Cold drinks that make you go YUM
Walk through the park during a sunny afternoon, and you will see grown adults lying face down, passed out. They’re too hot. They were overconfident. They thought they could just wander into a park empty handed and survive. Luckily for them, no one will notice – they’ll just assume sunbather or drunk – and they should come to before sundown. They would be wise, however, to learn from this. Sunshine on an empty stomach can be a killer, and liquids are essential. During the Winter, the popular drink/snack of choice is soup – a hot mixture of vegetables, sometimes with added meats. The Summer equivalent of soup is milkshake, which finds cow’s milk shaked with ice cream. It wasn’t always like that, by the way. Back in the late 1800s, a milkshake was a strange concoction of eggs, whiskey and milk. Then in around 1940 they became the staple palate cleanser in McDonalds. Anyway, the point is that you should be enjoying at least two of these a day according to experts – a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch etc… – but rather than join the snaking queues of school kids slaloming around the street from Maccy-D’s, just make your own at home!
You will need:
1. Some ice cream
2. Some milk
3. A blender
Now, simply put your ice cream in a blender, then add half of that amount in milk. So, if you’re using two pints of ice cream, you’ll need a pint of milk. If you’re going for a pint of ice cream, you’ll only need half a pint of milk. Incidentally, the two pints of ice cream option should make about four of the things. Or even five. You can use any flavour of ice cream you like, you can pimp up the shake by adding bits of choc, or espresso coffee, or sweets. Then blitz it until it looks like the ones you get from McDonalds, and bosh. Milkshake.
Make your own!
Wow, what a weekend. Thanks to a gaping hole in the Ozone Layer, mega-beams of flaming hot sunshine spent most of Sunday afternoon making people either pass out, burn, or shriek their way to a skin bubbling grave in one of Britain’s many undiscovered deserts. It was excellent, and it was all thanks to mankind. Great big lovely mankind that might be in the grips of a potential arms race, and might be full of cretins with ironic haircuts and beards, but a mankind that also knows how to correctly spray a can of Right Guard to ensure better weather for the children of the future, so that they can at least enjoy Armageddon with a nice tan. Good for mankind. And good for Picnic Season too, because as the sunshine thunders down, all the coolest kids can be found piling drinks into a cool box, and thinly sliced meats into a lovely straw suitcase. Then there they lie, folding sensual treats into their mouths, laughing together, drinking together. Probably loving together. Unfortunately, the image is slightly marred by the mobs of Barbecue Boys in the background clumsily attempting to steamroller one another. A horrible, horrible bunch.
Still, to celebrate Picnic Season, we have flung open the Interestment Cook Book, and tracked down recipes so simple that even your stupid cat would understand them straight away. Today, Strawberry Yoghurt Ice Cream. The ultimate palate cleanser.
You will need:
1. 500g of delicious strawberries.
2. 125g of caster sugar.
3. 1 tbsp of lemon juice.
4. 200ml of full cream yoghurt.
5. 4 tpsp of milk.
6. The zest of one lemon.
Firstly, wash your strawbs, remove the green bits, then blitz them in a blender. Pass your puree through a fine sieve, then add about half of the sugar and all of the lemon juice to the mixture. Mix it all around. Then, in a completely separate bowl, put the yoghurt, the rest of the sugar, the milk, and the zest. Smash it all around with the best whisk you can find, then add the nice strawberry puree and mix it all together until it’s a lovely thick pink goo. Now just put it in the freezer, and leave it to turn into tasty frozen yoghurt. Bosh.
It’s quite simple really…
It’s so close, people. After decades of leaving our cars running and secretly spraying Right Guard into the stratosphere when no one was looking, those long hot summers that we’ve always dreamed of are very nearly here. Soon, it’s going to be scorching all year long. Good for us. This, of course, means two things – it’s time to spruce up your Spring/Summer wardrobe, and high time you learnt to make your own ice cream. It’s actually quite easy. Here’s how to make a yummy homemade vanilla…
1. 1.2 litres of milk – everyone owns milk, even tramps.
2. 15 egg yolks – steal these from a chicken.
3. 350g caster sugar – borrow this from an old woman.
4. 1 vanilla pod – sprint into town and hysterically search for this. You’ll find it.
5. 350ml whipping cream – who doesn’t have whipping cream?
Now, heat up the milk and vanilla pod in a saucepan until it’s boiling. Then put it to one side. Beat the yokes with the caster sugar until your arm aches, and the mixture is nice and creamy, then add the hot milk, stirring as you go. Put the whole lot back onto a hob, but now on a low heat until it thickens. Once thick enough, take it off the heat and leave it to cool, it needs to get very cold. Next, whip the cream until it’s good and thick, but not totally stiff and unmanageable. Now finish off by folding the cream into the cooled milky eggness and pop it all in the freezer. One frozen, bosh, ice cream. Done.
Dayward, Ice Cream
At 38, Stan Collymore should still be playing professional football for England, but instead he’s living it up as a pundit, and today he’s celebrating his birthday. As ever, a bloodbath ensued when presents were mentioned, one half violently protesting in favour of an excellent new song from Bristol, while the other half became hysterical, screaming something about a twenty pound book token. In the end, a truce was called, and we got him both. Happy Birthday Stan!