The Queen of Fancy Dress Week… so far
There are only a few windows of opportunity when celebrities like to showcase the fact that they’re absolutely nothing like everyday people. They’re special, they have all the right clothes. They’re beautiful. These times can be particularly difficult to stomach, mainly because they often involve the same gorgeous people who spend the rest of the year attempting to convince the world that they’re just like you and me – with their wellies on at Glasto, their cockney singing voices, their shaggy morning hair, their white nose globules. One such punch in the undercrackers comes during London Fancy Dress Week, when all the really gorgeous ones roll out in their weirdest frocks and trinkets to really hammer home just how square and pathetic you look in your outfit fusion of The Gap meets H&M, via Topshop. What are you? Anti-fashion? Or just naive?
So far at this year’s London Fancy Dress Week, we’ve been alienated (YET AGAIN) by the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof, and her sister – the professional model, Pixie. The latter was performing a daring up-and-down walk at Vivienne Westwood’s latest event, whilst the former looked on, sporting a set of magnificently large black shoes. Also in attendance was Boy George, 33.3 per cent of Girls Aloud, and Alexa Chung – the presenter with the horsy posh voice, and legs stolen from a sparrow. Her boyfriend is the sarcastic one from the Arctic Monkeys.
In another corner of town, Kate Moss has sent tongues aflutter by wearing a pair of old hotpants, with a jacket and a hat. Obviously there are no weather conditions that demand such a get up, so it’s an assumed fashion statement, which should presumably result in a sea of East London fedoras in the next few days. Keep an eye out for that. But the real star of the show so far has been Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud and having blonde hair fame. One celebrity journalist in particular is keen to point out that she enjoyed the warm reflective glory of six events in one evening, having chosen to leave the house in what they called a “wet look” dress. Thus far, she is the best fancy dresser. You go, sister!
This lady has gone WILD
Probably the best thing about being a celebrity is that you can wow people with a new look. Take David Beckham’s wife – every time she slides a toe out of her front door, all of the neighbours gather outside to see what she might be wearing today. It could be a dress, they whisper. Or might she have trousers on? Some are convinced that skirts are more her thing right now. And, yet, every single time, she blows our minds. In recent weeks, there have been sweepstakes suggesting that she might one day take to the streets in a set of baggy knickers and wellington boots. We live in hope. The latest famous lady to send shockwaves around the planet is Rachel Stevens – once of progressive rock group, S Club 7 – who thought she’d turn up to an awards do with curly hair! That’s right, curly hair! She’s never had curly hair before, insists on journalist in particular. Is she trying to copy someone else who she saw with curly hair? Should we all have curly hair now? Is this terrible news for people who manufacture hair straighteners? Is this ironic curly hair? Or serious curly hair? So many questions to answer, news desks have been left in a state of total panic. The rest of us have been calmly getting perms.
Elsewhere in the world, Kate Moss turned up at the same awards bash as Curly Sue up there, and was apparently very drunk for most of the show. None of this was helped, of course, by the free booze that was flowing… well, rather like champagne at an awards ceremony. And across town, the bearded pipe-smoking women who like to vote on the Mercury Music Prize decided that a young female rapper called Speech Debelle should be this year’s M People. Here she is…
Is this woman really going to be FURIOUS?
History has gone a long way in proving that two or more beautiful women can comfortably occupy the same room without looking one another up and down, tutting, and muttering something about how they thought there was a no dogs allowed rule. Look at Charlie’s Angels – that was three great looking gals all getting along.Girls Aloud seem to enjoy one another’s company even though four fifths of them would probably tighten the most dour and limp of gentlemen’s chinos/trousers. In fact, these days it’s quite rare to see a lone beauty without another stunner in tow. In that sense, great looking women are a bit like magpies. And yet, certain sectors of hard celebrity journalism were winded this week by news that the poetically-named Michela Quattrociocche is heading to Liverpool with her football husband Alberto Aquilani. Another beautiful woman on Merseyside? They say. Alex Curran – ie. Mrs Steven Gerrard – will be completely rattled by this. So expect some frenzied body augmentation from Curran in preparation. Oh, and Michela, if you’re reading, don’t be afraid if you arrive in Liverpool and a man comes up to you hacking, coughing, a jerking his body around. It’s just Jamie Carragher. He’s saying “hello”.
