Tag Archive: football

  • Football Drama: International Special!

    Will you be bringing a date tonight, sir?


    It’s never anything less than a pleasure and a joy to hear from a member of the ever-growing Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a funny man with football on his mind. He had this to say about tonight’s matches and more…

    England play football tonight and the question on everyone’s lips is “who will play up front with granny’s favourite footballer, Wayne Rooney? Big lad Heskey or pocket rocket Defoe?” Fabio has already flipped a coin, had a game of paper, scissors, stone with himself and played eenie, meenie, miney, mo with his bare toes before sitting down and making an actual decision, but he’s not letting on…..or is he?

    “I think it’s not important to be tall or small, it’s important the movement you do,” coughed the Italian, his eyes shifting around from side to side.

    It seems he’s had us all fooled, but the proof is right there – he’s going for the greatest mover of them all, the Robot Master Peter Crouch! The Croatians will be no match for the lanky tit from Spurs, who is such a good mover that he even danced the lovely Abbey Clancy into bed. In fact she’s still so impressed by his gormless bodypopping that she’s agreed to marry the lurching beanpole! Forget scoring goals, that is true power.  

    Over in Argentina, Carlo Tevez’s mother, Diego Maradona, is facing the chop as his side slumped 3-1 to arch enemies Brazil. The team in gold even rubbed salt into the gaping wound by letting the wonderfully big boned Adriano onto the pitch, presumably to wander around panting and looking for scraps of food. He went hungry, bless him, as he couldn’t physically bend down for fear of his impressive gut exploding.

    Things got personal in France as the beautiful Thierry Henry attacked his manager’s hair:

    “… there is no style, no guidance and no identity.”

    He had threatened to enlist the help of Gillette buddies Roger Federer and Tiger Woods to help shave his head but both declined, saying they liked the Donald Sutherland look. As do we.

    And finally, George Burley bit back at all his critics by revealing his masterplan for International football:

    “I haven’t got a clue and I’m not really worried.”

    The Braveheart spirit lives on.

  • Football Drama: Deadline Day, and bottle assault!

    Stand back everyone, maniac coming through


    It’s never anything less than a total joy to hear from an important member of the Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a man with an arched eyebrow aimed on football. He had this to say about all things recent and footballish.

    Comedy scenes at Old Trafford on the weekend as Arsenal lose to Manchester United and have their manager sent off for diving. OK, it wasn’t really for diving, he was sent off for kicking. No, not kicking the ref, or Alex Ferguson, or even Emmanuel Eboue (come on, you’d love to wouldn’t you?)… no, instead he toe punted a stationary water bottle. The man’s mental.

    “I didn’t know we were not allowed to do that,” pleaded the Arsenal boss, Arsene Wenger, in a very obviously pretend French accent. A likely story. Rumours of a post-match dust up where he was spotted landing a few very over-the-top rabbit punches on an empty can of Lilt have yet to be confirmed.

    Yesterday was Transfer Deadline Day, a truly great day of pant wetting excitement only comparable in real terms to the joy that is Pancake Tuesday. Luis Figo to Notts County! Ribery to Man United! David James to Spurs!

    Well they were the rumours, instead the highlights were David Nugent joining champions-in-waiting Burnley, David Bentley getting up really early and going all the way to Manchester to not join Man City, and a rather miffed looking journalist spending an entire day outside Fratton Park to watch David James err, train. It was the stuff of dreams, watching the demoralised broadcaster screaming at the back of James’ moving car, begging him to shed some light on what might be going on. Please, David. Please. Pleeeaaaaase.

    And finally, Roy Hodgson has hinted at an unlikely playboy past by saying this:

    “It was a ludicrous succession of affairs”.

    Like finding out that you were conceived after a drunken game of spin the bottle got ridiculous, there are some things that you just don’t ever need to know.

  • Interestment’s Top Four: Football Websites

    Including much news about this man…


    It fills our hearts with a warm sense of euphoria whenever we recruit a new member to the growing Interestment family, and today we doff a big hat to Norm – a funny gentleman, with a passion for sport and girls. After much tinkering and a lot of thought he decided that these are his favourite four online football related websites. He had this to say…

    1. Live Football on TV


    Being a red-blooded man, I like nothing more than sitting in a darkened room with my top off, baby-oiled up, watching twenty-two gentlemen rushing around, hoofing a large onion, and swearing at each other. Hence, I am at my most furious when I realise I have missed an epic contest between these handsome and humble warriors. So when I stumbled upon this site, I wept sweet (yet salty) tears of joy. It lists all the Footy available on the telly including the legendary Johnstone’s Paint Trophy and even, wait for it, Women’s Football! Whoever heard of such a thing?

