or, at least, we think so. It’s all in bloody French.
8. River Phoenix, My Own Private Idaho
Ask anyone is the sex trade, and they will probably tell you that sleeping on the job is a bit of a no-no. Unless, they might continue, you’re a gay rent boy who looks exactly like River Phoenix. Then there might be room to make an exception. In this film, Phoenix plays a narcoleptic male trollop, who still seems to do pretty decent business, regardless that he can’t help falling to sleep when the nitty gritty starts. The whisper on the grapevine is that this film was based on Henry IV, Part One, by William Shakespeare. Yeah, didn’t really get that from the play, to be totally honest.
9. Kathleen Turner, Crimes of Passion
Like so many people working in the fashion industry, Kathleen Turner’s China Blue would wander the streets at night, blonde wig on, dressed like a hooker. Only, the clever twist here is that she wasn’t being subversive and ironic, she really was moonlighting as a nighttime prozzie! The soundtrack comes courtesy of Rick Wakeman and his magic synthesizer, and the film features a very harrowing death at the hands of a marital aid. On watching the film, any aspirations to grow up and become an escort pretty much vanished. For the most part.
10. Warren Beatty, The Roman Spring of Mrs Stone
In real life, Warren Beatty used to be legendary for his sexual hunger. He was even considered so vain, that he probably thought that famous song about being vain was about him. And here, he plays to type as a sexy young hooker making an old rich woman fall in love with him, even though he couldn’t give two monkey nuts about her feelings. Silly old crow. Cue lots of weeping, soul searching, and one very smug male prostitute lording it up in Italy.
11. Jane Fonda, Klute
Something about Jane Fonda’s voice could never quite sell her as a woman of the night. A street crawler. A floozy. It was an ill-fitting combination – that strong, educated vocal, and those small, clingy, prostitute outfits. It would provide a similar mind-freeze if Jordan opened her mouth to speak, and Gordon Brown’s rich Scottish textured voice came oozing out. Even so, Fonda still snagged an Oscar for her role as a wild sexual whirlwind helping Donald Sutherland track down a harlot killer. Hence The Academy was convinced. And they’d probably know.
12. Charlize Theron, Monster
Of course, on the flipside to movies like American Gigolo, where the creatures of the night don’t do any killing, here’s proof that some prostitutes can eventually develop a taste for blood. They graduate up from love bites, to frenchies, to gropes, to h-jays, to bee-joes, to the full shag. And then… to murder. It’s the story of a hideously withered old hooker called Aileen Wuornos, who decided to bring her paid-for sexual encounters to an almighty crescendo by getting stabby-stabby and shooty-shooty with her clients. It scooped a very surprising Oscar for Charlize Theron, who up until that point had only played parts that involved slowly walking towards a camera mouthing something about how beautiful she is.
13. Monica Bellucci, Malena
For those who didn’t realise, sex for money is an international trade. It’s not just an English-speaking fad. Some people even argue that it’s the oldest profession in the book, but those people are wrong. Everyone with a brain knows that much-needed recruitment consultants and celebrity journalists came first. Nitpicking aside, this is a sad tale that focusses on the downside of being a beautiful hooker, as Monica Bellucci becomes so lacking in funds that she has no choice but to entertain Nazi servicemen during the War, believing her husband to be dead. Only he isn’t! He’s totally alive. Cue rather awkward post-War conversations about what Monica got up to while he was away.
14. Paul Newman, Sweet Bird of Youth
Like so many sex workers, Paul Newman’s Chance Wayne just wanted to make it in showbusiness, then marry the love of his life. Instead he ended up working as a pool boy, which everyone knows is a euphemism for crack whore, and at one point he even gets really badly beaten up, just to hammer the point home that getting paid to do it with rich woman comes at a cost. Even if you look almost exactly like Paul Newman.
