Boomtown Rats, Rat Trap
Bob Geldof turns 55 today, and boy, has he been busy? He’s ranted at Maggie Thatcher, saved Africa, sired Peaches and Pixie Geldof, sung a few songs, rarely visited a salon, probably never been to a health spa. Yes, the man has done it all. Hence, we thought we’d get him a gift, so we went in search of Peaches to ask advice, only to call time on the plan after exactly nine seconds, when we realised that just hearing her voice might conceivably bring on an early bout of Winter flu. So instead we decided on either a box of matches, or an old Boomtown Rats number from 1978. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Prince Bob!
The Queen of Fancy Dress Week… so far
There are only a few windows of opportunity when celebrities like to showcase the fact that they’re absolutely nothing like everyday people. They’re special, they have all the right clothes. They’re beautiful. These times can be particularly difficult to stomach, mainly because they often involve the same gorgeous people who spend the rest of the year attempting to convince the world that they’re just like you and me – with their wellies on at Glasto, their cockney singing voices, their shaggy morning hair, their white nose globules. One such punch in the undercrackers comes during London Fancy Dress Week, when all the really gorgeous ones roll out in their weirdest frocks and trinkets to really hammer home just how square and pathetic you look in your outfit fusion of The Gap meets H&M, via Topshop. What are you? Anti-fashion? Or just naive?
So far at this year’s London Fancy Dress Week, we’ve been alienated (YET AGAIN) by the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof, and her sister – the professional model, Pixie. The latter was performing a daring up-and-down walk at Vivienne Westwood’s latest event, whilst the former looked on, sporting a set of magnificently large black shoes. Also in attendance was Boy George, 33.3 per cent of Girls Aloud, and Alexa Chung – the presenter with the horsy posh voice, and legs stolen from a sparrow. Her boyfriend is the sarcastic one from the Arctic Monkeys.
In another corner of town, Kate Moss has sent tongues aflutter by wearing a pair of old hotpants, with a jacket and a hat. Obviously there are no weather conditions that demand such a get up, so it’s an assumed fashion statement, which should presumably result in a sea of East London fedoras in the next few days. Keep an eye out for that. But the real star of the show so far has been Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud and having blonde hair fame. One celebrity journalist in particular is keen to point out that she enjoyed the warm reflective glory of six events in one evening, having chosen to leave the house in what they called a “wet look” dress. Thus far, she is the best fancy dresser. You go, sister!
Don’t freak out, this is merely an artistic impression…
The professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof, really knows how to pull in the punters. She’s got the tatts, she’s got the crazed celebrity lifestyle, and now she’s got the strange white face. By which we don’t mean racially white, but cosmetically white, as though she was attempting to go for the full Geisha or Celebrity Clown look, but then got bored, and went out anyway. Her gobsmacking new image received its first airing at some flashy clothes show at New York Fancy Dress Week, causing showbusiness desks all around the country to erupt with cruel, dispiriting laughter. “She looks totally stupid!” these sexy high-end journalists are guffawing into their takeaway cappuccinos, blissfully unaware that whenever they themselves leave the house in the morning in their poor man’s Sarah Jessica Parker outfits, entire mobs of street workers and passers-by have to physically stop themselves from tumbling to the ground and holding their stomachs to keep the laughter in. Still, she did look stupid, so these finger-on-the-pulse types might have a point.
Elsewhere in the intriguing world of celebrities, Kanye West has apologised for spoiling the MTV Awards – mainly because Barack Obama called him a cock in American. And Kim Kardashian – the US version of Peaches Geldof, but also famous for having a gargantuan bum – has left the entire planet speechless by losing a bit of meat from her notorious behind. Here’s a “before” shot…
Formerly Mr Frank Lampard…
It must be the worse kind of punch in the underpants to be dumped by Frank Lampard. You’ve bore him the fruits of his very small but elegant loins, you’ve ignored the sweaty mist that squirts from every handshake he enters into, and you’ve spent night after night enduring his laborious explanations about various goals that he almost scored for Chelsea. Some nights, you were duty-bound to receive his slobbering tongue kisses as well, as sweat dripped from his angular nose, landing directly onto your pupil, causing you to squeal, which he misinterpreted as delight. It was a tough time. Probably a horrible time. So no wonder Elen Rives – formerly fiancee to Lady Frank – is throwing herself into single life with verve and gusto. Just this week, various news desks have been left in a quivering silence after pictures turned up of Rives partying at the Mobos, with her womanly Spanish bosoms damn near escaping from her dress. Frank would never have allowed that, they’re thinking. And they’re probably right. Excellent work, Elen. You go girl… as they say.
