Yeah, she was there, dressed A BIT like this…
If you didn’t realise, it was the Pride of Britain Awards yesterday – yeah we weren’t invited either. But, even so, there was a rather ironic turn out, for the most part made up of people who had featured on reality shows, plus a couple of slightly impressive sportsmen. Their job was to sit back and slow-hand-clap normal people. Not celebrities. Normal people. The kind of normal, everyday people who they wouldn’t slow down to watch if they were cowering under a flurry of legs in a roadside beatdown. The kind of normal people they would sneer at if they dared request an autograph without any cameras watching. The kind of beautiful, normal people who had done something worthy of an air kiss from Myleene Klass, because they’re blind, but not moaning about it. Or they’ve had a torrid time of things, but can still muster a smile. Good people. Good, normal people. Yes sir, it was quite a night… judging by the snaps.
The extremely poor man’s Posh and Becks, Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff, were there – looking like the kind of couple who might normally spend the evening thrashing around in a rage of angry intercourse. Peter Andre thought he’d bury his woes, and attend wearing a black suit, with a black shirt, and a black tie. Lineker turned up with Bux. JLS blew out Movida with Gaffney and Bowers for the night, in order to further enhance their career credentials by wearing shiny suits, with one of them sporting a dickie bow/neck ribbon that you might find on a 19th Century dandy. Whilst Ronan Keating thought fashion be damned, as he oozed up and down the red carpet, in conflicting outfits – a posh dinner jacket, leather trousers, and a t-shirt. The word on the street is that his first option was going to be a cricket jumper and swimming knickers. We got off lightly.
Also in attendance was Abbey Clancy – the recipient of Peter Crouch’s thin, lizard-like tongue prods – wearing a see-through dress, over the top of another dress, and Kelly Brook, Emma Bunton, and Cheryl Cole all turned up in little black numbers! Cringe! Vernon Kay was there with his dead-eyed wife, and Konnie Huq from Blue Peter rolled up, as she generally tends to. She likes a free party, that Konnie Huq.
In other important celebrity updates, there’s a rumour going around that Justin Timberlake‘s swift hamster-like hands have been frenziedly scuttling around another woman’s taut, impressive figure. His girlfriend in America (below) will not be happy. And Anton Du Beke made a racist comment, then immediately said sorry… two weeks later.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
More shocking showbiz news
If you’re braving public transport this evening, prepare for an awkward, stunned silence. Kelly Brook has been photographed, on a film set, in a bikini. A bikini so shiny and red that King Cedric the Shiny would have definitely worn it when he was King of Russia, way back when. Before the whole revolution. It’s that shiny. Showbusiness desks have been quivering under the weight of such magnificent photographs, although one showbiz journalist in particular is appalled to see that they also feature a young American actress called Riley Steele, who has starred in all kinds of dirty films. What kind of people is Brook hanging out with now?
Elsewhere in the world, Posh Spice has blown everyone’s minds by turning up at an airport wearing a very savoury dinner jacket with some Daisy Duke style hot pants. Was she confused when she got dressed this morning? Or should we all be doing this now? Big throbbing showbiz minds are still discussing this with screaming fashion circles. We will get to the bottom of it. Plus Yasmina from The Apprentice is now the actual apprentice. Not stroke face Kate, who we thought was going to win.
Oh, quite a few of you then…
Should your eyes still be hungry for more words, we have been doing odds and ends for the grown up gossip site, Hecklerspray. This week, we decided to shine a spotlight on a fistful of celebrities who look absolutely wonderful, but sound completely awful. You can read all about that here.
And for those totally sick of listening to Chris Moyles explaining how far he can jog, feel free to traipse along beside us on Twitter.