    2. The Spoiler

    Ledley King

    Gone are the days when football took 90 minutes, then stayed on the pitch – it’s now an ongoing saga, both on and off the pitch, and this is the perfect football soap opera site. It’s crammed with hush-hush news from behind the scenes about exactly what the players get up to on their days off, important Ledley King nightclubbing information (pictured), and yes, quite an array of stories regarding Cristiano Ronaldo’s intriguing sexual preferences. Perfect for filling in the gaps once you’re bored to the point of hysterical violence by the sound of Alan Shearer’s brainless droning. Great stuff.

    3. WAG Rankings


    When the mood is right and the lights are low, I like nothing more than peering inquisitively at the female finery that the good lord has scattered on footballer’s wives and girlfriends, including the likes of Abbey Clancy (pictured). The pedants amongst you may arch an eyebrow and flair the odd nostril, wondering what this has to do with sport. But it has EVERYTHING to do with sport. These pretty young damsels keep footballers happy in the bedroom, and as the old saying goes, “a happy footballer is worth three Anelkas”.

    4. Youtube


    I often have moments of madness. Once I mixed together two flavours of Pot Noodle and ate it from a plate. I’m pretty wild. But crazy as that moment was, even that pales into insignificance when compared to the savagery on display here on the popular do-it-yourself television site, Youtube. Men taking leave of their senses and going proper “Croydon”: check. Over-the-top karate kicks: check. Roy Keane rearranging someone’s leg: check.

  • Football drama, week one

    Upside down frown flips over again…

    David Moyes

    It’s always brilliant to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a clever man with a sharp wit. For the next few weeks, he’s going to be looking at the ridiculous soap opera side of football. He had this to say about the weekend’s action…

    Premiership football is back and it’s better than ever! Well, aside from the loss of the World’s greasiest…I mean greatest footballer of course. We’re only one game into the new season, but already the soap opera is in full swing. Here’s what we have so far:

    Liverpool lose to Spurs and Rafa Benitez is LIVID. He gets so cross, the anger surges through his taut, bulbous body, before he finally erupts and calls a linesman… “too young”. Ouch. Clearly rusty after a summer break, Rafa may need to sharpen up his insults before he resumes his feud/ handbags/ smokescreen for secret love affair with Alex Ferguson. Half an hour with the Carragher family should do the trick.

    Arsene Wenger‘s Arsenal side (who are also too young apparently) pulverise Everton 6-1. As in six goals to just one goal. Essentially 5-0. Or 12-2. Yep, that’s quite the thrashing. David Moyes is now officially the most miserable looking human being on the planet, with his weeping face buried into his moistening shovel-hands.

    There are more tears in Hull as Phil Brown’s goatie beard goes missing. Why did you do it Phil? Why? The Tango Devil look was AWESOME!

    And finally, new Chelsea boss Carlo Ancellotti explains Didier Drogba’s niggling injury conundrums: “I think last season he had a problem with his body”. Doctors, consider yourselves usurped. The man’s a genius.

  • Showbusiness: OMG, WTF, WAG Battle!

    Is this woman really going to be FURIOUS?

    Alex Curran

    History has gone a long way in proving that two or more beautiful women can comfortably occupy the same room without looking one another up and down, tutting, and muttering something about how they thought there was a no dogs allowed rule. Look at Charlie’s Angels – that was three great looking gals all getting along.Girls Aloud seem to enjoy one another’s company even though four fifths of them would probably tighten the most dour and limp of gentlemen’s chinos/trousers. In fact, these days it’s quite rare to see a lone beauty without another stunner in tow. In that sense, great looking women are a bit like magpies. And yet, certain sectors of hard celebrity journalism were winded this week by news that the poetically-named Michela Quattrociocche is heading to Liverpool with her football husband Alberto Aquilani. Another beautiful woman on Merseyside? They say. Alex Curran – ie. Mrs Steven Gerrard – will be completely rattled by this. So expect some frenzied body augmentation from Curran in preparation. Oh, and Michela, if you’re reading, don’t be afraid if you arrive in Liverpool and a man comes up to you hacking, coughing, a jerking his body around. It’s just Jamie Carragher. He’s saying “hello”.

    In other important celebrity news, everyone appears to be getting the marijuana cigarettes out, as Kate Moss and Lily Allen enjoyed a zany smoke up. Followed a day later by the handsome Chris Evans lookalike Mick Hucknall, who once made this song, which we secretly really like…

  • Premier League Champions 2010 REVEALED!

    Prepare the champagne!