15. Elisabeth Shue, Leaving Las Vegas
As a rule of thumb, you’re going to get a lot of propositions from drunk guys if you go on the game – it’s the crazy fumes coming off that booze that’s making them feel all lightheaded and horny. And if they so happen to be drinking themselves to death in Las Vegas, you can bet your pretty little micro skirt and boob tube that they’ve got a pocketful of bread, sister. Something Elisabeth Shue – once spotted discussing log cabins with Tom Cruise in Cocktail – came to know pretty well, when she played a put-upon prostitute in Leaving Las Vegas, opposite Nicolas Cage, famous for being in The Rock, Con Air, and his part as “man in red sports car” in Never On Tuesday. Unfortunately, for those looking for an Ocean’s Eleven style Las Vegas romp, don’t bother – the only romps here seem to end with people crying.
16. Rob Schneider, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Of course, most of the movies so far have merely highlighted the downside of prostitution. But what about the good stuff? The laughs? The great jokes? The ridiculous amounts of slapstick opportunity? Not missing a trick, the celebrated American actor, Rob Schneider – famous for his near-continuous Billy Crystal impression – thought he’d latch on to the fun you could have if you were a man on the game. Here, his particular gigolo learns that sometimes women aren’t just demanding sex panthers, they are also real people. Real people, standing there with real insecurities, asking you to mock them. If they could just learn to laugh etc…
17. Jennifer Jason Leigh, Last Exit to Brooklyn
If a family member or a friend has expressed an interest in street walking, a wise move would be to sit them down in front of Last Exit to Brooklyn. They would learn two important life lessons. One would be to never sit down to watch Last Exit to Brooklyn ever again. And the other would be to throw away those fanciful notions of picking up Richard Gere and having one heck of a time teaching those po-faced shop assistants a thing or two about how to talk to a working prostitute, who is busily smearing her filthy hands all over their Versace dresses, being all hookerish. Here, Jennifer Jason Leigh puts in a great performance that we shall never see again. Ever.
18. Leonardo DiCaprio, The Basketball Diaries
Something we haven’t really touched on yet is the correlation between drug use and prostitution. One is often used to feed the other. It’s rare that you’ll find someone using drugs to feed their prostitution habit – although it does happen – but regularly, it’s the other way around. Such as in this film, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as a young man hooked on the dreaded horse, so much so that he’s taken to servicing slobbering elderly men in a nearby lavvy. He is saved by basketball… or something. We can’t really remember. Not the best film ever, that Basketball Diaries. He was better in Titanic, where he plays a non-prostitute having sex in cars for free.
19. Elizabeth Taylor, Butterfield 8
In modern tabloid-terms this is the story of Sophie Anderton – a cheerful young model who unwittingly finds herself basically being a call girl. The film came out in 1960, years before Pretty Woman made it great to be a hooker, so what starts with Liz Taylor swanning around town getting her groove on left, right and centre, ends with her dying in a terrible driving accident, involving a car, some unforeseen road works, and a broken whorish heart. The lesson here is not to be a prostitute. Or to pay more attention when your driving. One of the two.
20. Heather Graham, From Hell
To avoid becoming typecast after her role as a porn actress in Boogie Nights, Heather Graham took a part as a sassy prostitute in From Hell – a story about Johnny Depp channeling the voice of Ian Beale, whilst simultaneously attempting to decipher who Jack the Ripper might be. Graham plays Mary Kelly, a flame haired young street walker, who looks like she’s going to be on the Ripper‘s menu, but evades him at the last minute, when another girl gets it instead. Much to Johnny Depps utter relief and elation. Unfortunately, in real life, Mary Kelly wasn’t quite so lucky. So, a mixed message there.
