This lady has gone WILD
Probably the best thing about being a celebrity is that you can wow people with a new look. Take David Beckham’s wife – every time she slides a toe out of her front door, all of the neighbours gather outside to see what she might be wearing today. It could be a dress, they whisper. Or might she have trousers on? Some are convinced that skirts are more her thing right now. And, yet, every single time, she blows our minds. In recent weeks, there have been sweepstakes suggesting that she might one day take to the streets in a set of baggy knickers and wellington boots. We live in hope. The latest famous lady to send shockwaves around the planet is Rachel Stevens – once of progressive rock group, S Club 7 – who thought she’d turn up to an awards do with curly hair! That’s right, curly hair! She’s never had curly hair before, insists on journalist in particular. Is she trying to copy someone else who she saw with curly hair? Should we all have curly hair now? Is this terrible news for people who manufacture hair straighteners? Is this ironic curly hair? Or serious curly hair? So many questions to answer, news desks have been left in a state of total panic. The rest of us have been calmly getting perms.
Elsewhere in the world, Kate Moss turned up at the same awards bash as Curly Sue up there, and was apparently very drunk for most of the show. None of this was helped, of course, by the free booze that was flowing… well, rather like champagne at an awards ceremony. And across town, the bearded pipe-smoking women who like to vote on the Mercury Music Prize decided that a young female rapper called Speech Debelle should be this year’s M People. Here she is…
This is a brave women… so they say
Most days celebrities will wake up and spend around two or three hours toning up their bodies, before calling a good stylist and a make up artist and demanding that they drop what they’re doing, come over, and make sure that they look suitably stunning for their trip to Waitrose. There, they will prove to the world that they do normal things, like shopping for food. Only, it’s really nice expensive food. Food that you can only dream of. On the way home, they will probably hurl the food out of the chauffeur driven car window into a dumpster, or onto the pavement. They don’t really need it, they’re off for another lunch on expenses at Ramsey’s place. That’s just how famous people live. So, it was met with an almighty gasp when pictures of Rachel Stevens and Sonia from Eastenders turned up on showbusiness desks this morning – neither of them wearing any make up. This daring move was embarked on for the latest issue of the celebrated Hollywood pamphlet Heat magazine, and the results of the shoot have left most of the celebrity press clutching their stomachs and complaining that they might have swine flu. One showbiz journalist in particular cannot believe how brave they are. Interestment does note, however, that they pretty much look the same as ever. In Sonia‘s case, slightly more beautiful.
In other shocking celebrity body alerts, it has been noticed that Madonna has got really weird arms, which appear gristly and strong, like a prisoner of war who passes the time oscillating between starving to death and doing press ups. Whilst the actress Anna Friel went to a polo match with a dress so plunging at the front that you could almost see her boobs.
Woman wears blue dress in public…
Some people argue that clothes have a use-by date. For example, once a man hits the age where his disgusting bulbous gut can be seen from half a mile away, it might be time to ditch the skin tight T-shirts emblazoned with things like The Goonies, or Welcome to the Gun Show. Their time, sadly, has passed. The same can be said of women in their 60s wearing boob tubes, and men over 28 attempting to carry off those stupid beaded necklaces that Europeans enjoy so much. They’re awful. Those are just the facts. One solid fact recently obliterated, however, is that 39-year-old women called Heather Graham can’t wear sexy blue dresses, with a split all the way up the side, and still look fantastic on a red carpet at the opening of a film called The Hangover. She bloody well can, apparently. Something noted by showbusiness desks all over London as pictures flooded in, leaving one journalist in particular completely agog. A remarkable lady. Remarkable.
Elsewhere in the world of glorious celebrity news, everyone has gone into hiding because Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, and is presumably on the hunt for meaningless intercourse with someone semi-famous. And Rachel Stevens – of pop stardom and getting mugged fame – has left the house, brandishing a great big space on her wedding finger where a gorgeous engagement ring used to live. Damn those street kids, damn them. Here she is enjoying happier times…
Greg Wilson on The Tube, 1983
For those scratching their heads, convinced this is some kind of weird April Fool, Hannah Spearitt is famous – she was the third best looking girl in S Club 7, the last one being that awful racist from the infamous series of Celebrity Big Brother, where everyone went all National Front to get the country talking about issues. Anyway, yes, she’s 27 today, so we thought we should get her a gift. We popped on some jim-jams, had a sexy pillow fight, then talked about what we should get. Half the lads wanted to get her some really excellent flip-flops for sunbathing season, while the rest of us insisted on a brilliant clip starring Jools Holland and electro legend Greg Wilson. In the end we got her both. Happy etc… Spearitt!