    It’s never anything less than a total and utter joy to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today we welcome back Eliot – a magnificent football writer with a busy, whirring mind. He had this to say about the looming Premier League season…

    The new season. All that sweat and hard labour for busy footballers who really don’t have the time for it all. The cost to supporters of nine months travel up and down the country. All those Saturday night television hours that could be put to better use with shows such as Hole in the Wall. They might as well call the whole thing off – we here at Interestment know how it will finish anyway.

    League Table 2010 (in 10 words)

    1. Liverpool

    The best team last year will have learnt from mistakes.

    2. Arsenal

    Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin. You get the idea with that.

    3. Manchester United

    16 single-goal wins last season. 18 goals lost to Real.

    4. Chelsea

    Mourinho only Premiership winner on debut. Ancelotti not as special.

    5. Everton

    Moyes’s twelve month audition for the Utd job. Added incentive.

    6. Manchester City

    How many of the newbies would start for Manchester United?

    7. Aston Villa

    Captain retired. Vice-captain gone too. Best chance in the cups.

    8. Tottenham Hostpur

    Huntelaar, Young, Vieira all targeted. Sheffield United players arrived instead.

    9. Fulham

    Thin squad may suffer from a lengthy Europa League run.

    10. Blackburn Rovers

    1.3 point average under Allardyce in 08/09. Enough for mid-table.

    11. Bolton Wanderers

    If Elmander settles, Bolton’s frontmen will ensure another decent season.

    12. West Ham United

    Defend well unlike many teams around them. Clarke’s influence critical.

    13. Sunderland

    Darren Bent scores goals wherever he goes. Money well spent.

    14. Burnley

    Strong Cup showings last season against Premiership opposition bodes well.

    15. Birmingham City

    Will benefit from one of the weakest Premier Leagues ever.

    16. Stoke City

    Second season syndrome a factor but should still have enough.

    17. Wigan Athletic

    Lost many good players. Martinez should just keep them up.

    18. Portsmouth

    Disarray defined as Portsmouth in the Oxford Dictionary. 09/10’s Toon.

    19. Wolverhampton Wanderers

    No Premiership experience. Experience of Premiership relegation doesn’t really count.

    20. Hull City

    The surprise factor well and truly departed. Down by Easter.

  • Football Window Watch: Wolves

    No, stupid, not that kind of window etc…


    As ever, we welcome Eliot into the Interestment fold with big hugs and high fives. Today, he wraps up his brilliant Transfer Window series with talk of Wolves…

    What they need


    Whilst Wolves ultimately ran away with the Championship, their goals conceded record was less sparkling, averaging over a goal a game shipped. Reading, Preston and Swansea each put three past them, whilst Norwich whacked eight in across two matches. Ebanks-Blake (pictured) and Doyle should sparkle upfront but across the midfield, some help for Keogh, Kightly, and the excellent David Jones wouldn’t go amiss either.

    Who they don’t need

    Chris Iwelumo won’t be missed were he to exit. Certainly not by as much as he missed that anyway.

    Don’t mention

    Sunderland. And Mick McCarthy’s sensational last effort at Premier League survival with a team from the top of the Championship. The season did however end in triumph, as the Black Cats just managed to secure enough points to stop them from driving.

    Inevitably linked with


    Ageing Brits. Irishmen. The new Stevie Bull.

    Any other business

    The last time Wolves came up to the top flight, their summer spending list included Oleg Luzhny, Silas (who was indeed golden for a brief spell at Molineux,) and Steffen Iversen. McCarthy’s business in July must be better than that, although arguably, its tough to imagine anybody drawing up a worse wishlist.

  • Football Window Watch: Wigan

    No not that kind of window, the Transfer Window


    It’s with the usual shot of tequila and morning-after pill that we welcome Eliot this glorious Monday morning. He’s a great writer, here to continue his fantastic Transfer Window series…

    What they need


    Midfield is the area the Latics will have to strengthen this summer. However, the somewhat suprising emergence of Lee Cattermole as a driving force behind England U21s, should provide new boss Roberto Martinez with a huge boost ahead of the new season.

    Who they don’t need

    Michael Brown still sees the shin as an attractive alternative to the ball, so one can’t quite see him fitting into silky, sexy Roberto Martinez’s plans. Daniel de Ridder and Olivier Kapo tend to follow Steve Bruce around, and there will be no tears shed if they pitch up at Sunderland. Mario Melchiot is past his sell-by-date whilst Richard Kingson has done little to undo the stereotypes surrounding African goalkeepers.

    Don’t mention

    Lower league managers. Promoting a boss from the lower divisions does occasionally work and the words David and Moyes will no doubt be used by Dave Whelan to justify the appointment. He won’t mention any of the following; Peter Taylor, Paul Sturrock, Paul Ince or Micky Adams.

