From this to Big Brother…
It’s probably been a hectic day in the Big Brother house, as the housemates (or non-housemates) continue to circle one another, constantly reintroducing themselves, and making the same joke about how terrible with names they are. Eventually, that line of conversation will become tired, and they will be forced to move onto more fascinating topics, like which celebrities they might have met on their many nights out in fashionable London clubs. Blonde 1 and Blonde 2 might even enjoy a sudden bonding moment when they both chance upon common ground when casually mentioning a Dane Bowers/Dean Gaffney sandwich in Movida. Great times.
Whether that happens or not, some of the inmates have started to hint at their alterior motives for undertaking such a rash life decision. In the least shocking turn of events of Day One, Sophie – the busty girl bound for the Nuts cover – has caused a ripple in the popular showbiz press by removing her outer clothing, to reveal a set of underpants, and one very unhappy bra. While Lisa, the ferocious lesbian with an actual tattoo on her head, has been overheard talking about her ex, claiming that she let the girl of her dreams slip through her fingers. Lisa, would a simple phone call not have been better? It’s your life, but COME ON.
Elsewhere in the house, the guy from Teen Wolf has been wafting around, preening himself like a panthress, and he even paid a visit to the diary room to explain how brilliant he is. As anyone who lives in London already knows, it just isn’t a party if Teen Wolf isn’t there. It just isn’t.
Big Brother 10, the great big launch night…
And so the housemates trundled into the house, some sprinted, some walked in slow motion whilst dressed like a Cabaret inspired demon. It was weird. Made all the weirder by Davina McCall’s decision to dress a little bit like a woman who might run a brothel. Anyway, no matter. Here’s how the first sixteen housemates came across, as decided by us…
With a beard reminiscent of General Zod in Superman II, Freddie is a little bit posh for all of this. That said, his big cheerful hugs seemed to go down well with the rest of the incomers. “Peace and love,” he declared on his way up the steps. That’s peace. And love.
With her punk rocker haircut and tatted up arms, neck, head, back, and face, Lisa has the look of a ferocious lesbian. An illusion that was immediately shattered when she embarked on an awkward conversation with Freddie about the shared moment they were enjoying.
Three minutes after her breasts, Sophie entered the house, making her already a guaranteed cover girl in the Nuts/Zoo axis of sophistication. Were she not a tits out glamour girl, she’d be an ice cream lady, she declared. Sorry, but what’s an ice cream lady?
Kris is as unconventional as the spelling of his name. Oh no, hang on, he’s not at all. He’s just another one of those Kooks-a-likes with a scraggly my-first-beard. He fumbled handfuls of cool points the minute he cooed “it smells like Allied Carpets”, whilst descending the house stairs.
Luckily for Jesus, Noirin lives her life by the Ten Commandments – or nine, as she’s already opted to bow down to another God by going on Big Brother. The Lord will not be happy about that. We’ve got a nasty feeling she might bear false witness against her neighbour at some point too. Just so long as she doesn’t covet anyone’s ox…
The youngster of the house, Cairon is a stylish American lad. Regardless that he feels gay just wiping his own bottom, he looks like the most obvious early contender for the crown. Kids will think he’s cool.
Instantly made a bad impression by taking about twenty minutes just to get up the steps, Angel would make for an awful dinner guest. Pudding done, wine empty, and yet there she is, staring at you, totally unwilling to leave. She’s slightly terrifying in a serial killer kind of way.
According to Karly, her arse is her best feature, which shows an incredible amount of humility from a girl who could have singled out her wit, her lust for medieval poetry, or her ability to change from blonde to brunette in a single frame change. The minute she saw Sophie, most of the blood drained from her face.
Should your computer go on the blink in the next week or so, gutted, because the only man who could combine fixing the thing with telling intriguing stories about the serial numbers on the back of comics is stranded in the Big Brother house. Looks like Wolverine in the same way that Trevor McDonald would if you just stuck some pretend side burns on his cheeks and told him to growl.
Kindly, to kick things off, Beinazir explained that she isn’t a prostitute. Something the other presumed-prostitutes in the house completely failed to consider doing. She then went on to explain that she frightens men, and hates posers. At that stage, we were still reeling from the prostitute revelation.
This is what happens when sickly children pull through and turn into strong young women. They pogo into the Big Brother house cackling like Jabba the Hut‘s manic giggling sidekick from Return of The Jedi. Another possible contender, she seems quite sweet, as all tiny little people do when they smile.
Unlike most Brits, Rodrigo – a Brazilian – loves England, even though it has unwittingly made him gay. Or straight. He’s just not sure. Although he does want to have sex with Latoya Jackson, which, frankly, casts no light on the situation whatsoever. Already in the house, he might win.
Charlie looks a little bit like Sean Penn in Milk, and although he insists that he can’t sit still for one second, we know he’s lying. He clearly spends at least fifteen minutes every morning patiently carving completely pointless go-faster stripes into his left eyebrow.
This year’s victim of appalling intro video syndrome, there is an immediate mountain to climb. Claims to hate all people within just a few minutes, she really should have considered the bra options when picking out a decent first night outfit.
Dressed by his mother and father, they said. And yet, there he was, Union Jack shirt underneath his jacket, Indian flag in his hand, leaving most BNP members totally bewildered. He’s got their shirt on, but he’s Indian. Brains all around Kent literally melted.
In a word – Teen Wolf.
Eric Clapton Shreds
Well, Hugh Hefner turns 83 today, and no one could ever accuse him of not having a type. The Hef has bedded scores of women in those years, absolutely all of them identical, with freshly shampooed hair, oily legs, and groin tattoos. It’s just the way he likes them. Today, he’s probably got two or three lined up. Even so, we thought we should get him a present, so we headed to a nearby wasteland, pointed guns at one another, and argued loudly about what to get him until the sun came up. It boiled down to a toss up between an actual rabbit for the mansion, or a brilliantly overdubbed clip of Eric Clapton playing the guitar. In the end we got him both. Happy Sexy Birthday Hef!
Ursula Andress in Dr No
Ursula Andress turns a whopping 73 today, and what a life she’s had. She was in the greatest sword and sandals film of all time, Clash of The Titans, and she once took her clothes off for Playboy. So, we thought we should buy her a present. We discussed long into the evening, drinking Cherry Coke and eating raisins to stay awake, and it boiled down to a toss up between a hilariously enormous hand made of foam, or a clip of her coming out of the sea to sing a song about fruit with the fourth best Bond. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Ursula!