Fashion expert and friend of the site Oral Eek has the skinny on London Men’s Fashion Week…
Hello boys, are you excited that it’s Men’s Fashion Week in London? You didn’t know? Were you all too busy chopping down trees, fixing cars and being rugged? You sexy bruts! Fear not I will be able to help you decipher the catwalk trends and tell you what to save your wages for come Autumn/Winter 2014.
How would I know and why should you listen? You see I work in fashion, not as a journalist but doing the real work behind the scenes, under the tables and on top of the bars. I have spent the last twenty years cutting, pasting, eye rolling, bitch slapping, bedazzling, stapling, bribing, and bullying creations for you sexy buggers.
My job is to know what you will want, and it turns out that what men want is as many sexual partners as they can get without getting caught and a roast leg of lamb once a week. But occasionally they buy clothes and snazzy trainers to help them attract the ladies, which some dicks like to call “peacocking”
So, I know stuff, I am legit, too legit to quit just like MC Hammer. Being legit means I get paid too little to afford the legit garments from the catwalks just like you. And what your silly oversized man brain doesn’t understand is that wherever you shop you will still get a watered down, cheap, bastardised version of the mad threads you see here on the catwalks.
So get ready it’s all coming to a JD Sports near you very soon.
Platform shoes from JW Anderson
Here’s a little insight from JW Anderson on the inspiration behind his platform shoes for blokes: “I love the idea that when you look at portraits in old houses, they’re always positioned really high,” he said. “That was the idea with the shoe — that idea of elevation. When you look at the face, you have to look up at it.”
The JW Anderson line was bought last year by LVMH who own loads of labels but their main business is, you guessed it – Louis Vuitton, Moet and Hennessey. That’s a lot of booze and handbags they sell, and thank goodness for that because it allows them to plough all of that money back into supporting this kind of staggering talent.
I can only imagine the inspirational journey that JWA had to go on to come up with this unique brainwave. Obviously it would have been essential to rent a palace somewhere in the south of France for a month to gaze thoughtfully at pictures that are dead high up. Then trot back to the studio to literally shoehorn that idea into a feeble explanation about why you’re making men’s platforms.
I’m going to get T shirts printed for the CEO of LVMH with a picture of Dave from Slade on the front with the slogan: “My creative director went to the South of France for a month, it cost me £750,000 and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and some wedges.”
Expect to see on the high street: Any Italian using this as an excuse to wear a Cuban heel.
Next up, Burberry’s opening look was a string vest, silk scarf and bowling bag made with strips of pub carpet.
Rab C Nesbitt meets Hilda Ogden down the Megabowl?
Inspiration – Dad went out for a quiet game of bowls but ended up getting leathered down The Legion and arrived home at 7.30 am. Mum hits the fucking roof when she sees another woman’s scarf round his neck and kicks him out. Mum let us listen to Shabba Ranks in the car on the way to school as a treat.
Sure, I read some interesting quotes from Christopher Bailey about what inspired him to come up with this collection. But I had to read them four times then go to the kitchen and check the packet of Lemsip I was drinking to make sure it wasn’t hallucinogenic, and then read it again. It’s something or other to do with a big expensive painting that he bought by a bi-sexual artist. Or something. Also he likes horse blankets and the kind of carpet that someone in Bloomsbury had – maybe Lucien Freud, or Sigmund, or it may have been Bella…someone that Bailey thinks is really cool basically. Anyway the point is that he was referencing a bit of carpet, literally scraping the floor for ideas. Nice one.
Expect to see on the High street – exactly this look because it costs fuck all to make. The high street all wipe their brows and high five each other, happy in the knowledge that everyone will want this look. We all celebrate with some tasty Moet and Hennessy.
Diesel Black Gold
Inspiration – Frankie goes to West Hollywood and has a gang bang with the Sheriff’s department.
Of course there was a statement from Diesel’s new Creative Director speaking at Pitti Uomo, he said: “I’m so excited to be showing my first collection blah blah blah”… But exactly zero shits were given as everyone hot-footed it back to the showroom and ordered another 57,000 puffa jackets and 69,000 units of bleached denim for each Diesel outlet. The end.
Even though we are only a few weeks into the grueling fashion calender there has sadly already been a mammoth fashion injury resulting in a full scale fashion emergency at Pringle. The official line on the inspiration for the A/W collections were that it was inspired by this moving performance of Danny Boy, an original Muppets classic:
However rumour has it that there was more to it. An insider had this to say ”Both Ronnie Corbett (Creative Director) and Jimmy Tarbuck (CEO) were fooking devastated on the morning of our London Fashion Week show when our model turned up with a severe rubber necking injury”. The model’s neck had been so severely stretched it had grown a further 10 inches in height.
“Tarbuck went absolutely mental swinging around a golf club and smashing up expensive eye shadows. At one point Tarbuck was so enraged he had to be restrained from strangling the model which only exacerbated the injury stretching the neck a further 3 inches!!!”