    Inevitably linked with

    Swansea players. Obscure Spaniards. Decorative, small playmakers.

    Any other business


    Having lost Palacios, Heskey, Zaki and now Valencia, Roberto Martinez‘s job may not be as simple as first appears. Wigan are almost accepted now as a mid-table Premier league team, as for example Charlton were a few years back. The departure of Curbs induced a dangerous spiral. Wigan have to be wary – Premier League security is tough to earn, but so easy to lose.

  • Football Window Watch: West Ham

    No, mate, not that kind of window etc…


    It’s with the usual tiny espresso and gentlemanly cigarette that we bid a fine good morning to Eliot, a fine writer, here to continue his excellent Transfer Window series. Today, the people of West Ham…

    What they need


    A question that massively hinges upon whom they sell. A right back will be required however, as Lucas Neill has, suprisingly given the circumstances in which he joined the club, failed to notch up his testimonial.

    Who they don’t need

    Luis Boa Morte, another one of Curbs’ iffy January-desperation signings, continues to get stick from West Ham fans, and not just because of his skin colour either. The fact that Nigel Quashie is still a Premier League footballer, despite suffering four Premier League relegations, remains one for Miss Marple to solve.

    Don’t mention

    Ownership. Currently 70% owned by an Icelandic bank Straumur; that this is not considered odd shows how nuts the Premier League is.

    Inevitably linked with

    Italians. Icelandic politicians. Blooding academy talent.

    Any other business


    Kieron Dyer astonishingly turns 31 this season, having clocked up thirteen years as a professional footballer, yet still to make 300 appearances. He is certainly no longer a hot young prospect, nor will he ever regain the lightning accelaration that was once his trademark. Yet an adroit football brain could see Dyer reinvent himself in the ‘Sheringham’ type role; an eye for the killer pass, quick feet in a tight space and an ability to arrive late into the box are all useful attriibutes of a fit, if terminally knackered, Kieron Dyer.

  • Football Window Watch: Tottenham Hotspur

    Not this kind of window, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with the usual mug of splosh with two sugars that we welcome Eliot this morning. Continuing his Transfer Window series, today it Spurs’ turn. He had this to say…

    What they need

    Spurs squad depth is unquestionably as resolute as any club in the country, so even Harry can’t parrot his standard line of being “down to the bare bones in the hope of doing a few deals. One gap does stand out, namely left wing. Although there is more chance of Michael Jackson playing there for Spurs next season, than there is of Ashley Young doing likewise.

    Who they don’t need


    Deep breath. Gareth Bale‘s tremdendous record of never appearing on the winning side for Spurs in a league match may mean its time to add his name to the lengthy list of hot prospects who Spurs have managed to ruin. It’s a list that David Bentley is already on, and it looks as if he will complete a move to Aston Villa next week, whilst Gio dos Santos has gone from the next Ronaldinho to Portman Road in the space of 12 months. In Gilberto, Damien Comoli managed to find the one Brazilian on the planet with no first touch, whilst Alan Hutton, signed in the same window, allegedly has issues with the type of white lines that full backs aren’t supposed to run up and down. Yet whilst Kevin ‘Prince’ Boateng is still heir to the throne at the Lane, any player up for sale must surely be secondary to him.

    Don’t mention

    I know what you did last Summer. Not the Love Hewitt /Michelle Gellar drivel, but rather some of Spurs more imaginative summer signings of late, including £15m David Bentley, £14m Roman Pavlyuchenko, £17m Darren Bent and £8m Didier Zokora.

    Inevitably linked with

    Former Portsmouth players. Dimitar Berbatov. Africans playing in France

    Any other business


    With Harry Redknapp still on police bail, and the Defoe transfer back to the Lane still under investigation for the alleged cutting out of his agent Sky Andrew, the Met may be advised to keep a close eye on goings-on at the Lane this summer.

  • Football Window Watch: Sunderland

    No not that kind of window etc…


    It’s with the usual single shot of morning vodka and demi-cig from the ashtray that we bid a fine good morning to Eliot. He’s here to continue his excellent Transfer Window series with talk of Sunderland. He had this to say…

    What they need


    Although Sunderland aren’t short on players, they are desperately short on commanding figures. A dominant centre half to play alongside James Collins is essential, as too is a ball-winner to complement the skills of Malbranque, Reid and Richardson.A Roy Keane figure if you like – just not the one who attacks his players with a chalk board. They’ve had him already.

