Beverly Hills 90210
For those struggling to remember who Brian is, cast your mind back to the glorious 1990s, sitting in front of your television with your wedge haircut and your red denim jeans. That’s right, he’s the guy from Beverly Hills 90210. He played the dorky kid who grew up to be even cooler than Brandon and Brenda put together. But not quite as cool as Dylan. In real life he was once engaged to the Transformers actress Megan Fox, and during his heyday he enjoyed a deeply sexual relationship with this woman. He’s 36 today, hence we thought we’d buy him a gift, so we sat in a circle throwing an ideas tennis ball to one another with the catcher shouting out suggestions, until it boiled down to a toss up between a bottle of whiskey and a switchblade, or a funny clip that we once used on the site many many moons ago. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday B.A.G!
Inevitably some were not worthy to light our darkest hour…
It never fails to brighten up our day like a gargantuan sunbeam whenever we hear from a member of the growing Interestment family. Today, Richard – an excellent writer with sideways glancing eyes – has turned his magic telescope on the world of brilliant toys. Notably Transformers. He had this to say…
To celebrate the imminent release of the second installment of the bastardisation of the Transformers franchise (General Motors hang your collective product-placing heads in shame – justice has been served!), I thought I’d take a look at the best Transformers from their previous, definitive, incarnation – lovable cuboid animations and innocently accompanying toys. Toys that were made out of a love for children, and not some sick marketing synergy ploy.
Yep, those were the days – and these were the best of the lot…
What a day it was, my seventh birthday. I played it cool, not getting up until gone 4am that year, and headed into my parents’ bedroom for the obligatory present feast. Actually, what with the recent divorce and that, it was actually my parent’s bedroom at that point (tragically this sentence will be lost on anyone with a poor grasp of grammar. But I digress…) Surely with all the turmoil of the past year (see above) I was deserving of some incredible gifts? Sure enough, after wading through the chaff of Bel Mooney books, travel yatzee (again!), and assorted lego, I got to the headline act. What was it? What wasssssss it? It was Grimlock of course. Within seconds I had the first love of my life. He was so strong, so grey, so dinosaur-y. We went everywhere together. I forgot all about my father. And years later, inevitably, I accidentally bit his poorly manufactured arm off. Great times. An obvious choice perhaps, but sometimes it takes a big man to admit that the best is quite easily the best, and I’m 5′ 8″ in heels. Grimlock even had a sidekick called Shag. Yep, Shag. Like the bird.
OK, so Megatron was a bit of a tool, but his reincarnation as Galvatron was absolutely ani-mental. He was the sexy bad guy you couldn’t help but fall in love with, with his orally ergonomic name, big weird orange gun thing and spectacular purple face (in the days before purple was a bit camp). How could someone so bad be so good? Of course he lost out in the end, as fictional baddies tend to – but it’s all part of the story. He went out with a blast, which was somewhat fitting considering the big weird orange gun thing. Also key to Galvatron‘s success was his voicing by one Leonard Nimoy. The man ate a serious amount of gravel for the role, and that alone deserves our respect. He also played Spock in another classic series that received a Paramount makeover this year…
An absolute nightmare for toy designers, but a complete joy for pre-pubescent schoolboys the world over, Springer was a triple changer! That’s nearly four alternatives! (Though just two for the younger boys who couldn’t get the rotor blades to work). He was also bravely green, in an era when green was little more than the colour of grass and military clothing. Some say it’s thanks to Springer that green was even accepted as a colour, and that he was instrumental in getting Italy and Brazil to include it in their flags. But who knows? What we do know is that he was a classic transformer – honourable, tough, masculine, brave, loyal… and green.
Jazz faced a great deal of competition in the race for best car transformer; Hot Rod (too goody-goody), Mirage (too posh), Cliffjumper (too small), Blurr (too neurotic), Ironhide (too Nissan-y), and Sideswipe (too peripheral) all pushed him close, but what swung it for Jazz was his utterly cool behaviour in the line of fire. He was also the people’s robot, everyone’s mate, a gent. We all loved Jazz. And all this despite being a funny looking Porsche with a crap paint job.
This woman’s been showing off…
Because most of us aren’t celebrities, our winters are spent face down in mashed potatoes, doing anything we can to stave off the cold. Famous people, however, zip off to sunny places to begin working on their bikini bodies. They will then spend the following summer showing off their thin stomachs, their skin as tight as a snare drum, and their perky, attentive bosoms. The rest of us either lie on our fronts, or desperately suck it all in and waddle as fast as possible into the sea. It’s not fair. And just this weekend, the one from the Pussycat Dolls who goes out with Lewis Hamilton has been showing off her bikini body on a Hawaiian beach holiday. Like many bikini bodies, it involves a taut angry abdominal area, vivid buttocks, and a tiny little swimsuit, this year in fashionable Eva Longoria stripes – as opposed to Julia Roberts spots. One showbiz reporter in particular thinks she looks really good, but wonders where Lewis Hamilton is. Have they split up? Or was he having a lie down? These are the questions, friends. These are the questions.
Elsewhere, Cheryl Cole has been showing off her bikini body, which this year makes her look very thin, a bit like one of those gaunt heroin chic models that we used to find so disturbing and emaciated back in the good old days. Should this worrying trend continue, next year, this year’s bikini knickers will hang off her like y-fronts on a skeleton. Start eating, Cole. And, over in Hollywood, Megan Fox (below) decided that her bikini body could be spectacularly shown off under a sexy red dress. Hollywood insiders have been left in a stunned silence by her confusing mixture of demure sensuality and drunken sailor tatts. It’s as though Captain Birdseye ripped open his captain’s jacket to reveal a pair of absolutely gorgeous breasts. Kind of..
It’s the tale of two women…
For those who don’t watch blockbusters based on old toys, Megan Fox was in Transformers. She played Optimus Prime (we think). She was also in another children’s movie called Whore. So, yeah, she’s quite a big deal right now over in Hollywood, and one showbiz reporter in particualr couldn’t believe it when he saw some recent photographs of her. The pictures in question were paparazzi photographs of her being photographed – which surely creates some kind of weird vortex, like holding a mirror up to a mirror. “She looks so glamourous,” purred the journalist, before saying something about how she’s normally such a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of gal. And yet, there she is, glammed up. A Hollywood actress. Actually glammed up. Just standing there. All dazzling and glammed up. We were totally gobsmacked too.
In other news, Dane Bowers – the UK’s answer to Justin Timberlake – has been spotted skulking around at Jordan’s house. And Susan Boyle, the Scottish gentleman who looks a shoo-in for Britain’s Got Talent, has been overheard going ballistic because someone said something nice about the little Welsh lad with the Aretha Franklin voice.