Is this woman really going to be FURIOUS?
History has gone a long way in proving that two or more beautiful women can comfortably occupy the same room without looking one another up and down, tutting, and muttering something about how they thought there was a no dogs allowed rule. Look at Charlie’s Angels – that was three great looking gals all getting along.Girls Aloud seem to enjoy one another’s company even though four fifths of them would probably tighten the most dour and limp of gentlemen’s chinos/trousers. In fact, these days it’s quite rare to see a lone beauty without another stunner in tow. In that sense, great looking women are a bit like magpies. And yet, certain sectors of hard celebrity journalism were winded this week by news that the poetically-named Michela Quattrociocche is heading to Liverpool with her football husband Alberto Aquilani. Another beautiful woman on Merseyside? They say. Alex Curran – ie. Mrs Steven Gerrard – will be completely rattled by this. So expect some frenzied body augmentation from Curran in preparation. Oh, and Michela, if you’re reading, don’t be afraid if you arrive in Liverpool and a man comes up to you hacking, coughing, a jerking his body around. It’s just Jamie Carragher. He’s saying “hello”.
In other important celebrity news, everyone appears to be getting the marijuana cigarettes out, as Kate Moss and Lily Allen enjoyed a zany smoke up. Followed a day later by the handsome Chris Evans lookalike Mick Hucknall, who once made this song, which we secretly really like…
The word oozing down from showbiz desks like slime leaking from a dying monster’s mouth and eyes is that Jude Law has been busily enjoying unprotected sex again – this time with models. In particular, a model called Samantha Burke, who graciously accepted the inside of Law’s underpants whilst he was taking a break from filming Sherlock Holmes, the Guy Ritchie interpretation – which, we presume, will surely feature a whiskey soaked cockney voice over, some right tarts, and a slow motion punch up. In fact, it was probably called Sherlock Faackin’ ‘olmes, you Jaffa before the censors got to it. Anyway, that’s all by the by, the point is that Law’s now put a baby inside this pouting glamour puss, and she wants REVENGE! Or, more specifically, money. Celebrity journalists are pleased to note that the actor has agreed to hurl part of his fortune at the kid, and might even incorporate the thing into his actual family, which already features a small flock of future Peaches Geldofs that he had with Sadie Frost.
In other massive celebrity news, Cheryl Cole left the entire showbusiness world in a stunned silence when she arrived home for work looking a little bit tired, and Lily Allen – the one that sings about the little things in life, somehow mistaking laborious monotony for something remotely profound – made a cock of herself by parading around with silver circles around her eyes. Celebrity journalists have been overheard guffawing over that one, before sniffing up more lines of expensive talc and snogging each other. Just how they roll.
What’s interesting about this birthday girl?
For those of you who like reading about famous people, we have been doing odds and ends for the wonderful grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week, we thought we’d cast a very judgmental eye over some beautiful celebrities (including Jennifer Lopez) who choose to settle down with rather unattractive young men. See what we had to say here.
In other exciting news, you can now follow us on Twitter by clicking on the little bird in the top right of your screen, or you can follow us on Facebook, and – AND ! – we’ve only recently launched Interestment Television, which will be growing and growing over the coming weeks and months. Plus, in super exciting news, there is an Interestment music and comedy night in the pipeline, much more on that to come….
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
Pop star is bananas
Wardrobe malfunctions have been cropping up all over the place recently. You can barely leave the house without a greeting from a passing gentleman’s groin, and no one has yet explained the white summer dress/black underpants no-no to half of the nation’s womenfolk. Or perhaps they have? Perhaps these women want the world to know that underneath their white summer dress they are wearing black underpants. Black as the night, and silky as a unicorn’s tail. Black underpants. Anyway, these kinds of wardrobe malfunctions weren’t a problem for the press until Lily Allen stumbled along to an art gallery yesterday, with at least one third of her boob area spilling from the side of what was otherwise a very demure outfit. One showbiz reporter in particular was surprised, but not shocked, insisting that this kind of thing has got Lily Allen written all over it. That Lily Allen. She’s so damn wild.
Elsewhere in the world, Eminem (below) has reacted badly to having another man’s rectum forced onto his nose. And Leona Lewis – once the star of X Factor, with Simon Cowell – has showed the world just how well she’s coping with life by wearing a top that enhances her cleavage. Good for her.
Celebrity fueds have been known to start out as a little bit of fun, just look at Tupac and Biggie Smalls. What started out as a my dad’s bigger than your dad escalated into my penis is more potent than your penis, then eventually resolved itself with my funeral’s better than your funeral. It was a crazy time, and proved to be a massive learning curve for the music industry. Now people hide their colours. Hide them real deep. Except, that is, for Lily Allen, who loves having a little dig at people. She’s already called Girls Aloud a bunch of troll faced bastards (or something), and now she’s launched headlong into a war of words with the amazing Scottish guy who looks set to run away with Britain’s Got Talent. “I don’t think she has an amazing voice,” blasted Allen, hurting absolutely everyone’s feelings. Showbiz reporters can’t believe it.
In other news, Beyonce Knowles left the gig reviewing world absolutely agog by performing a set of her songs in a pre-planned performance at the Millenium Dome. And Danielle Lloyd – famous for cackling at racist comments on Celebrity Big Brother – got into a scrap when she was only trying to enjoy a few cocktails at Crystal nightclub in fashionable London. One showbusiness reporter in particular can’t believe how mean people can be to one another. Here’s Danielle before the violent episode…
“Please stop taking your clothes off”
If you have ever been to London, chances are that you’ve already met the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof. She literally knows everyone. She’s really good friends with style icon Pixie Geldof, she’s always sharing milkshakes with supermodel Daisy Lowe, and we suspect that she gets along quite well with the legendary singer/songwriteress Lily Allen. All names you’ve probably heard from your Heat magazines, and your hours spent on MySpace looking for the next great band. All great women. All deep thinkers. And yet, it seems that a certain former punk rocker has forgotten what it’s like to be young and totally brilliant at everything, as Bob Geldof is – according to some very well placed showbusiness reporters – unhappy with his daughter’s unquenchable thirst for revolting whorish clothes. The word on the street is that he told her in February that enough was enough, but she was, like, “shut up Dad”, or something. Just this week she was spotted talking about herself outside one of London’s most selective wine bars.
In other womanly news, everyone is getting really excited about the Scottish guy on Britain’s Got Talent. And the showbiz world has been thrown into a stunned silence as pictures have surfaced of Beyonce on the beach wearing a gentleman’s shirt to cover up. One gossip reporter in particular is terrified that she might have lost confidence in her curves. And then what would happen? Women would literally kill themselves, that’s what. Here’s a picture of Beyonce before she shattered our dreams…
Oh, quite a few of you then…
Should your eyes still be hungry for more words, we have been doing odds and ends for the grown up gossip site, Hecklerspray. This week, we decided to shine a spotlight on a fistful of celebrities who look absolutely wonderful, but sound completely awful. You can read all about that here.
And for those totally sick of listening to Chris Moyles explaining how far he can jog, feel free to traipse along beside us on Twitter.