    Who they don’t need


    Anton Ferdinand shares only a surname with his brother, and not any discernible talent. Michael Chopra has done little since that winner against Spurs two years ago, whilst Phil Bardsley was kicked out by Fergie (as opposed to lets say, John O’Shea) for a good reason. Likewise you, Liam Miller.

    Don’t mention

    Being down to the bare bones. Sunderland have drafted in a staggering 27 players since their return to the top flight. Whatever their deficiencies are, being light on numbers is not one of them.

    Inevitably linked with

    Players from deepest, darkest South America. Wigan players. Middlesbrough players.

    Any other business

    The last team standing in the region, Sunderland’s derby this season will be against Hull City.

  • Football Window Watch: Portsmouth

    Not that kind of window, pillock, the Transfer Window!


    As always, we welcome Eliot – a fantastic football writer – with a sharp glass of lemonade and a gentleman’s kiss, like mobsters do. You know – mobsters. Tough guys. Goodfellas. The kind of men who can kiss without you giggling. Them. Continuing his Transfer Window series, he had this to say about Portsmouth…

    What they need

    Britain Soccer FA Cup Final

    With Glen Johnson already on his way, the imminent departures of Sol Campbell and Sylvain Distin mean Pompey will effectively require a brand new back line next season. Or they could hand the baton over to Younes Kaboul. And get relegated.

    Who they don’t need

    Pompey are still paying the price for (and the wages for) the fondness of a certain Mr H. Redknapp esq to do a deal. Players like Glen Little and Papa Bouba Diop are gathering cobwebs, and whoever manages Portsmouth next season, they will certainly need to clear out the deadwood.

    Don’t mention


    Tony Adams. An extraordinary January window saw Basinas, Gekas and even Pele (no, not that one) arrive at Pompey. Lets hope Peter Storrie left the meter running.

    Inevitably linked with

    Spurs rejects. Dodgy takeovers. Sven.

    Any other business

    Quite a lot actually. With a takeover looming from Dr Sulaiman al-Fahim (the most illegitamate use of the prefix since the days of good old Dr Fox), and all manner of shady characters claiming/denying involvement, the club urgently need this to be resolved so players can enter as well as exit Fratton this summer.

  • Football Window Watch: Man United

    No, not that kind of window, old chap, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with the usual mug of the hot stuff and total elation that we big good morning to our excellent football writer Eliot. Today, it’s all about those crazy Man United guys…

    What they need


    More than one would first think actually. Despite being reigning champions, the ’09 title owed more to winter deficiencies at Anfield, than a particularly special United team. Just four wins from twelve league matches against the six clubs closest to them in the table, a remarkable hiding at home to Liverpool, and an equally ego-shredding final against Barca tell a more accurate story. A striker to replace Angel from Big Brother would be a start, but it is in midifeld where one feels Fergie is yet to find the right balance. If as looks likely, Wayne Rooney will play in a more central capacity next season, United, a team notorious over the past two decades for their rampant wing play, will look severely deficient in that area. The glory days of Sharpe, Giggs, Kanchelsklis, Ronaldo et al will seem a fair distance ago.

    Who they don’t need

    Sulking, energy-efficient strutting around the field is very 1990s. Dimitar Berbatov scored just two winning goals last season, and most of his champagne moments tended to come in situations where United were already comfortable, against a poor side.

    Don’t mention

    Real Madrid. Despite promising United fans last summer that he wouldn’t “sell them a virus”, Fergie ended up selling them something much worse in Cristiano Ronaldo. In the aftermath of a humiliating Champions League Final, the score is very much La Liga 2 United 0.

    Inevitably linked with

    Karim Benzema. Franck Ribery. Clayton Blackmore.

    Any other business


    Rio‘s back. Or is he? United’s most critical player struggled through the closing stages of last season, and was a shadow of his true self against Barca. If his spinal situation fails to clear, it won’t take long before the world realises that it is he, and not Ronaldo, who is United’s most valuable player.

  • Football Window Watch: Man City

    Not that kind of window, our kid, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with a nice bowl of Sugar Puffs and a kind smile that we welcome Eliot back into the fold. Today, he’s continuing his excellent Transfer Window series with a look at the multi-billionaires at Man City…

    What they need


    Ah – the old problem of what to get the kid who has everything. Well everything bar silverware, class, or any obvious strategy of how to turn itself into a top 4 club. Whatever they need, City will just continue their method of approaching a seven year old in the street and asking him to name ten footballers, before tabling bids for all of them.