Elsewhere in the serious world of celebrity, everyone is completely flipping out because girl band The Saturdays have decided to go on holiday, and Peaches Geldof went out and got really drunk in a bar that no one can honestly afford. She looks a bit pissed according to one investigative journalist.
The word oozing down from showbiz desks like slime leaking from a dying monster’s mouth and eyes is that Jude Law has been busily enjoying unprotected sex again – this time with models. In particular, a model called Samantha Burke, who graciously accepted the inside of Law’s underpants whilst he was taking a break from filming Sherlock Holmes, the Guy Ritchie interpretation – which, we presume, will surely feature a whiskey soaked cockney voice over, some right tarts, and a slow motion punch up. In fact, it was probably called Sherlock Faackin’ ‘olmes, you Jaffa before the censors got to it. Anyway, that’s all by the by, the point is that Law’s now put a baby inside this pouting glamour puss, and she wants REVENGE! Or, more specifically, money. Celebrity journalists are pleased to note that the actor has agreed to hurl part of his fortune at the kid, and might even incorporate the thing into his actual family, which already features a small flock of future Peaches Geldofs that he had with Sadie Frost.
In other massive celebrity news, Cheryl Cole left the entire showbusiness world in a stunned silence when she arrived home for work looking a little bit tired, and Lily Allen – the one that sings about the little things in life, somehow mistaking laborious monotony for something remotely profound – made a cock of herself by parading around with silver circles around her eyes. Celebrity journalists have been overheard guffawing over that one, before sniffing up more lines of expensive talc and snogging each other. Just how they roll.
He’s the cheerful one at the front…
On average, around a hundred new celebrities crop up each year. This year we’ve been seduced by that brain damaged man with the gold teeth from Britain’s Got Talent, that GaGa thing with the tiny outfits, and there must surely be another Geldof in the pipeline, ready to edit a magazine, or run an angular record label. There just must be. The point being that these people are fizzing and buzzing around us, and no longer even bothering to move into the secret nooks and crannies that litter Fame Mountain. We see them every day, you just need to open your eyes, and send in your spots.
Just last week, a certain member of the Interestment flock saw both Clair Sweeney and Harry Enfield in one afternoon. What an afternoon that was. But the winner this week is Paulie, who somehow managed to see with his own eyes Miquita Oliver – “she was in Tescos, she’s pretty and tall” – Kevin Rowland – “he lives down the road from me, I see him a lot” – and Terry Hall, who was “drinking a coffee, literally about two feet away.” Those are quite some spots.
Hence Paulie wins an Interestment Mix Tape, featuring Prince and much more.
Send your spots to [email protected]
Once an Alice Band, now a Fascinator
Sometimes, to make something fashionable, you just need to change the name up a bit. No one was drinking Magners back when it was called Daddy’s Apple Juice (which may or may not have happened) and would people still wear jeans if they were called Trampies? No they wouldn’t. Which leads us very smoothly to Fascinators, the latest must-have fashion gadget for girls, which used to be so uncool when they were just called Alice Bands. Friend of the site and remarkable fashion mind, Hannah, put us onto these, accurately pointing out that “they used to be worn only at weddings, but now they’re ten-a-penny in the fashion pages and on celebs”. Too true, too true. “Plus,” she continues, “wearing headbands over your forehead like Titania – the fairy princess – is an odd trend that has taken to the streets now and is super popular with young girls, including Paris Hilton, Peaches Geldof, Sienna Miller and the like.”
You heard it here first, women. Now go! Shop!