Don’t freak out, this is merely an artistic impression…
The professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof, really knows how to pull in the punters. She’s got the tatts, she’s got the crazed celebrity lifestyle, and now she’s got the strange white face. By which we don’t mean racially white, but cosmetically white, as though she was attempting to go for the full Geisha or Celebrity Clown look, but then got bored, and went out anyway. Her gobsmacking new image received its first airing at some flashy clothes show at New York Fancy Dress Week, causing showbusiness desks all around the country to erupt with cruel, dispiriting laughter. “She looks totally stupid!” these sexy high-end journalists are guffawing into their takeaway cappuccinos, blissfully unaware that whenever they themselves leave the house in the morning in their poor man’s Sarah Jessica Parker outfits, entire mobs of street workers and passers-by have to physically stop themselves from tumbling to the ground and holding their stomachs to keep the laughter in. Still, she did look stupid, so these finger-on-the-pulse types might have a point.
Elsewhere in the intriguing world of celebrities, Kanye West has apologised for spoiling the MTV Awards – mainly because Barack Obama called him a cock in American. And Kim Kardashian – the US version of Peaches Geldof, but also famous for having a gargantuan bum – has left the entire planet speechless by losing a bit of meat from her notorious behind. Here’s a “before” shot…
This lady has gone WILD
Probably the best thing about being a celebrity is that you can wow people with a new look. Take David Beckham’s wife – every time she slides a toe out of her front door, all of the neighbours gather outside to see what she might be wearing today. It could be a dress, they whisper. Or might she have trousers on? Some are convinced that skirts are more her thing right now. And, yet, every single time, she blows our minds. In recent weeks, there have been sweepstakes suggesting that she might one day take to the streets in a set of baggy knickers and wellington boots. We live in hope. The latest famous lady to send shockwaves around the planet is Rachel Stevens – once of progressive rock group, S Club 7 – who thought she’d turn up to an awards do with curly hair! That’s right, curly hair! She’s never had curly hair before, insists on journalist in particular. Is she trying to copy someone else who she saw with curly hair? Should we all have curly hair now? Is this terrible news for people who manufacture hair straighteners? Is this ironic curly hair? Or serious curly hair? So many questions to answer, news desks have been left in a state of total panic. The rest of us have been calmly getting perms.
Elsewhere in the world, Kate Moss turned up at the same awards bash as Curly Sue up there, and was apparently very drunk for most of the show. None of this was helped, of course, by the free booze that was flowing… well, rather like champagne at an awards ceremony. And across town, the bearded pipe-smoking women who like to vote on the Mercury Music Prize decided that a young female rapper called Speech Debelle should be this year’s M People. Here she is…
Salma Hayek’s first TV commercial, 1988
It’s another one of those fantasy picnic days, with Jimmy Connors, Keanu Reeves and Lennox Lewis all gearing up for a conveyor belt of kisses and presents, followed by a very drunken evening nattering around a pub bench. But all of those beefcakes pale in comparison to the wonderful Salma Hayek – our number one beautiful 40-something – who turns 41 today. We simply had to get her a gift, so we sat in a triangle, whispering ideas, until it boiled down to a toss up between a collection of badges, or a video of an advert she made over 20 years ago. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Hayek!
Some very established ones didn’t make it…
Time was when Hollywood actresses had the choice of three different roles: a wise cracking maid, a borderline prostitute, or a put upon wife weeping by the sink. Their job was to make the men look heroic, or virile, or – in some cases – heterosexual. It wasn’t a great time to be a woman. But then we killed the Nazis, and everything changed. Suddenly women were granted permission to wear trousers in public, and their film roles began to slowly diversify, opening doors for beautiful thespians to branch out and play angry maids, hilarious prostitutes, and wives still standing by the sink, but NOT weeping. And now that Barack Obama has been crowned King of The World, who knows what might happen next? What we do know, however, is that the four greatest ever actresses might look something like this…
1. Kathleen Turner
As enormous fans of the 1980s film noir, Body Heat, it was always going to be Kathleen Turner at the top spot. Magnificently sexy in her early roles – Body Heat, Romancing the Stone, The Man with Two Brains, Prizzi’s Honour – she was the human embodiment of an iron fist in a velvet glove, what with her lovely glistening body mixed with some mightily impressive acting chops. She went on to be the voice of Jessica Rabbit – the sexiest cartoon woman of them all – and then it all went a bit Pete Rubbish, culminating in a role as Chandler‘s DAD in Friends. By then, however, the legend had been cemented.
