Tag Archive: Jessica Biel

  • Showbusiness: Ooh, an awards show! An awards show!

    Yeah, she was there, dressed A BIT like this…

    Brook black dress

    If you didn’t realise, it was the Pride of Britain Awards yesterday – yeah we weren’t invited either. But, even so, there was a rather ironic turn out, for the most part made up of people who had featured on reality shows, plus a couple of slightly impressive sportsmen. Their job was to sit back and slow-hand-clap normal people. Not celebrities. Normal people. The kind of normal, everyday people who they wouldn’t slow down to watch if they were cowering under a flurry of legs in a roadside beatdown. The kind of normal people they would sneer at if they dared request an autograph without any cameras watching. The kind of beautiful, normal people who had done something worthy of an air kiss from Myleene Klass, because they’re blind, but not moaning about it. Or they’ve had a torrid time of things, but can still muster a smile. Good people. Good, normal people. Yes sir, it was quite a night… judging by the snaps.

    The extremely poor man’s Posh and Becks, Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff, were there – looking like the kind of couple who might normally spend the evening thrashing around in a rage of angry intercourse. Peter Andre thought he’d bury his woes, and attend wearing a black suit, with a black shirt, and a black tie. Lineker turned up with Bux. JLS blew out Movida with Gaffney and Bowers for the night, in order to further enhance their career credentials by wearing shiny suits, with one of them sporting a dickie bow/neck ribbon that you might find on a 19th Century dandy. Whilst Ronan Keating thought fashion be damned, as he oozed up and down the red carpet, in conflicting outfits – a posh dinner jacket, leather trousers, and a t-shirt. The word on the street is that his first option was going to be a cricket jumper and swimming knickers. We got off lightly.

    Also in attendance was Abbey Clancy – the recipient of Peter Crouch’s thin, lizard-like tongue prods – wearing a see-through dress, over the top of another dress, and Kelly Brook, Emma Bunton, and Cheryl Cole all turned up in little black numbers! Cringe! Vernon Kay was there with his dead-eyed wife, and Konnie Huq from Blue Peter rolled up, as she generally tends to. She likes a free party, that Konnie Huq.

    In other important celebrity updates, there’s a rumour going around that Justin Timberlake‘s swift hamster-like hands have been frenziedly scuttling around another woman’s taut, impressive figure. His girlfriend in America (below) will not be happy. And Anton Du Beke made a racist comment, then immediately said sorry… two weeks later.

    Jessica Biel

  • New A-Team line up REVEALED!

    Find out what these tough guys look like now…

    The A Team

    We’ve all pictured ourselves in the A-Team at one time or another. In fact, so defined are the character traits of each member, that most groups of friends have something of the A-Team about them anyway. There’s the level headed leader, Hannibal, the sexy one who always seems to get laid, Face, the one who loves milk, adores fights, but hates flying, B.A, then there’s the one with post-traumatic stress disorder after shooting people up in ‘Nam, who ended up as a fruitcake in an institution, Murdock. You might as well be describing any young group of friends. Plus, not forgetting the sexy girl that keeps hanging around, who will surely end up sweating beneath Face-Man‘s oily torso, but not before giving Hannibal and B.A a bout of the horny-joes, and probably driving Murdock into a psychotic frenzy of self-love. Yep, just another day, another merry band of mercenaries. Who, by the way, are about to be flung back together for a full scale action movie, under the direction of Joe Carnahan, who made Smokin’ Aces. This time around, the line up will include: Liam Neeson reprising his Oskar Schindler role, only under the guise of Hannibal Smith. Bradley Cooper from The Hangover is playing Face. A relatively unknown actor called Sharlto Copley will be doing an impression of a total nutcase, as Howling Mad Murdock. There’s a wrestler out there called Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, currently wandering around LA shouting “I pity the fool” at inopportune moments – he’s B.A. And the beautiful actress Jessica Biel – her who receives Timberlake’s cat-like kisses on a regular basis – will be playing Amy, the sex kitten. Shouldn’t be too much of a stretch, that one.

    And, lucky for us, we’ve gotten hold of a copy of the FIRST CAST PHOTO. Enjoy…

    New A Teams

  • Showbusiness: Coleen’s baby, and a celebrity bottom!

    Not too posh, apparently

    coleen

    People talk of the miracle of childbirth – the word miracle painting pictures of velvet pillows, great looking doctors, and babies floating effortlessly into the world. And yet, the last time we were in biology class, babies came out shouting, fathers wept, and mothers finally gave in and allowed each orifice to explode one by one. In short, it looked like something that rich people should probably avoid. Not a problem, however, for Coleen Rooney – the wife of the great looking Man United star, Wayne. No sir. She has insisted that she actually wants to allow the small baby growing inside her the exit her body in the natural manner. Like it might from a poor person. “Not to posh to push, me,” she tells readers of the highly thought of celebrity pamphlet, OK! Good for her.

    In other news, Jessica Biel (below) – an actress who is famous for enduring Justin Timberlake’s moist hands and wet kisses – has wowed pretty much the entire celebrity world by having a great bottom. One celebrity reporter can’t believe how similar it is to Jennifer Lopez’s one. Are they sisters?

    (no, they’re not)

    jessica-biel