    Who they don’t need

    We’re all familiar with the sensation of traipsing into a hotel, unpacking the suitcase, and discovering an old pair of swimming trunks from a previous holiday. This torturous metaphor could equally be applied to Darius Vassell, the forgotten man who has magically been dragged along in the billionaire Manchester City adventure. Benjani, Javi Garrido and Michael Ball will also hope to stay out of sight, and cheekily remain at the bottom of the case too.

    Don’t mention


    Kaka. The very public rejection of City by a man who is willing however to believe that a man once turned water into wine, was a real nadir for the City ‘project’ last January. Since which time, Gary Cook etc have been more careful, concentrating on approaching players they know they have a chance with, although there remains a real whiff of BB10‘s Sree in City’s transfer dealings.

    Inevitably linked with

    Tevez. Eto’o. Villa.

    Any other business

    Having shown no signs of being able to manage the colossal egos of Robinho and Elano last season, doubts must surely remain as to how Mark Hughes will deal with the new influx of professional troublemakers who pitch up at Eastlands this summer. The press like Hughes, and consequently there were few questions asked last year as to how he managed a lower finish than Sven, despite shpritzing close to £100m on his team. This year his luck may run out.

  • Football Window Watch: Liverpool

    Not that kind of window, la’, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with the usual shot of tequila and gigantic man-hug that we welcome Eliot this morning. Here, he’s talking about Liverpool Football Club. The greatest club of them all…

    What they need


    The same as they have needed every year since Rob Jones retired, namely a decent right back. Benitez goes through full backs like they’re Pringles, with Glen Johnson set to become the new Vegard Heggem.

    Who they don’t need

    Deep breath – Arbeloa, Babel, Degen, Dossena, el Zhar, Itandje, Lucas, Ngog, Pennant and Voronin. Gerrard and Torres are constantly surrounded by more rubbish than Oscar the Grouch.

    Don’t mention

    Debt. In the draw for foriegn owners, Liverpool drew a straw so short, scientists have yet to invent a microscope through which one can see it. Skint – check. Ignorant – check. Not on speaking terms – check.

    Inevitably linked with


    Gareth Barry (still). David Silva. Michael Owen.

    Any other business

    The finances of LFC remain a puzzle. One day last summer they couldn’t afford £18m for Gareth Barry; the next they spunked £20m on Robbie Keane. This summer, one day they are selling the Big Issue on the streets, the next they are overpaying by about £10m for Glen Johnson.

  • Football Window Watch: Hull

    Nooo, not that window, big nose, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with the usual mug of fresh coffee and blueberry muffin that we welcome Eliot – the most fantastic football writer – into the Interestment fold. Here, it’s the turn of lovely Hull in the Transfer Window series…

    What they need

    A manager allergic to limelight would be a start. Current gaffer Phil Brown is drawn to publicity like the proverbial moth to a flame, and much of his antics provided a distraction from the real business of survival. On the playing side, a better left back is a priority – too many of the goals Hull conceded in the second half of the season came from that side.

    Who they don’t need


    A dressing room evidently. Moreover, the old timers Boateng and Barmby tired drastically from February onwards, and were a key reason behind Hull’s dramatic collapse. Fagan and Folan not only share the first and last letters of their surname, but also the fact they aren’t Premier League class.

    Don’t mention

    The weather. Its never overcast in the Brown household but players from warmer climes may wish to experience some natural sun too.

    Inevitably linked with


    Dean Windass (again.) Loan signings from the big four. The aged

    Any other business

    With Phil Brown prone to humiliating his players, it may be difficult for him to convince new signings that a move to the Tigers is beneficial for their general wellbeing

  • Football Window Watch: Fulham

    Not this kind of window, the Transfer Window!


    As ever, it’s with a kind smile and a warm cigar that we welcome Eliot – our number one football guy – into the kindly Interestment bosom. He had this to say about the business side of things at Fulham…

    What they need


    With John Pantsil eventually coming good towards the end of last season, Fulham’s under-rated backline should once more stand them in good stead this season. What may be handy particularly away from home (when they tend to see far less of the ball), is an energetic ball-winner to play alongside the genteel Danny Murphy.

    Who they don’t need

    Hameur Bouazza managed to appear in the Birmingham City vs Charlton Athletic fixture for both sides last season, a feat made all the more remarkable by the fact he was registered at Fulham. There has been very little else of interest about Bouazza thus far in his Fulham career. Questions about Bobby Zamora remain too.

    Don’t mention

    Robert Rosario. Or any player with an ‘r’ in their name in fact.

    Inevitably linked with

    West Ham players. Norwegians. Swedes

    Any other business


    Hodgson has an encylopedic knowledge of Scandinavian football, garnered from managerial spells in Sweden, Denmark and Finland. There are already five Scandinavians at Fulham, and expect Hodgson to be rifling through his contact book to bring in a few more as the season gets closer.

