A summary of the most (and least) interesting of today’s Dailies…
As its Friday, let’s go crazy and kick off with Fashion News! Distressed, aged, bleached, battered and splattered with holes: nope, not Madonna on a Thursday, but jeans at Balmain, apparently one of the most eagerly anticipated and imaginatively priced catwalk shows of Paris Fashion Week. For a mere wallet-violating £1000 earth pounds, you too can have a pair. Or you could just save yourself a grand and not bother.
Consumer headlines: After being AWOL for three years, Action Man is BACK (pictured)! The 10-inch, gun-toting, war-mongering, plastic underpant-wearing children’s toy will be on sale in Tescos. “It will be a sell out!” says someone from Tescos (probably). The £15 version comes with Gulf War Syndrome, and a severed ear.
Health and Beauty Update: 450,000 road accidents per year are caused by women applying makeup at the wheel of their car, says some Insurance group, gleefully rubbing their hands together and offering free Lancome mascaras with every motor policy taken out this month. ROSPA spokesperson highlights the idiocy of the general public by feeling the need to suggest applying “make-up before or after driving.” And research has shown that a shocking 1 in 5 UK mums-to-be smoke. Proving that pregnancy is incredibly stressful.
Sex news: Women rejoice! The publication of a new book called Why Women Have Sex means you can now find out. For many women, it seems having sex comes down to pleasure. Surely a Nobel prize is on the horizon? Perhaps after they bring out the sequel: “Why glass things break when you drop them.”
In Careers: A survey carried out on kids aged 5-11 regarding their career aspirations was labelled unrealistic by joyless experts. Apparently, these pre-pubescent idiots want to be astronauts, pop and sport stars! Not a single 5-11 year-old aspired to the dizzy heights of unemployed financier, striking postal worker or drug-addled, single parent. Yet.
Otherworldly Report: A U.S. Psychic claiming to have been beaten up by rival psychics may have been fibbing about the attack say police. They have also started arresting people who respond: “wouldn’t she have seen it coming?”
And finally in Food news: A woman in Texas ate some goldfish to annoy her husband, and be-sequinned, Strictly Come Dancing quarry, Natalie Cassidy was papped in M&S buying convenience food. Triple cringe!
We’ve reveled in Part One and Part Two of our hit parade countdown, so rather unsurprisingly today finds us enjoying Part Three, which features ten fine Number One hits that didn’t quite make it into the Top 10. But they needn’t be ashamed, as they are still great big giants amongst men. Amongst them are the Arctic Monkeys – a relatively new band – the finest Bowie single of them all, Madonna’s greatest moment, and the funkiest song about beating people up that’s ever been carved into vinyl. Plus, of course, there’s the inevitable Rod Stewart number. Hence, 11-20 reads a little something like this…
11. Joe Cocker, With a Little Help From My Friends (1968)
12. Gary Numan, Cars (1979)
13. Beyonce, Crazy In Love (2003)
14. Rod Stewart, Maggie May (1971)
15. Madonna, Into The Groove (1985)
16. The Human League, Don’t You Want Me (1981)
17. Carl Douglas, Kung Fu Fighting (1974)
18. David Bowie, Ashes to Ashes (1980)
19. Procul Harum, A Whiter Shade of Pale (1967)
20. Arctic Monkeys, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor (2005)
Who are the real pop idols, Camden?
This year’s Glastonbury Festival did little but highlight a worrying dearth of modern iconic solo stars. The biggest crowd pullers were Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young – acts that could have headlined the festival thirty years ago. We don’t seem to have found an heir apparent for Prince, Madonna or Michael Jackson yet either. It’s a worrying time. Or is it? Terrified that we might be missing out on some key knowledge about musical icons, we headed up to Camden – London’s capital of drugs and bands – to see who those in the know look up to. And did we uncover anything new and exciting? Absolutely not, no.