Fortunately Corbett (formerly Creative Director of Lyle & Scott), who is known in the rag trade for his nimble miniature hands and credited for helping the company take back a lot of production from the children in China, was quick to react. Ronnie knitted up some extra-long necks for all of the garments to cover up this grotesque fashion affliction which meant the show could go on.
Rumour also has it that the model pictured above had spent the previous month with JW Anderson in a French chateau which may account for his injury.
Both Corbett and Tarbuck refused to comment on this rumour when questioned at the end of the show but just winked and said “That’s showbiz!”
So guys, whilst you sleep tonight be safe in the knowledge that round and round the industrial estates of the M25 and in and out the dust roads of Shenzen China we are hard at work. The I.T teams are working around the clock putting back-breaking amounts of paper in printers and turning computers off again and on again to ensure that the UK high street can print these inspirational messages from the catwalk and get some similar product made in polyester for 0.0005 pence. Available to you for £50 in just two weeks.
And as for my next collection? Well I’ve just drafted up an email to my boss regarding an essential piss up… err I mean inspiration trend trip to Hawaii. Spring 2015 is all about the grass skirt, you heard it here first, and you’re very welcome.
These guys had a great time…
It’s always a joy to hear from a new member of the Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Lora – a fashion expert with a sharp wit. Fancy Dress Week over, what have we learnt? She had this to say…
1. No show will start until some time between 30 to 32 seconds after Suzy Menkes has sat down. She is Britains answer to Anna Wintour except she looks like she is dressed head to toe in BHS.
2. Three quarters of the front row are staff of the brand put there to fill in numbers.
3. Models will constantly try to steal clothes by just walking out into the street in their catwalk clobber, and they’ll usually get away with it, as everyone is so crazzzed after the show that nobody notices. Although it’s not so inconspicuous when you are trapped in a birdcage with two wheel barrows for shoes, trying to get the 38 bus back home to London Fields.
4. Some gorgeous male model will always whip out a guitar to have a jam backstage….why did he have to do that ? You were considering sleeping with him (because I’m the boss, I can do that) until he started his acoustic rendition of Purple Haze. He should have continued pretending to look interesting by reading that Bukowski book upside down.
5. Female models will eat cake, oh boy will they eat…all of it, oh yeah, pasta, the lot, they are just so normal, they do it ALL the time, that’s another fashion FACT.
And here’s a couple of things we picked up on along the way…
6. Pretty soon, we’ll all be wearing hats and hot pants, regardless of weather conditions.
7. If you really want to know what’s hip, just follow the lead of the blonde one from Girls Aloud – start by peroxiding your hair, then down eight pints of Strongbow. That should do it.
8. The Geldof brothers are also worth a butchers if it’s style tips you’re after.
9. It’s really not okay to be fat. Although it is. But seriously, it’s not. Just try not to be fat. That’s all we’re saying. But if you are, don’t worry. You’re still beautiful. You just need to make yourself thinner. So, that’s fat and proud, yeah?
But get thinner.
And 10. If you’re doing the uppy-downy walk thing on the runway, don’t smile. For Christ’s sake, don’t smile. It’s not funny. You’re not there to have fun. This is serious business. It’s Fancy Dress Week, damn it!
Until the next one…
Couple of lovely jumpers, there
What a London Fancy Dress Week – a gang of furious trendy-bendies went loco outside the Westwood show, because they couldn’t get in even though they had front row tickets, and another model size debate kicked off. Over at Mark Fast’s knitwear show, he sent out models of sizes 12 and 14. Sweet Jesus. Look at those numbers. Aren’t models supposed to look like giant lollypops? Was it not the fancy dress world that made a rule about runway girls having sparrow legs and breezy malnourished prisms where a stomach should be? Mark’s stylist, Erika Kurihara, was so angered by these normal-sized women that she allegedly walked out. Hopefully they’ve kissed and made up by now, and are currently gorging themselves on pies and lard.
At Fashion Fringe, four young aspiring designers with astronomical haircuts battled it out for the big prize of cash and support to make nice frocks and blouses. There was a world of pink happening, and plenty of very tall girls walking up and down a catwalk as if an invisible hand were slowly dragging them by the pelvis. Colin McDowell’s team of judges, including Donatella Versace, ended up choosing the gorgeous collection of Jena. Theo. Incidentally, did you know that Donatella’s name comes from combining the key elements that make up her skin tone and texture? Doner meat and Nutella. It’s a fact. Seriously, check Wikipedia… actually don’t. Just trust me.
Celebrity guests included Little Boots who was wearing shoes, and The Prawn from Girls Aloud. Or, at least, I think it was her. I didn’t want to get too close, as I’m allergic to shellfish. And Wotsits.
Oh, nice one Lisa
It’s always met with a warm glow of reflective joy whenever we’re joined by a new recruit, and today we hear from Lora – a magnificent fashion expert with an eye for the absurd. She had this to report about proceedings so far from inside London Fancy Dress Week…
Yeah, sure, it’s London Fashion Week. Excuse my lack of enthusiasm but I’ve worked in fashion for eighteen years, and it’s also a FACT that nonchalance is so in right now.
