Somehow, no place for this guy…
It’s always a pleasure to bring another keen, lively mind into the Interestment family, so give new boy Eliot a fashionable welcome – paying particular attention to his fizzing wit and football brain. He will be talking through his team of the weekend every single Monday from now until the end of time. Or, indeed, the end of the season. His first eleven looks like this:
Goalkeeper, Shaquille O’Neal
Basketball. One team goes up the school hall and the tall chap places the ball over-aggressively in a hoop. The opposing team does the same. Repeat until adverts. US sports are so tiresome, hence it’s no surprise that Shaq O’Neal celebrates his rather perfunctory penalty save in a manner more befitting Gordon Banks tipping Pele’s header over the bar. Well done Shaq – have a biscuit.
Right Back, Elvis Alves Pereira
Like finding out that not all Frenchmen are great lovers and not all Scousers claim dole, here is a Brazilian shattering some lazy stereotypes by being rubbish at football.
Left Back, Hrvoje Čale
In line with other leagues in Europe which don’t have Manchester United in them, the Turkish league is being led by an unfancied side, the “Black Sea Storm” themselves, Trabzonspor. As part of their all-conquering antics, a different player dances at the end of their side’s league victories, and this week, it was the turn of the young Croatian left-back to lead the way. Ah, that fun-loving Turkish football culture.
Centre-Back, Julien Feret
Here’s the Nancy defender pulling a goal back against PSG. John Terry probably can’t do this. Bloody English clogger defenders put to shame once more by sophisticated ball-playing continental counterparts. Where to guv?
Centre-Back, John Terry
Whats that you say? John Terry volleying in from 25 yards on Saturday? Better than Feret you say? Ah…
Right Midfield, Cristiano Ronaldo
Old Ronnie is a regular in these sort of weekly elevens, and has seen trinklets rain down on him for all manner of ways in which he gets a ball from A to B, despite a wall (let’s call it C) being cunningly placed in his way. But not this week. We at Interestment dont know if Aesop’s Fables ever managed to crack the tough children’s literature market in Portugal but it’s safe to say copies were not so prevalent in the Ronaldo family.
Having spent the best part of six years diving to win penalties, and generally being a wily cheat, Ronaldo’s first ever genuine shout for a spot-kick was waved away on Sunday afternoon by Chris Hoy, who only heard the word “Wolf” whilst around him United players cried “Penalty!!!” As Aesop had already forewarned us all – “Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, but then perish when he tells the truth.” In other words, Ronaldo should count himself lucky he only got a yellow card.
Centre Midfield, Ricardo Gardner
Gardner would be in Garth Crooks’ team of the week for scoring a lovely winner with only his second touch against Newcastle. He’s in our team of the week for releasing a reggae track under the name “Bibi”. Because, kids, that’s how we roll.
Centre Midfield, El-Hadji Diouf
If you’ve ever wanted to hear a man who has scored in the world cup say, “If I’m not a footballer, I shag your mum every fucking single day,” step this way. That’s all of you then.
Left Midfield, Francis Lee
Thanks to Barry Davies, this man was the first to make the beautiful game interesting.
Striker, Giuseppe Mascara
When the world of online football eventually begins to run out of ideas, websites will produce comedy elevens, such as teams composed of players called Fred, and teams of players who didnt quite make the grade at Portsmouth. Well here’s one for the team of players whose name sounds like make-up, he being Giuseppe Mascara, captured here scoring a screamer for Catania at the weekend. Football365 circa 2011, you can thank us later.
Striker, Gary Hunter
You’re a Morecambe fan who has shlepped to Grimsby, it’s 2-2 on a freezing Tuesday night by the sea. It smells of fish, the people around you smell of fish, you probably smell of fish by now. The wife has left dinner in the oven, which only goes to confirm those suspicions you had about her playing away. But then this happens, and one is reminded why we bother with the fickle mistress that is football. Twiss with the corner, Hunter does the rest.
Football by day, glamourous frock maker by night
Football and fashion have always maintained an awkward relationship. For every stylish gesture from players like Becksie, Cisse, and The Redknapp Family, you get Paul Scholes wearing a jumper from Millets, or Jamie Carragher in his training kit at a Royal Gala event. It’s totally confused, so thank goodness for the arrival of Andrei Arshavin, Arsenal’s newest signing. The word on the street is that the Russian isn’t just a fantastic football player, he’s also an absolutely excellent fashion designer, having studied frocks and cocktail dresses at university. So expect to see Wenger, Fabregas and the rest of the guys kitted out in fine silk scarves and winkle pickers before the season is out. Chelsea FC, it’s time to up your fashion game. That means you Lampsie, you JT, you Drog Drog, you The Cole Sisters, you Dexy, you Nelksie Face etc…
Up yours, Mr Likable!
Lineker has what doctors would call a good bedside manner. He’s calm, occasionally witty, and capable of wooing women who wouldn’t usually list “a child’s face” or “bulbous ears” on their ideal man wants list. He was also a very good footballer, which stands him in good stead with the beer swilling sector of society – the one where all the fights happen. It’s not that we don’t like him. He is a little bit smarmy for our tastes, and Adrian Chiles probably does a better job of anchoring on Match of The Day 2, but our real beef with Gary stems from how his impressive media job has affected the nature of a post-football career. Essentially, we’re blaming him for Alan Shearer.