A round up of today’s guff from tomorrow’s chip wrapping…
First, X factor news! At the Pride of Britain Awards, Louis Walsh announced that he has already given up on producing the winning act this year. Clearly still unsatisfied with the stifling amount of tact in the room, he proceeded to defend his unpopular championing of the Grimes Brothers by quipping, “being a popstar isn’t all about being a good singer. Look at Kylie!” Ahem. Moving on…
Bomb headlines!: Safety watchdogs, bored of laughing at CCTV of enraged holiday makers removing their shoes and crawling through tunnels at airport check-in, may introduce full body security X rays. This is due to the rising number of body bombers who insert explosives into their cavities to escape detection (although surely the way they walk might give it away). “While not wanting to be alarmist, I admit this [new trend] is alarming,” said Richard Barrett, the head of UN’s Taliban monitoring group – without irony.
In celebworld: Tennis hunk Serena Williams (pictured) said that she doesn’t like her body, shortly before getting totally naked on the cover of ESPN (European Sports People Naked) magazine, Elizabeth Taylor subtly announced her heart op on Twitter, and Girls Aloud clone Nicola Roberts spoke out on her growing confidence as a member of Britain’s shiniest pop hydra: “I don’t feel like the ugly one any more,” she said. Before looking at photographs of the other four and silently rethinking what she’d just said.
Entertainment just in: The BBC is tightening up on swearing; pre and post watershed. It’s understood that the rules will target the “three strongest swearwords in the English language”. Meaning no place for the c-word, the f-word, and the one about effing people’s mothers. We think. Plus, possibly the one which combines the s-word and the c-word to create a super-swearword that sounds a bit like chipmunk.
And finally: Drug-driving is on the increase and Welsh police will be the first to use road-side drugalyzers to catch high motorists. However, as the devices are not yet government approved, drivers are not obliged to submit to testing and if found to be high, police cannot prosecute. However it is illegal for a policeman to allow someone under the influence to get back in their car. To save on time wasting, the North Wales constabulary have cut out the middle-man and simply started arresting themselves.
Couple of lovely jumpers, there
What a London Fancy Dress Week – a gang of furious trendy-bendies went loco outside the Westwood show, because they couldn’t get in even though they had front row tickets, and another model size debate kicked off. Over at Mark Fast’s knitwear show, he sent out models of sizes 12 and 14. Sweet Jesus. Look at those numbers. Aren’t models supposed to look like giant lollypops? Was it not the fancy dress world that made a rule about runway girls having sparrow legs and breezy malnourished prisms where a stomach should be? Mark’s stylist, Erika Kurihara, was so angered by these normal-sized women that she allegedly walked out. Hopefully they’ve kissed and made up by now, and are currently gorging themselves on pies and lard.
At Fashion Fringe, four young aspiring designers with astronomical haircuts battled it out for the big prize of cash and support to make nice frocks and blouses. There was a world of pink happening, and plenty of very tall girls walking up and down a catwalk as if an invisible hand were slowly dragging them by the pelvis. Colin McDowell’s team of judges, including Donatella Versace, ended up choosing the gorgeous collection of Jena. Theo. Incidentally, did you know that Donatella’s name comes from combining the key elements that make up her skin tone and texture? Doner meat and Nutella. It’s a fact. Seriously, check Wikipedia… actually don’t. Just trust me.
Celebrity guests included Little Boots who was wearing shoes, and The Prawn from Girls Aloud. Or, at least, I think it was her. I didn’t want to get too close, as I’m allergic to shellfish. And Wotsits.
Yes, people saw everything… ie. nipple
Science is great, it teaches us everything we need to know about breathing oxygen in, and carbon dioxide out. Without it, we wouldn’t know that bubbling water equals hot water, so amongst many other great life lessons, it’s prevented lots of embarrassing burns related humiliations. Plus, more recently, science has brought to our attention exactly what happens when a flash camera comes into near-contact with a silky black top – it renders the flimsy blouse almost entirely see-through. Hence, the clever celebrities who read books and manuals now know to pop on an undergarment if they’re heading into a heavily policed paparazzi zone wearing a sexy little black number. But unfortunately, it appears that the mathletes in Girls Aloud don’t bother with education now that they’re famous, so when Nadine Coyle – the lead singer, and third most beautiful – decided to swan around LA in a black top minus a supportive bra, those with cameras were placed on full nipple alert. And bingo, the circular Irish private part has zipped around celebrity news desks, leaving one particular journalist guffawing into his large cappuccino, wondering whether she’s done the whole thing on purpose, so that people might take her seriously as a solo artist. An argument that would suggest that she does understand important scientific logic after all. Have we been wrong all along about these girls?