2. Jane Fonda
Jane Fonda makes the list for just two films – Barbarella and Klute. One an intergalactic sex romp, the other a hard hitting thriller, where she plays a New York hooker. Both marvelous movies. She also made big waves in films like Coming Home, Barefoot in The Park, and On Golden Pond, but we’ll forever doff our collective caps to the two aforementioned, and her fantastic charity work for the aerobics community.
3. Sigourney Weaver
Weaver is the tough cookie in the pack, with a face as sharp and angular as a bag of knives, and one of the sternest speaking voices in history. She starred in Alien, Aliens, and Ghost Busters – films that would probably all make an Interestment Top 20 – and we even quite liked her in the rather pretentious Ang Lee droner, The Ice Storm. On the downside, she turned down a role in The Terminator. Bad move, Weaver. But still our number three.
4. Scarlett Johansson
Yes, you’re right, Johansson is not a particularly good actress, and her films, for the most part, have been utter dross. But what we like about her is her Hollywood glamour, which harks back to greats gone by, and suggests that she might carve out a decent career yet. She’s a bit like Mia Farrow crossed with Marilyn Monroe. Basically, she’s really good looking.
Better than Burke? According to us, yes…
For those of you still hungry for juicy meat, we have been writing odds and ends for the excellent grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week we decided to take a serious look at X Factor down the ages, and we realised that EVERY SINGLE YEAR the wrong contestant has won. See who we’d pin the Interestment rosette on, were it our call, here.
For those who like laughing at brilliant stand up comics, don’t forget about the Interestment Comedy Night, which already has a line up of about ten or so very funny comedy types, as well as some wonderful music from a couple of sexy DJ’s.
Celebrity in cocaine shocker!
It’s hard to accept it when someone you love is a drug addict. You can live in total denial, convinced that their gigantic pupils and open conversations with an invisible koala bear are just hilarious dinner party jokes – they’re being quirky. Or you might explain their overlong livid spider monkey impression as a strange side effect of drinking too much tea. It’s only when they appear on the front page of a national newspaper shoveling Tony Montana size dollops of cocaine into their withered nostrils that you finally accept it that, yes, they might have occasionally been dabbling with drugs. Hence, there was a resigned silence smothering big celebrity news desks this week when Kerry Katona was finally caught with her metaphorical pants down having a nose up. One showbusiness journalist in particular can’t quite believe that the mother-of-some has been piling herself with narcotics, and then denying it. How could she lie to us? Surely drug users should be more open? Some might argue that by constantly appearing on television with her bottom lip desperately gnawing her top lip, she didn’t really need to spell it out. Massive sectors of the celebrity world have been so upset by Kerry’s demise that they’ve been overheard sniffing in nightclub toilets, obviously doing their crying in private. Sometimes in groups of two or three.
In other showbiz news, Amy Winehouse has left the entire planet agog by having little blobs of white spattered about HER nose. And, in non-drug-related news, Kanye West has got a new girlfriend (below), and she’s really pretty. If a bit bald.
Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
One very excellent film just missed out…
Critics seem to have a strange relationship with Quentin Tarantino, and his latest film, Inglorious Basterds, already looks to have split opinions right down the middle. But here in the gigantic Interestment offices which overlook a lake, we love him. He literally hasn’t made a bad film, nor has he fallen into the trap of making the same kind of movie over and over again. Jackie Brown received lukewarm reviews for not being anything like Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill hardly set anyone’s trousers alight – except ours. And Death Proof was entirely panned, but, honestly, it’s an excellent film, as any fan of old exploitation/slasher movies will attest to. He’s a master of any genre he deems worthy of a toe-dip, so with that in mind, we spent hours sifting through footage to find the four scenes that wholly befit our devotion. It was a tough process…
1. Pulp Fiction, Breakfast Scene
No doubt about it, Pulp Fiction is his masterpiece, so coming up with a single scene was emotional. The Christopher Walken “watch” monologue very nearly made the cut, as did the opening diner scene, the drugs overdose, and Harvey Keitel as The Wolf. But in the end, we simply had to go with Samuel L Jackson’s finest cinematic hour, as two heavies set about scaring the hell out of some very nerdy criminals eating a fast food breakfast. WARNING: contains scripture.