In other important celebrity news, everyone appears to be getting the marijuana cigarettes out, as Kate Moss and Lily Allen enjoyed a zany smoke up. Followed a day later by the handsome Chris Evans lookalike Mick Hucknall, who once made this song, which we secretly really like…
It ain’t this guy…
It’s never anything less than a total joy to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today we hear from Richard – a very clever man with a sharp wit. He likes to know what the hell is going on in the world, and then he reports back with his findings. Just this week, he arched a beautiful eyebrow, and had a look at Iran. He had this to say…
We’ve heard a great deal about Iran recently. Indeed, every time I pick up a copy of the Tehran Times it’s Iran this, Iranian that, but what exactly is Iran? I did a spot of research and found that Iran is a Somalian model, married to David Bowie.
All very well you might think, but why has she been attracting so much publicity recently? Well, after yet more research I can exclusively reveal that she is currently the subject of a power struggle, featuring a whole host of Persians – many of whom have beards.
The next point of note is that Iran has a president, something that is common across all of the modeling community; Naomi has Hugo Chavez to push her psychotic buttons, Kate is run by a chap named Robert Mugabe – with very little wastage, while it’s left to Francois Mitterrand to be in charge of Gisele – a role he performs excellently despite the subtle disadvantage of having died in 1996.
Iran’s president is a man called Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is popularly known as M’ahm. But unlike these other Presidents, M’ahm isn’t actually in charge, instead being subservient to a Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.
So he’s in charge?
Well, yes and no. As the title suggests, he’s a pretty powerful chap – who even has minions to perform such banal tasks as putting on his glasses in the morning, putting on his snood in the evening, tidying up his cuticles, and washing his car (a Saab 9000). But he in turn is constrained by an Assembly of Experts (86 Islamic Clerics), which in turn is regulated by the Guardian Council (12 Theologians), which in turn is limited by the Expediency Council (34 Beards and other demographics of facial hair such as Moustaches, Lamb Chop Sideburns and Goatees).
The chairman of this pogonotrophic cluster is Akbar Rafsanjani (a Moustache), who in a bizarre twist of fate was the beaten Presidential candidate when M’ahm came to power. Hilarious. He’s quite powerful too, but is in turn constrained by pretty much everyone else (including the snood).
With such a confused brain, it’s no wonder that poor Iran married the Thin White Duke in the first place. The very fact that she’s able to control five of her functioning limbs at all comes down to an arm of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard (the fifth limb) called the Basij.
The Basij is responsible for helping Iran go about her daily chores, such as getting down to the other end of the catwalk, spinning around a couple of times, standing still, and walking back into the dressing room where at the end of the day she smokes a cigarette (a Woodbine) before bed.
Made up of boys from poor, rural, religious areas, the Basij make all this happen using nothing more than axes, daggers, sticks and zeal, which is fairly impressive and not at all scary for the 70 million people that live in Iran. Because yes, despite her slender frame, Iran spends her free time lying flat to the ground as a Central Eurasian Republic!
Amazing stuff. Well done Iran!
Model rubs shoulders with normals…
Now that there are five functioning channels on the average television set, it’s easy to become famous. Chances are that you’ve either got a close friend who has enjoyed a decent level of celebrity, or you might even have enjoyed an evening of chocolates and sexual intercourse with someone who popped up on X Factor. Hence, the rich and good looking have been slowly oozing into normal society for the last decade, and nowadays many of them live their lives on our doorsteps. Some even eat the same food as us. We enjoy nothing more than spotting them.
Just this week, friend of the site Rob enjoyed staring into the eyes of Preston – of Ordinary Boys and Chantelle Houghton fame. “I saw him in Brighton, just walking around,” says Rob. On a similar fame level, an Interestment outing was disturbed for a couple of seconds by the face of the angry bloke from This Is England. But the winner of this week’s Interestment Mix Tape – featuring Eric B and Rakim, James Brown and Television – is Matt, who spotted a skinny woman called Kate Moss smoking a cigarette outside a trendy bowling alley in London. “She was talking really really loudly,” he complained. Great spot, Matt.
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