Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
Judging a talent show…
Yes, drink it in. Drink in the big tasty mug of sweet sweet irony. Victoria Beckham is judging a talent show – specifically American Idol. It’s the equivalent of Satan presenting Crimewatch. It all comes in the wake of Paula Abdul’s withdrawal from the judging panel, which is actually a great shame for the show. Part of the joy of watching American Idol came from witnessing words fall from Paula’s mouth at random, rarely forming actual sentences, and definitely never making sense. It was probably the American Idol judging equivalent of letting a toddler loose on your computer keyboard and seeing what happens. One journalist in particular seems convinced that Posh Spice will only appear as a guest judge, before going back to doing what she does best… erm. Whatever that might be.
Elsewhere in the sensual world of celebrities, showbusiness trousers have been seriously tightened by pictures of Cindy Crawford – a very old woman (below, plus bottom) – draped over a yacht wearing a bikini. Britney is further proving her sanity by not shaving all of her hair off, and barking at people. And Guy Ritchie – the man who puts the “oi oi” in “hoity toity” – is enjoying big celebrity business at his proper cockney boozer. That’s in Mayfair.
More shocking showbiz news
If you’re braving public transport this evening, prepare for an awkward, stunned silence. Kelly Brook has been photographed, on a film set, in a bikini. A bikini so shiny and red that King Cedric the Shiny would have definitely worn it when he was King of Russia, way back when. Before the whole revolution. It’s that shiny. Showbusiness desks have been quivering under the weight of such magnificent photographs, although one showbiz journalist in particular is appalled to see that they also feature a young American actress called Riley Steele, who has starred in all kinds of dirty films. What kind of people is Brook hanging out with now?
Elsewhere in the world, Posh Spice has blown everyone’s minds by turning up at an airport wearing a very savoury dinner jacket with some Daisy Duke style hot pants. Was she confused when she got dressed this morning? Or should we all be doing this now? Big throbbing showbiz minds are still discussing this with screaming fashion circles. We will get to the bottom of it. Plus Yasmina from The Apprentice is now the actual apprentice. Not stroke face Kate, who we thought was going to win.
Not just any old dots…
Anyone with two functioning eyes and a heart has probably been lamenting the demise of Polka Dots for the last few years. They used to be so popular with tearful housewives and young ravers. In fact, the macho street painter Seurat famously loved them so much that he’d use miniscule ones to create amazing images of people horsing around in parks (below). They were once voted the nation’s most beloved dot.
And now THEY’RE BACK, and they’ve become really popular with famous people. Just this week, Posh Spice was caught mounting a nice aeroplane wearing a great big spotty mackintosh. Each dot tirelessly crafted from the finest fashion hands money can afford. Then Julia Roberts – yes, Julia Roberts, the actress – took to a Hawaiian beach in a dotty bikini, showing off what has been described as her “beach body”. Not to be confused with her “indoors body”, which is all flabby and grotesque. Anyone who has seen these pictures will have noticed that she has a tattoo at the base of her spine reading “Henry, Hazel, Phinneaus” – her moving homage to The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.
In other Victoria Beckham (above) news, she is now the sensual half-naked body of an Armani campaign. Cynics are convinced that someone may have broken into the Armani HQ armed with an airbrush and really gone to town on her. Who could do such a thing? Some kind of body beautiful, airbrush sicko?
Plus Sarah Jessica Parker (above) has hired a surrogate bisexual rocker to carry her twins. As anyone with bisexual children already knows, she has nothing to worry about. It skips a generation.
Janis Joplin, The Dick Cavett Show
And so Posh Spice – Mrs David Beckham – turns 35 today, and she will presumably find a quiet corner where she can reflect on her achievements. She made up a non-singing fifth of the world’s most magnificent nightmare, The Spice Girls, and then she spawned a super-race now known universally as the WAGs – you’ve seen them, with their ironed hair, and their plastic credit cards, loudly demanding salads. No doubt, she will one day add the final insult by joining the Cruises in their quest to vanquish the lizards that lurk deep in our souls. But until then, we still kneel in the presence, so we thought we should get her a gift. In a heated bar discussion, it all boiled down to a toss up between a Tron poster, or a brilliant clip of the marvelous Dick Cavett interviewing one of the world’s actual female superstars. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Victoria!