Feed your mind, and your TAN!
Ahhh, the blazing sun, soft sand sticking to your post-swim shorts/knickers, a bottle of cola that started cold but is now bubbling and hot – these, friends, are perfect reading conditions. In fact, we’ve probably read more books on holiday than anywhere else, but there is an enormous difference between a holiday book and any other kind of book. It needs to have just the right bounce, pace and vibe to get you through a decent sunbathe without upsetting you too much or forcing you to consider the deep moralities of life. Hence, you won’t see many topless sunbathers dipping into Last Exit to Brooklyn, or attempting to decipher James Ellroy. As youngsters we enjoyed the wonderful Sweet Valley High books on summer camping holidays, but what should we be taking with us as grown ups?
Leave your suggestions below, or email [email protected]
Girl wears bikini in pool
When the plump-lipped mouth of fame kisses you, everything changes. It seems like only a few long years ago that Louis Walsh was the squealing thorn between Pete Waterman and Geri Halliwell’s roses on Popstars: The Rivals, a show which set out to find the next Beatles. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, George Harrison, Sarah Harding and Davey Jones walked through those studio doors and sang their little hearts out. They were all plump bearded women, hence, once the band was formed, they were immediately ordered to lose five stone each, wax their faces, and start working on their bikini bodies. Fast forward almost twenty years, and showbusiness desks all around London are steaming up as pictures of the girls land on their desks with unnerving regularity. Just yesterday, both Nadine and Cheryl were the focus of hysterical chit-chat in numerous VIP sections and shared toilet cubicles. Nadine, bless her, has been spotted sunning herself alongside giraffe-alike posho Lady Victoria Hervey. She’s wearing a bikini, which one showbiz reporter in particular seems to think is a wise summer choice.
Elsewhere in the world, Cheryl Cole left onlookers agog by wearing a dress so short that you could make out almost every last centimetre of her oily stick-thin legs. “They look great,” insists one journalist in particular, obviously confusing the words like pipe cleaners for the word great. And in non-Girls Aloud news, Jordan accidentally exited a taxi without showing the world her genitals.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
Jesus is a friend of mine
In his life, Frank Bough has had it all – great jobs on Grandstand and Holiday, a big cocaine habit, excellent jumpers. Not to mention his strange and intriguing sex life. So we had absolutely no idea what to get him for his 76th birthday. It boiled down to a toss up between some fantastic Christian pop music or a DVD of the Vietnam film, Hamburger Hill. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Monsieur Boff!