Dares to look nice in swimming gear…
It’s been the phenomenon of the summer, this new breed of elderly women that dare to pass 40 and still look sexually attractive with their clothes off. As everyone of sound mind knows, once you pass 40, it’s time to slowly remove yourself from society and silently allow all of your body parts to embark on their slow descent towards your knees. That way, once you reach actual old age, you might resemble an owl wearing a flesh poncho. That’s the aim anyway. Or, should we say, that WAS the aim? Because now, there is a whole host of elderly rebels – led by the one-time supermodel Cindy Crawford – who have stuck a middle finger up to the heavens and insisted on maintaining their gorgeousness for as long as they bloody well like. It’s a brave, terrifying move, and just today showbusiness desks all around London have been thrown into a petrified silence by pictures of Sadie Frost – the one who bore Jude Law a mighty litter of will-be Pixie Geldofs – bouncing around in Ibiza, wearing a bikini, looking magnificent, like someone in their 20s. One celebrity journalist in particular seems aghast that this woman can be 44.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, the irreverent celebrity sites – ie. just the same as Heat, only with the occasional “shit” thrown in to show how dangerous and unbelievably irreverent they are – have been all over the ongoing Andre and Jordan saga like dogs-on-string sniffing around rancid festival toilets. And Keisha from the Sugababes (below) went out for a few drinks and got totally drunk.
Girl wears bikini in pool
When the plump-lipped mouth of fame kisses you, everything changes. It seems like only a few long years ago that Louis Walsh was the squealing thorn between Pete Waterman and Geri Halliwell’s roses on Popstars: The Rivals, a show which set out to find the next Beatles. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, George Harrison, Sarah Harding and Davey Jones walked through those studio doors and sang their little hearts out. They were all plump bearded women, hence, once the band was formed, they were immediately ordered to lose five stone each, wax their faces, and start working on their bikini bodies. Fast forward almost twenty years, and showbusiness desks all around London are steaming up as pictures of the girls land on their desks with unnerving regularity. Just yesterday, both Nadine and Cheryl were the focus of hysterical chit-chat in numerous VIP sections and shared toilet cubicles. Nadine, bless her, has been spotted sunning herself alongside giraffe-alike posho Lady Victoria Hervey. She’s wearing a bikini, which one showbiz reporter in particular seems to think is a wise summer choice.
Elsewhere in the world, Cheryl Cole left onlookers agog by wearing a dress so short that you could make out almost every last centimetre of her oily stick-thin legs. “They look great,” insists one journalist in particular, obviously confusing the words like pipe cleaners for the word great. And in non-Girls Aloud news, Jordan accidentally exited a taxi without showing the world her genitals.
Beware of the dog
As we slip ever further into the deep financial winter, don’t be surprised to find a shift in the clientele at TK Maxx. Once home to a million angry teens with huge diamond studs, all waddling aggressively in search of nifty looking street gear, you might spot one or two rather more swarthy types sweeping through the polo shirt section. Or perhaps you will catch the scent of something sexy and French amidst the usual cloud of Stunning by Jordan? These are strange, higgledy-piggledy times. Which is why we exhale enormously and punch the skies above whenever we hear about excellent finds in second hand shops. Just today, friend of the site Ethan stumbled across an astonishingly good read in his local RSPCA shop. “I’ve been signing on for the last couple of months, so was really on the lookout for a cheap book, when I saw The Hound of The Baskervilles,” he told us, taking a sharp drag on a tiny rolled up cigarette that looked like it was burning his fingers, “I practically had to wrestle it off and old man who’d spotted it as well.” The good news is that Ethan won that particular dog fight, and went home with probably Sherlock Holmes‘ most excellent adventure. So come of, E-man, how much for this wonderful tale of hounds and Baskervilles? “40p”
Tennis player, or sex kitten, Mr Stich?
Ask any gentleman fan of women’s tennis about the appeal of the game, and he will tell you that he prefers watching the ladies half of the competition because the games are harder to call and it’s more of a level playing field. He’ll remind you that Federer and Sampras have rendered the men’s draw damn near pointless, with their superior power play, and knack of winning year after year. All great points, very valid, but you might have noticed that the man blushed so hard when you asked him the question that little beads of sweat actually zoomed down his face and dripped from his nose throughout his very well balanced, lucid argument. You might also have noticed that when you listed players like Sharapova, Ivanovic and, from the past, Kournikova, he let out a small moan and crossed his legs. After three minutes of quizzing, he abruptly asked you to leave the room for eight minutes. It’s because he is most likely from the Michael Stich school of Wimbledon opinion. Just yesterday the former men’s champ left the sport world rocked with claims that the Wimbledon ladies are just there “to sell sex”. “They pay attention to their looks and everything,” he told a startled reporter, who could not believe what he was hearing. Which of these prostitutes he fancies to win, we’re not entirely sure. The above picture is Maria Kirilenko, by the way. She isn’t a hooker.