Oh thank goodness, she made it…
As you’re probably aware, the showbiz world has been locked in a terrified silence for the last twenty-four hours or so after news swept in that Penelope Cruz – the Spaniard who once pretended to go out with Tom Cruise – got a dicky tummy after eating some poisonous food. Apparently she might actually have been sick at one point. And her stomach felt just horrible. Really really horrible. Cannes Film Festival was put on yellow alert, and all of her commitments for the next five years were rumoured to be cancelled until her eventual recovery. So imagine the shock, when like Lazarus in the Life of Brian, she rose from her bed yesterday morning, and actually walked. Walked all the way to a party. Someone was overheard saying that it might just have been a twenty-four hour thing, but they were removed from proceedings immediately. It was a miracle. A Penelope Cruz shaped miracle.
Elsewhere in the French cinema town, Peaches Geldof has been further upsetting local babies by wandering the streets with her various aggressive tattoos showing. And in shocking motherhood news, it seems that Geri Halliwell – formerly of friendship with George Michael – deems it appropriate to smoke in front of her child. One showbiz reporter in particular simply can’t believe it. Here she is with her friends before she was snared by the silky weed…
Good for you, woman, good for you…
To watch Princess Frank Lampard cantering about a football pitch like a My Little Pony with gelled up hair is a total joy. The way he floats the ball to JT, hits it up to Drog-Drog, threads one through for Coley. It’s a marvel. But, enough of the macho football talk, because Frank hit the news today via his ex-girlfriend, Elen Rives (pictured) – the bosomy Spaniard who endured years of wet Lampard handshakes, and even bore the fruits of his revolting loins. The word on the street is that she – somehow! – has managed to move on following their break up, and she’s now enjoying rampant evenings with a lower-league footballer called Lawrie. Good for her.
In other news, everyone in Cannes has been left with an uncomfortable acid taste in the back of their throats because of Peaches Geldof‘s strange tattooed thighs. And showbiz reporters have been reeling after seeing photographs of the actress Lindsay Lohan looking a little bit thinner than usual. What’s happened to her? Is it because she split up with her lesbian girlfriend? One journalist in particular thinks that it definitely is. It definitely freakin’ is. Here she is back when she was just another curvaceous young lesbian sitting on a bed with a bikini on…
“Please stop taking your clothes off”
If you have ever been to London, chances are that you’ve already met the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof. She literally knows everyone. She’s really good friends with style icon Pixie Geldof, she’s always sharing milkshakes with supermodel Daisy Lowe, and we suspect that she gets along quite well with the legendary singer/songwriteress Lily Allen. All names you’ve probably heard from your Heat magazines, and your hours spent on MySpace looking for the next great band. All great women. All deep thinkers. And yet, it seems that a certain former punk rocker has forgotten what it’s like to be young and totally brilliant at everything, as Bob Geldof is – according to some very well placed showbusiness reporters – unhappy with his daughter’s unquenchable thirst for revolting whorish clothes. The word on the street is that he told her in February that enough was enough, but she was, like, “shut up Dad”, or something. Just this week she was spotted talking about herself outside one of London’s most selective wine bars.
In other womanly news, everyone is getting really excited about the Scottish guy on Britain’s Got Talent. And the showbiz world has been thrown into a stunned silence as pictures have surfaced of Beyonce on the beach wearing a gentleman’s shirt to cover up. One gossip reporter in particular is terrified that she might have lost confidence in her curves. And then what would happen? Women would literally kill themselves, that’s what. Here’s a picture of Beyonce before she shattered our dreams…
News from the inside…
It’s such a fun time of year, London Fancy Dress Week. All the famous children – Geldofs, Lowe, Winston – get to pretend to be grown ups, and even Sienna Miller’s sister, Savannah, has been allowed to pose as a fashion designer. It’s great – like Stella McCartney all over again. So far, there have been a few gaffs – like girls wearing coats with skirts (come on, guys!), and at least ten models have been overheard making themselves violently sick in the ladies. But we wouldn’t have it any other way, because once the bone-shuddering humiliation of dressing up like a cowboy and keeping a straight face has dissolved, you can take away some excellent fashion lessons from this festival of idiots. This year, for example, we have learnt that everyone will be wearing wonderful scarlet outfits next autumn/winter. Time to stock up on red stuff, style junkies.