  • Football Window Watch: Everton

    Not that kind of window, dur-brain, the Transfer Window!


    It’s with the usual unreserved jumping for joy that we welcome Eliot into our lives for another glorious day. He’s a brilliant football writer, and had this to say about Everton’s current wants…

    What they need


    The obvious place to start with the Toffees is at right full back. There were matches last season where Tony Hibbert (pictured) had such a tough time against his winger that he was pulled off early, most noticeably at Villa Park in April against Ashley Young. Baines, Lescott and Jagielka need a final piece to what could be an outstanding jigsaw.

    Who they don’t need

    Nuno Valente and Andy van der Meyde persist in picking up a payslip each week in contradiction to their actual industrial output. Aside from whom, the Everton squad is lean enough.

    Don’t mention


    Big money moves. Whilst Tottenham’s persistent knocking on the door of the top four, led only to the sale of Berbatov, Keane and Carrick to the big four, and Villa’s ascent last season has meant the exit door for Barry and now possibly Ashley Young, Everton have got off lightly thus far in spite of their growing status. Yet this summer, rumours are rife linking Lescott to Man City, as well as Liverpool with Mikel Arteta (pictured). Keeping hold of players could be more critical than who Moyes brings in.

    Inevitably linked with

    The best of the Championship. The best of the SPL. Fallen stars in need of redemption.

    Any other business

    Whilst many posit Arsene Wenger’s transfer record as the best out there, David Moyes certainly has a case that he reigns supreme. His signings of £1million+ over the past three years have all come off without exception.

  • Football Window Watch: Chelsea

    Not this kind of window, silly, the Transfer Window!


    As ever, it’s with total glee that we welcome the words of Eliot – an excellent sharp minded football writer – to the Interestment fold. Today he’s talking about Chelsea…

    What they need

    Had Petr Cech played the entire season in a mask (to match his helmet) with a different name on the back of his shirt, general opinion would be that Chelsea’s new keeper had produced a decent debut season. Yet Cech was the best goalkeeper in the world before he had his head punctured, and as such, is judged to higher standards. Nagging doubts persist and Ancelotti’s first task could be to find a new numero uno.

    Who they don’t need


    With Deco on the way out, that still leaves Michael Ballack collecting money for jam, and whose most energetic performance of the season was conserved for harrassing a referee. Ballack at Chelsea remains the opposite of irreplaceable.

    Don’t mention

    Man City. In the good old days, they used to close the sweet shop to the general public when Roman entered. Abramovic could pick and choose players as he wished. Yet a new man has since moved in, wealtheir than Roman, and Chelsea are now left with the baffling proposition, that they can only sign those players who Manchester City don’t fancy,

    Inevitably linked with


    Ageing Italians. David Beckham (from December onwards). International superstars (not good enough for Man City.)

    Any other business

    With Ronaldo gone, the stiff contest for Premier League‘s leading irritating foreigners will be led by Didier Drogba. His last major contribution of the season was a classic header in the Cup Final, his contribution before that however was the flip-flop tantrum versus Barca. Its the former that makes Blues fans put up with the latter – his first three months may set the tone for the entire Ancelotti era.

  • Football Window Watch: Burnley

    No, not that kind of window, fatso, the Transfer Window!


    It’s never anything less than phenomenal to hear from a member of the ever-increasing Interestment circle, and today Eliot – a fantastic football write with a dry wit – continues his excellent Transfer Window series. He had this to say about the mighty Burnley…

    What they need


    Flicking casually through the recipe books to the page marked “ingredients required to stay up” won’t provide much help to Owen Coyle; there are simply no cut and dried rules. Reading managed to secure an eighth place finish three seasons ago playing an admirable passing game. Stoke meanwhile went for the reverse method last year, relying on supposedly top Premier League defenders’ comic inability to deal with the aerial ball when launched in by Rory Delap. What will certainly be required however, are players with Premier League experience. Relying on Steven Caldwell and Joey Gudjonsson (pictured) to explain to the rest of the squad what the top flight is all about is like asking a blind man to explain colour.

    Who they don’t need

    Or more pertinently, what they don’t need, namely a bad start. All promoted sides have a sticky run at some point. Burnley must heed the lessons of Hull last season and make sure theirs doesn’t arrive too early. Mr Coyle may also like to ensure he keeps his team talks confined to the dressing room.

    Don’t mention


    Geography. Selling Burnley to the globe’s leading football talents may be tricky – “its only three and a half hours from London” may not quite swing it.