Elsewhere in the world of small clothes, Jordan has been continuing her quest to find sanctuary away from Peter Andre’s throbbing pecs. She’s in Ibiza. And Mel B enjoyed a birthday party in Vegas wearing just a very small bikini. As previously reported, the celebrity world is still stunned into silent awe at the state of her muscular stomach. She appears to be reveling in the aging process, reveals one celebrity journalist in particular.
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
Does not look like this all the time…
Clusters of showbiz reporters have been swallowing wildly to stop themselves from vomitting after seeing pictures of a supermodel without any make-up on. One in particular could not believe that it was the same person. She looked so appalling, so pale, so normal. The model in question is Helena Christensen, who dares to be known as a supermodel, and yet appears quite happy to walk around in public wearing clothes that a civilian might wear. Where is her designer clobber? Why is she not shiny and resplendent? Was it not Maybelline that told us that maybe she was born with it? Did not L’Oreal insist, quite publicly, that these kinds of women were worth it? The entertainment industry and fashion world have both been united under a startled silence. Thanks Helena. On a more positive note, she has made up for it by going to a party looking nice again. So, almost forgiven.
In other news, Kerry Katona managed to make it through a television interview without coming across like she’d just spent the preceding three hours sniffing glue from a plastic bag. And Jordan – of Peter Andre heartbreak fame – has rendered one showbiz reporter agog by appearing on a catwalk looking quite thin. Is she on hunger strike? Here she is in happier times…
It’s the tale of two women…
For those who don’t watch blockbusters based on old toys, Megan Fox was in Transformers. She played Optimus Prime (we think). She was also in another children’s movie called Whore. So, yeah, she’s quite a big deal right now over in Hollywood, and one showbiz reporter in particualr couldn’t believe it when he saw some recent photographs of her. The pictures in question were paparazzi photographs of her being photographed – which surely creates some kind of weird vortex, like holding a mirror up to a mirror. “She looks so glamourous,” purred the journalist, before saying something about how she’s normally such a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of gal. And yet, there she is, glammed up. A Hollywood actress. Actually glammed up. Just standing there. All dazzling and glammed up. We were totally gobsmacked too.
In other news, Dane Bowers – the UK’s answer to Justin Timberlake – has been spotted skulking around at Jordan’s house. And Susan Boyle, the Scottish gentleman who looks a shoo-in for Britain’s Got Talent, has been overheard going ballistic because someone said something nice about the little Welsh lad with the Aretha Franklin voice.
That’s right, this Peter Andre…
For those of you still craving words about famous people, we have been doing bits and pieces for the excellent grown up gossip site, Hecklerspray. Today we thought we’d use the power of lists to dry Peter Andre’s salty post-Jordan tears. Read all about that here.
Not any more, not any more…
Were you to ask a group of teenagers whether they honestly believe in true love, they will tell you that they do. Yes sir. They didn’t always. No sir. But now they do. Why? Because of Peter Andre. Because of Jordan. Because of that fateful day when Peter sat on a log in the jungle singing a song he’d just made up called Woman, You Rule My LIFE to the half naked glamour model. That day the impossible became possible. His erection was proof that true love really does exist.
Granted, the majority of the above paragraph is either made up or hugely embellished, but that hasn’t stopped the celebrity world from reeling at the news that the Tescos version of Posh and Becks (who, by the way, are the Sainsburys equivalent of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) have decided to hang up their shared silken bedsheets, and go hunting for someone else to have intercourse with. They seemed so perfect, him with his songs, her with her big fake bosoms. But now they’re gone. Christ. Why? Why God? Why?
In other news, one of the Westlife singers has married his actress girlfriend.
Texture like sun, apparently…
It only seems like a few days ago when we wowed the planet into a trembling quiet with our suggestion that Charlie Watts write an autobiography called Sticks and Stones, and now the suggestions are flying in like turbo-charged bumble bees. First excellent maker of comments, Spencer, wanted Leene on Me. Then tremendous Welshman Daf called for E.M.I.N on Emin – someone from the European Migration Information Network appreciating Tracey Emin. And now Monkeytennis, a funny chap, has waded in with a handful of crackers:
Moron Moore on Michelmore – Michael Moore takes a lighthearted look at the life and times of Cliff Michelmore.
Waugh on War – a self explanatory epic.
Dixie Chicks on X-rated Flicks – C&W’s most outspoken band review the latest top shelf video releases.
Fox on Socks – Emilia Fox takes us through her sock drawer.
Other brilliant titles include:
Jordan on Jordan – the popular singer/model explains that she’s never been to the Middle East but that her and Peter have been to Norfolk and that was quite nice. Thanks to excellent contributor Debs for that one.
And Gordon Brown: Texture Like Sun from the brilliant/handsome Welshman, Daf.
Can you think of a good one? Come on, don’t be shy. Let us know with a comment…