2. Kill Bill, The Bride versus Crazy 88’s
A fantastic martial arts epic, Kill Bill was another with plenty of scenes to choose from, pretty much all of them extremely violent. The final fight with Bill himself – who recently died in a weird penis-related incident – just missed out, as we went for her blood-soaked frenzy against the Crazy 88 instead. It’s almost impossible to watch without whooping.
3. Death Proof, Lapdance and Crash
For those yet to see it, watch Death Proof. It’s all there – a slow build up of tension, sudden gory deaths, a magnificent car chase, Kurt Russell putting in one of his all-time great performances – which is saying a lot for the man who was in The Thing and Escape from New York. Plus this, the wonderfully hip, yet slightly creepy lapdance scene, followed by exactly what-happened-next.
4. Jackie Brown, Intro
Tarantino is the master of the title sequence, and it was a seriously close call coming up with our favourite. Reservoir Dogs‘ slow-walk-brick-wall intro was literally pipped at the last second by the airport arrival in Jackie Brown. And for one reason only – Bobby Womack. Great song, supercool opening, the legendary Pam Grier. The film promises much, and delivers!
Reservoir Dogs Trailer
Known only as “The Pack”…
There’s nothing like being in a tough street gang. Some define themselves by using violence, some by wearing the same clothes. Others define themselves by music, specifically hard beats and aggressive raps. Above is an example of Option Three.
(Courtesy of Sexy People)
See what we had to say about this woman…
For those still craving words and opinions, we have been doing odds and ends for the fantastic grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week, we decided to take a microscope out of our pocket and examine some absolutely gorgeous older women, including Cindy Crawford, Jennifer Lopez, Sadie bloody Frost, and someone called The Body. Read all about that here.
If you like laughing at things, and people telling funny jokes, then you might be interested to know that the first Interestment comedy night is taking place in South London on September 4th. It promises an excellent line up of new up-and-coming comedians upstairs, and a couple of very withered old DJs playing soul, funk and rap records downstairs. Come along! It’s only three quid or something. More about that here.
Bill Withers, Use Me
Yes, it’s happened again, Thursday has come around directly after Wednesday. Site regulars will already have prepared for the day, perhaps by packing an extra overnight bag to take into the office, crammed with squeezable honey, a couple of Kenny G albums, probably some dry rose petals. A lot of condoms. It is, after all, the most sexy day of the week, which we always like to honour with a good song. And they don’t come much better than this Bill Withers classic, which tells the story of a horny young gentleman enjoying whatever sensual scraps a right royal bitch deems to throw at him.
Judging a talent show…
Yes, drink it in. Drink in the big tasty mug of sweet sweet irony. Victoria Beckham is judging a talent show – specifically American Idol. It’s the equivalent of Satan presenting Crimewatch. It all comes in the wake of Paula Abdul’s withdrawal from the judging panel, which is actually a great shame for the show. Part of the joy of watching American Idol came from witnessing words fall from Paula’s mouth at random, rarely forming actual sentences, and definitely never making sense. It was probably the American Idol judging equivalent of letting a toddler loose on your computer keyboard and seeing what happens. One journalist in particular seems convinced that Posh Spice will only appear as a guest judge, before going back to doing what she does best… erm. Whatever that might be.
Elsewhere in the sensual world of celebrities, showbusiness trousers have been seriously tightened by pictures of Cindy Crawford – a very old woman (below, plus bottom) – draped over a yacht wearing a bikini. Britney is further proving her sanity by not shaving all of her hair off, and barking at people. And Guy Ritchie – the man who puts the “oi oi” in “hoity toity” – is enjoying big celebrity business at his proper cockney boozer. That’s in Mayfair.