This is a brave women… so they say
Most days celebrities will wake up and spend around two or three hours toning up their bodies, before calling a good stylist and a make up artist and demanding that they drop what they’re doing, come over, and make sure that they look suitably stunning for their trip to Waitrose. There, they will prove to the world that they do normal things, like shopping for food. Only, it’s really nice expensive food. Food that you can only dream of. On the way home, they will probably hurl the food out of the chauffeur driven car window into a dumpster, or onto the pavement. They don’t really need it, they’re off for another lunch on expenses at Ramsey’s place. That’s just how famous people live. So, it was met with an almighty gasp when pictures of Rachel Stevens and Sonia from Eastenders turned up on showbusiness desks this morning – neither of them wearing any make up. This daring move was embarked on for the latest issue of the celebrated Hollywood pamphlet Heat magazine, and the results of the shoot have left most of the celebrity press clutching their stomachs and complaining that they might have swine flu. One showbiz journalist in particular cannot believe how brave they are. Interestment does note, however, that they pretty much look the same as ever. In Sonia‘s case, slightly more beautiful.
In other shocking celebrity body alerts, it has been noticed that Madonna has got really weird arms, which appear gristly and strong, like a prisoner of war who passes the time oscillating between starving to death and doing press ups. Whilst the actress Anna Friel went to a polo match with a dress so plunging at the front that you could almost see her boobs.
Madonna finally shows signs of ageing
Old Father Time is a cruel, white bearded man, possibly wearing a hat. We pretty much live by his rules, which dictate that we achieve our perfect body proportion for around two years in our late teens, and from then on in it’s a fierce battle to fool the world into thinking that you’re beautiful. Some of us dress cleverly, hiding our revolting blubbery guts behind flowing silk blouses, others head to the gym for a few hours every single day to burn off lunch, then turn breakfast into bulbous, vein-ridden muscles. It’s a game none of us can win. And yet, every day showbiz desks peppered all about the capital can be overheard squealing with delight at the sight of another victory for Old Father Time and his bludgeoning walking stick.
Only today, the withered elderly gent finally scored an important victory is his battle against Madonna, as she turned celebrity reporter’s stomachs with a set of bingo wings usually reserved for women in flowery dresses who spend the weekend scrubbing steps and swapping racist jokes with their neighbours. It’s a crushing defeat for the 50-year-old singer/dancer/adopter of many children, who will no doubt come out fighting with another book of nudes. Or a music video showcasing some pretty intense yoga sessions.
It’s not all bad news though, as some other withering flowers have come to a late blossom, as Jerry Hall – formerly of Mick Jagger wife fame (pictured) – took to a beach looking less like a 53-year-old former model, and more like a 46-year-old vegetarian. And 44-year-old Sandra Bullock has removed all of her clothes in a film without making anyone reel back with shock and start dry puking in the aisles. One showbiz reporter in particular assumes that such a story warrants a massive billing. Take THAT Old Father Time!
New Madonna in classic Madonna antics
Nothing tells the world that you’ve arrived quite like taking your clothes off and allowing the general public to cast a judgemental eye over your naked body. Madonna famously did it with the metal encased coffee table book, Sex, which featured her showing her boobs to Vanilla Ice, french kissing Naomi Campbell, and sitting seductively on top of a very nervous R2-D2. It was hugely popular at the time. And now, Lady GaGa – the oiky New York princess who appears to have stamped her foot and demanded pop stardom – has turned up on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine wearing nothing but some very convieniently placed bubbles, which cleverly hide both of her breasts, her strange belly button, and her lady gaga. The picture is accompanied by a headline reading The Rise of Lady GaGa, when they could easily have punned something along the lines of living in a bubble, or bubbles bursting, or desperate measures. But they chose not to. Good for them. Good for them.
In other news, Kylie Minogue might be getting married to someone. It’s her birthday by the way. And Rihanna – the pretty young singer with the nasty ex-boyfriend – has proved that she’s past the worst of it by looking sexy in a music video. One showbiz journalist in particular is delighted about that. Absolutely delighted. Here she is back in the good old days…
This man does not count
There is an enormous difference between a film produced/executive produced by a pop star, and a film that stars them as well. Most of the latter category feature rap music’s force of nature, Will Smith – a man who will surely direct himself playing the parts of God and Jesus in the same film one day. We can hardly wait. But until that day comes, we’ve decided to quench our thirst by looking at some of the greatest films produced by people in the music industry. These are the ones we like best…
1. Repo Man
A totally weird/brilliant film, what makes this punk-fuelled tale of car reposession, drugs and aliens even more surreal is that it was produced by Mike Nesmith from The Monkees. It stars Emilio Estevez – possibly at his peak – and Harry Dean Stanton, who is one of our favourite actors ever. Probably our sixth favourite to be precise.