The McDonalds McDLT
It was always going to happen, George Michael was going to turn 46 eventually. He’s tried to fight it for the last 45 years or so, but today he couldn’t fight it any more. And what a 46 years. He’s been part of a brilliant pop group, he’s enjoyed tremendous solo success, he’s been caught feverishly caressing himself in the bogs. What left is there to achieve? We’d like to say that he could fall asleep in his car in the middle of the road, but he’s even managed that. Amazing. Hence, we decided to get him a gift, so we all put on flowing white shirts and wandered the evening streets in the rain discussing ideas, our shirts becoming see-through and showing our nips. Eventually it boiled down to a toss up between some grapes or a clip of the man who played George Constanza in Seinfeld doing a McDonalds advert from years back. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday George Michael!
McDonalds Ad, 1977
Ridiculously, Johnny Depp is 46 today, which means in four years time Johnny Depp will be 50. It just doesn’t feel right. A bit like when you see kids from Grange Hill, only now they’ve got hairy faces, wives, and cheque books. Or Aled Jones doing Songs of Praise with his great big protruding belly and soft podgy face. These people were not meant to grow old. They should be forever young, like Cliff Richard. And yet they’re not. Hence, we thought it best to pick up Johnny a gift, so we visited an aging soothsayer who fixes watches in China Town to discuss things, and it boiled down to a nice pair of Stan Smiths to make him seem younger, or a McDonalds advert from the 1970s. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Johnny Depp!
Cold drinks that make you go YUM
Walk through the park during a sunny afternoon, and you will see grown adults lying face down, passed out. They’re too hot. They were overconfident. They thought they could just wander into a park empty handed and survive. Luckily for them, no one will notice – they’ll just assume sunbather or drunk – and they should come to before sundown. They would be wise, however, to learn from this. Sunshine on an empty stomach can be a killer, and liquids are essential. During the Winter, the popular drink/snack of choice is soup – a hot mixture of vegetables, sometimes with added meats. The Summer equivalent of soup is milkshake, which finds cow’s milk shaked with ice cream. It wasn’t always like that, by the way. Back in the late 1800s, a milkshake was a strange concoction of eggs, whiskey and milk. Then in around 1940 they became the staple palate cleanser in McDonalds. Anyway, the point is that you should be enjoying at least two of these a day according to experts – a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch etc… – but rather than join the snaking queues of school kids slaloming around the street from Maccy-D’s, just make your own at home!
You will need:
1. Some ice cream
2. Some milk
3. A blender
Now, simply put your ice cream in a blender, then add half of that amount in milk. So, if you’re using two pints of ice cream, you’ll need a pint of milk. If you’re going for a pint of ice cream, you’ll only need half a pint of milk. Incidentally, the two pints of ice cream option should make about four of the things. Or even five. You can use any flavour of ice cream you like, you can pimp up the shake by adding bits of choc, or espresso coffee, or sweets. Then blitz it until it looks like the ones you get from McDonalds, and bosh. Milkshake.
To be wolfed down in moderation, children
Super Size Me, the film about eating fast food every day, gave burgers a terrible name. And yet, other fatty things like chocolate cakes, noodles smeared in peanut butter, and excessive chunks of cheese can still be scoffed in the street, and no one will bat an eyelid – literally no one. It’s a shame, especially as beefburgers taste so good, and if you limit yourself to just one a week, you’ll live a happy life until you’re about 100 or 200 years old. Then you’ll die. With this in mind, we thought it high time we discussed our four favourite burgers, then listed them for others to peruse:
1. Whopper with Cheese
People debate long and hard about Burger King versus McDonalds, and like any holy war, it’s one that will rage until the end of time. A feather for the Burger King cap, then, as they romp home to win with this gargantuan snack. The balance of flavour is totally delightful, and the added salad presumably makes it really good for you. Kids, one of these a day and you’ll grow up to be as fast as Asafa Powell. You have our permission.
Say hello to the Filet-O-Fish
For years, the Filet-O-Fish was only notable for kids running around playgrounds hysterically yelling “and a Filet-O-Fish for my wiiiife” in an array of foreign accents. But, as it turns out, they’re totally delicious. Interestment was the victim of a cheeseburger/filet mix up a few months back, but rather than turning on a sixpence and barging back into Mackey D‘s to scream at demoralised counter attendants, we reluctantly gave it a go. And guess what? It tasted of fish, cheese, and tartar sauce – like a really excellent fish finger sandwich, if you like. Originally drafted onto the McDonalds menu so that greedy Catholics could still wolf down fast food on fish-only Fridays, it’s now on the Interestment menu every day. For a bit.