Small Faces, Hey Girl
Regulars to the site will have pre-prepared for today, it being the official day of sensuality and lustiness. They might have packed a spare pair of underpants in with their packed lunch, a few candles, some rose petals, a flask of oysters. Perhaps they’re off to the pictures later with a young Doris from accounts? After that they might enjoy a nice fish supper before getting a leg-over down by the canal. That’s probably how the above young smoothies did it back in the olden times.
That’s right, this woman is at it again
For most of the human race, the beach is an intimidating landscape, where hundreds of judgmental eyes hidden beneath sunglasses study you top to foot, surveying your body for hiccups. Those Winter beers might have left a wobbling gut spilling over your swimming knickers, or perhaps your thighs have the consistency of three-day-old custard? You are, after all, a normal person. The good news is that around 93 per cent of people on the beach look much better covered up. But unfortunately, the remaining 7 per cent will leave a permanent smudge on the brain, with their taut, muscular, sensual bodies. Even their tan comes out even. 84 per cent of the 7 per cent work in the entertainment industry – be it as a stripper, an actress, a bodybuilder, a pop star, a stylist. And just this week, a host of pretty actresses have left showbusiness desks agog with their bikini bodies – particularly Jennifer Lopez. She’s 40 years old, declared one journalist in particular, and yet she still looks wonderful in her dinky red bikini. It’s her bum that made her famous, they continue, blissfully unaware that it was actually her singing, dancing and acting. Her bum was just a plump, happy coincidence.
Elsewhere in the celebrity world, Jessica Alba caused a stunned head-shaking silence when she took to a beach looking attractive and thin – even though she’s had a baby! Like, a few months ago! And Jack Nicholson made everyone barf by having a big blubbery stomach.
The word oozing down from showbiz desks like slime leaking from a dying monster’s mouth and eyes is that Jude Law has been busily enjoying unprotected sex again – this time with models. In particular, a model called Samantha Burke, who graciously accepted the inside of Law’s underpants whilst he was taking a break from filming Sherlock Holmes, the Guy Ritchie interpretation – which, we presume, will surely feature a whiskey soaked cockney voice over, some right tarts, and a slow motion punch up. In fact, it was probably called Sherlock Faackin’ ‘olmes, you Jaffa before the censors got to it. Anyway, that’s all by the by, the point is that Law’s now put a baby inside this pouting glamour puss, and she wants REVENGE! Or, more specifically, money. Celebrity journalists are pleased to note that the actor has agreed to hurl part of his fortune at the kid, and might even incorporate the thing into his actual family, which already features a small flock of future Peaches Geldofs that he had with Sadie Frost.
In other massive celebrity news, Cheryl Cole left the entire showbusiness world in a stunned silence when she arrived home for work looking a little bit tired, and Lily Allen – the one that sings about the little things in life, somehow mistaking laborious monotony for something remotely profound – made a cock of herself by parading around with silver circles around her eyes. Celebrity journalists have been overheard guffawing over that one, before sniffing up more lines of expensive talc and snogging each other. Just how they roll.
Lee McDonald, We’ve Only Just Begun
And so it was that another Thursday rolled around, and the people did smear great big dripping handfuls of baby oil and honey into one another’s thighs, buttocks, and ‘pon the gentlewoman’s soft pale ankles. Twas, after all, the day when moons of lustiness shone bright, hence tongues not only for the speaking. Which basically means everyone did it. Excellent. Above, the barely-known-but-magnificent soul singer Lee McDonald reinterprets The Carpenters.