London Fancy Dress Week is the time of the year where we all get to moan about how busy we are and how much of an inconvenience it is to be alive. If you have to talk to anyone this week you must start each response (regardless of subject matter ) with “Darling/hun I would love to, but it’s fashion week and I’m slammed/nutz/crazed.” In fact, just using that one letter, Z (pronounced “Zed”), will really give gravitas to your desperate situation, and nobody will dare ask you for a thing.
Use like this: “Doctor Zimmerman I’d love to take a deep breath before you enter that cold specula, but my uterus is so crazzzzzed right now, what with it being, ya know,London Fashion Week.”
On to dress code – Coco Chanel used to say that you should take off the last thing you put on, but don’t listen to that old crock. Simply cover yourself in glue and ram raid Claire’s Accessories in Lakeside. More is the new Less, which was formerly the new More. If that makes sense. Think earrings, glasses, tribal jewellery and around five belts. Now, look into the nearest mirror. Yeah, like what you see? Oh, check you out! Good work you! Now you are officially ready for Fashion Week.
So far the only thing I have to report is that Lisa from Big Brother walked the Vivienne Westwood Red Label runway, and, frankly, you could have knocked us all down with a Lagerfeld feather, because Lisa had the audacity to SMILE on the catwalk. Bloody amateur. Fashion Week Monday was completely ruined. What a cow.
More to come…
The Queen of Fancy Dress Week… so far
There are only a few windows of opportunity when celebrities like to showcase the fact that they’re absolutely nothing like everyday people. They’re special, they have all the right clothes. They’re beautiful. These times can be particularly difficult to stomach, mainly because they often involve the same gorgeous people who spend the rest of the year attempting to convince the world that they’re just like you and me – with their wellies on at Glasto, their cockney singing voices, their shaggy morning hair, their white nose globules. One such punch in the undercrackers comes during London Fancy Dress Week, when all the really gorgeous ones roll out in their weirdest frocks and trinkets to really hammer home just how square and pathetic you look in your outfit fusion of The Gap meets H&M, via Topshop. What are you? Anti-fashion? Or just naive?
So far at this year’s London Fancy Dress Week, we’ve been alienated (YET AGAIN) by the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof, and her sister – the professional model, Pixie. The latter was performing a daring up-and-down walk at Vivienne Westwood’s latest event, whilst the former looked on, sporting a set of magnificently large black shoes. Also in attendance was Boy George, 33.3 per cent of Girls Aloud, and Alexa Chung – the presenter with the horsy posh voice, and legs stolen from a sparrow. Her boyfriend is the sarcastic one from the Arctic Monkeys.
In another corner of town, Kate Moss has sent tongues aflutter by wearing a pair of old hotpants, with a jacket and a hat. Obviously there are no weather conditions that demand such a get up, so it’s an assumed fashion statement, which should presumably result in a sea of East London fedoras in the next few days. Keep an eye out for that. But the real star of the show so far has been Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud and having blonde hair fame. One celebrity journalist in particular is keen to point out that she enjoyed the warm reflective glory of six events in one evening, having chosen to leave the house in what they called a “wet look” dress. Thus far, she is the best fancy dresser. You go, sister!
News from the inside…
It’s such a fun time of year, London Fancy Dress Week. All the famous children – Geldofs, Lowe, Winston – get to pretend to be grown ups, and even Sienna Miller’s sister, Savannah, has been allowed to pose as a fashion designer. It’s great – like Stella McCartney all over again. So far, there have been a few gaffs – like girls wearing coats with skirts (come on, guys!), and at least ten models have been overheard making themselves violently sick in the ladies. But we wouldn’t have it any other way, because once the bone-shuddering humiliation of dressing up like a cowboy and keeping a straight face has dissolved, you can take away some excellent fashion lessons from this festival of idiots. This year, for example, we have learnt that everyone will be wearing wonderful scarlet outfits next autumn/winter. Time to stock up on red stuff, style junkies.
It’s tricky, choosing an outfit that goes with your great body. Here is a lesson in how to dress aggressively, yet elegantly.
Women, if you know what’s good for you…
With London Fancy Dress Week only a month away, you can sense the tension in the air. What can we possibly wear on our feet to impress visiting fashion designers and their dogs? People are literally going out of their minds. Thankfully, we have a finger very much in the plug of fashion, thanks to an ongoing friendship with an expert, playfully known as Oliver – like the orphan. He told us that guys can continue oscillating between pointed jester shoes and cowboy boots, while girls should be having a serious look at an angry young fashion rebel called Nicholas Kirkwood. According to Nicholas’ “people”: “Pointedly refusing to design flat-soled shoes, Nicholas Kirkwood’s heels imbue a powerful femininity within their wearer.”
You heard it here first, ladies. Now go! Imbue some femininity!