In other important celebrity news, one or two members of the high ranking showbiz press are astonished that Helena Bonham Carter opted to wear a certain red swimming costume on holiday, as they have issues with what the garment is doing to her figure, particularly around the buttock area. And over in sunny England, Mark Owen is making an honest man of himself by marrying his girlfriend.
Girl wears bikini in pool
When the plump-lipped mouth of fame kisses you, everything changes. It seems like only a few long years ago that Louis Walsh was the squealing thorn between Pete Waterman and Geri Halliwell’s roses on Popstars: The Rivals, a show which set out to find the next Beatles. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, George Harrison, Sarah Harding and Davey Jones walked through those studio doors and sang their little hearts out. They were all plump bearded women, hence, once the band was formed, they were immediately ordered to lose five stone each, wax their faces, and start working on their bikini bodies. Fast forward almost twenty years, and showbusiness desks all around London are steaming up as pictures of the girls land on their desks with unnerving regularity. Just yesterday, both Nadine and Cheryl were the focus of hysterical chit-chat in numerous VIP sections and shared toilet cubicles. Nadine, bless her, has been spotted sunning herself alongside giraffe-alike posho Lady Victoria Hervey. She’s wearing a bikini, which one showbiz reporter in particular seems to think is a wise summer choice.
Elsewhere in the world, Cheryl Cole left onlookers agog by wearing a dress so short that you could make out almost every last centimetre of her oily stick-thin legs. “They look great,” insists one journalist in particular, obviously confusing the words like pipe cleaners for the word great. And in non-Girls Aloud news, Jordan accidentally exited a taxi without showing the world her genitals.
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
Han Solo, PI
It’s official, our homosexual friends will be in mourning today, remembering the loss of the greatest gay man of them all – Judy Garland. She would have been 87 today, had she not done herself in with barbiturates back in 1969. A terrible terrible waste. She should be with us, putting on one heck of a show down at G-A-Y, possibly supported by Girls Aloud, or the Pussycat Dolls. But she isn’t, she’s dead. Still, we thought we’d get her a gift, so we put on vest tops and strode down a high street looking fierce and giving good walk, and decided that she’d either like a drawing of a massive ant fighting a mouse, or a Magnum PI/Star Wars mash up. In the end we got her both. Have a FABULOUS Birthday Garland!
Celebrity fueds have been known to start out as a little bit of fun, just look at Tupac and Biggie Smalls. What started out as a my dad’s bigger than your dad escalated into my penis is more potent than your penis, then eventually resolved itself with my funeral’s better than your funeral. It was a crazy time, and proved to be a massive learning curve for the music industry. Now people hide their colours. Hide them real deep. Except, that is, for Lily Allen, who loves having a little dig at people. She’s already called Girls Aloud a bunch of troll faced bastards (or something), and now she’s launched headlong into a war of words with the amazing Scottish guy who looks set to run away with Britain’s Got Talent. “I don’t think she has an amazing voice,” blasted Allen, hurting absolutely everyone’s feelings. Showbiz reporters can’t believe it.
In other news, Beyonce Knowles left the gig reviewing world absolutely agog by performing a set of her songs in a pre-planned performance at the Millenium Dome. And Danielle Lloyd – famous for cackling at racist comments on Celebrity Big Brother – got into a scrap when she was only trying to enjoy a few cocktails at Crystal nightclub in fashionable London. One showbusiness reporter in particular can’t believe how mean people can be to one another. Here’s Danielle before the violent episode…
Arrghhh, get her out of my eyes!
It’s a known fact that to win an Oscar, you have to ugly yourself up for a role – hence why Tom Hanks has always been so successful. It’s also why gorgeous people like Brad Pitt, Jordan, Justin from Hollyoaks, and Jessica Alba are looked over year after year, even though they’re probably the four greatest living actors. It’s a real shame, and the latest looker who has had to thump her face with the ugly fist for a role is Mariah Carey. Normally so gorgeous, with her big inflatable bosoms and no nonsense approach to make up, she has silenced diners in a million Hollywood restaurants by turning up to film shoots for the movie Precious with her face untainted by lipsticks and blushers. Obviously she looks disgusting, and if her plain face is anything to go by, she should win Best Actress.
In other news, everyone is really impressed by Cheryl Cole‘s ability to dress a little bit like a prostitute with her Girls Aloud band mates, and Cindy Crawford has stunned one showbiz reporter by being 43 years old, but still sexually attractive. That hasn’t happened since Sean Connery. Here she is before she became an old woman…
The Slits, Typical Girls
Long before The Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, and now The Saturdays, girl groups were already going strong in the UK. Like The Slits, for example – here they are in 1979. Look out for lead singer Ari Up‘s revolutionary one-legged dancing in this cheerful video, filmed in one of London’s many parks. Fantastic.