This is a brave women… so they say
Most days celebrities will wake up and spend around two or three hours toning up their bodies, before calling a good stylist and a make up artist and demanding that they drop what they’re doing, come over, and make sure that they look suitably stunning for their trip to Waitrose. There, they will prove to the world that they do normal things, like shopping for food. Only, it’s really nice expensive food. Food that you can only dream of. On the way home, they will probably hurl the food out of the chauffeur driven car window into a dumpster, or onto the pavement. They don’t really need it, they’re off for another lunch on expenses at Ramsey’s place. That’s just how famous people live. So, it was met with an almighty gasp when pictures of Rachel Stevens and Sonia from Eastenders turned up on showbusiness desks this morning – neither of them wearing any make up. This daring move was embarked on for the latest issue of the celebrated Hollywood pamphlet Heat magazine, and the results of the shoot have left most of the celebrity press clutching their stomachs and complaining that they might have swine flu. One showbiz journalist in particular cannot believe how brave they are. Interestment does note, however, that they pretty much look the same as ever. In Sonia‘s case, slightly more beautiful.
In other shocking celebrity body alerts, it has been noticed that Madonna has got really weird arms, which appear gristly and strong, like a prisoner of war who passes the time oscillating between starving to death and doing press ups. Whilst the actress Anna Friel went to a polo match with a dress so plunging at the front that you could almost see her boobs.
What’s interesting about this birthday girl?
For those of you who like reading about famous people, we have been doing odds and ends for the wonderful grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week, we thought we’d cast a very judgmental eye over some beautiful celebrities (including Jennifer Lopez) who choose to settle down with rather unattractive young men. See what we had to say here.
In other exciting news, you can now follow us on Twitter by clicking on the little bird in the top right of your screen, or you can follow us on Facebook, and – AND ! – we’ve only recently launched Interestment Television, which will be growing and growing over the coming weeks and months. Plus, in super exciting news, there is an Interestment music and comedy night in the pipeline, much more on that to come….
Darth Vader feels the Blues
For those of you wondering, Jennifer Lopez is 39 today, which means that it’s her birthday. Hence she’ll be much more demanding than usual – the staff will have to divert their eyes as they hand over their presents, all drinks will be served at a few degrees short of room temperature, and Tom Cruise and his beer swilling buddies will be over later to bust through a few cans and dance around to house music. That’s just how they do things in Hollywood. That’s the birthday vibe. So we thought we’d get her a gift, and after exactly nineteen minutes of very half-hearted conversation, it boiled down to a toss up between some of those wonder-knickers that make your bum look bigger, or a clip of Darth Vader that over three million people appear to have enjoyed, but we’d never once come across. That’s right, we’re pretty with it. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Your Lopezness!
Jodeci, Freek’n You
“Every time I close my eyes I wake up feeling so horny” sing Jodeci, really catching the mood of a proper Thursday – the official day of freeking each other. You might notice some people in the office refusing to blink. That’s just their way of staving off the horniness until the evening. But, if you’re anything like us, you’ll already be dimming the lights, unzipping your trousers to allow a mellow breeze to dance around your groin, and mouthing along to this sexed up R&B rubdown.
Man still likes women…
Society is a very strange place, awash with weirdos with a very skew-if way of looking at things. The oddest groups are the ones who take some kind of virtue from being mean to people’s faces, because at least they’re not saying it behind their backs. Now, call us a bunch of sissies, but we’d rather be hated in private, thanks. That way we can bounce around on the day-to-day, naively convinced that everyone thinks we’re brilliant. We say all this with reference to Jade Goody, who was very much a say-it-to-your-face kind of gal, and who recently died from the dreaded cancer. She was certainly a big part of this strange skew-if society, as is her widowed husband Jack Tweed, who has been infuriating showbiz desks all around the country by repeatedly getting caught out and about having the time of his life with glamour girls. A hunch suggests that he might have misheard some good advice about “getting back on the whores”, but one journalist in particular seems pleased that Jack at least had the decency to cry after banging that glamour model when he was drunk.
In other important celebrity news The Cheeky Girls are still making music, and Annalynn McCord (pictured), the star of 90210, has demonstrated that sometimes life really can imitate art by enjoying a Malibu beach party for her birthday. Needless to say, showbiz desks have been left totally agog by this.