    Inevitably linked with

    Players from mid-table SPL sides. The best players from the relegated clubs (see Kitson.D to Stoke last summer.) Anyone who plays on the far right.

    Any other business

    Burnley managed to beat the Premier League‘s top four London clubs last season, which suggests they may have a fighting chance of staying up. Ultimately however, it will be the results against the teams around them at the bottom that will dictate their fate.

  • Interestment’s Top Four: Football Transfers

    Not including this man…


    It’s a double whammy of excellent football writing today, as the newest member of the Interestment family, Rory – a fantastic writer with a hard line in the funny stuff – has turned his wonderful magnifying glass on the murky waters of football behind-the-scenes business. He had this to say…

    What will you miss most about Ronaldo, now that he’s off to live in Madrid? His outrageous footballing skill perhaps? His perfectly waxed chest? Maybe, you’re just relieved to be seeing the back of the his oversized adam’s apple. Whatever your take, you’re probably just happy the whole sorry saga is over. To celebrate, we thought we’d cast our minds back to four infinitely more amusing transfer stories. Enjoy…

    1. Ali Dia, Blyth Spartans to Southampton, 1996


    It’s hard to know who to feel more sorry for in this sorry mess. In 1996, Graeme Souness receieved a call from someone purporting to be the cousin of former footballer of the year, George Weah. “I’m really good too, you should sign me” was the gist of the chat. Graeme, being the trusting and friendly soul that he is, immediately agreed. Then, having barely seen him train, Souness named Dia as one of the substitutes in Southampton’s next game against Leeds. In the 32nd minute, he came on to replace Matt Le Tissier. After a few minutes of play, the full horror of the situation began to dawn on everyone watching. Was he the worst player ever to pull on a Saints shirt? Had he ever even played football before? It seemed all that was missing was a pair of oversized flapping shoes and twirly bow tie.  14 minutes later, his Southampton career was over, Souness substituting the substitute (and probably doing a little cry inside as he wondered how he’d allowed somehow to expose his thundering stupidity so cruelly). Dia returned to the club on Sunday for physio, but that was the last anyone ever saw of him – he reportedly went on to study business at Northumbria University. Souness banned anyone at the club from ever mentioning the incident again.

    2. Robbie Savage, Birmingham to Blackburn, 2005


    The very fact that mighty Manchester United once signed football’s most hated man is amusing enough. But the real comedy was to come much later in his career when Goldilocks, with his eye on a move to Blackburn, requested a transfer out of Birmingham. The reason Savage gave for forcing through the transfer was that he wanted to be closer to his parents in Wrexham. Obviously he hadn’t bothered to do his research on the AA Route Planner – if he had, he would have found that he was in line to save precisely five minutes on his journey. That’s 300 whole seconds to play with. Think of what you could with all that extra time. Presumably he settled on watching this clip 50 times.

    3. Ronnie O’Brien, Middlesbrough to Juventus, 1999


    Ronnie O’Brien is one of those footballers who must look back over his career and wonder how he kept fooling everyone. After impressing with the Irish Under 18’s, he was signed by Middlesbrough in 1998. There he found himself a charge of the Worst Football Manager In History TM, Bryan Robson. Amazingly, however, even old dead-behind-the-eyes Robbo knew a turkey when he saw one and quickly dumped Ron in the reserves. Presumably he thought someone like Dagenham & Redbridge or Altrincham might step in and take him off his hands. So imagine everyone’s surprise when Juventus came calling. To this day, no-one’s sure what prompted their interest, but it took them about a day to realise they’d got it wrong and farmed their new charge out on loan to Crotone, Lugano and Lecco (and no, we’re not making these names up). Not long after, Ron found himself playing his way round different MLS teams, and now qualifies for the US team.

    4. Kenneth Kristensen, Vindbjart to Floey, 2002


    Meet the man who’s quite literally worth his weight in… prawns. After finding himself in hot demand in the Norwegian third division, it was left to two footballing giants to fight out it out over big Ken. Floey finally got their man when they agreed to part with 75kg of shrimps. They even had a boxing style weigh-in just to make sure everything was legit and above board.

  • Football Window Watch: Bolton Wanderers

    No, idiot, not that kind of window – the Transfer Window!


    As always, it’s with a tea, biscuit, and enormous man hug that we welcome Eliot into today’s proceedings. He’s got an eye for sport, and here he’s turning that very eye in the direction of Bolton…

    What they need

    A bigger squad is a must – Bolton have the smallest in the Premier League. Fortunately for them, they apear to have cup strolls rather than cup runs, which has always allowed first Sam Allardyce, and now Gary Megson to get away with it. A young centre back partner for the immaculate Gary Cahill would be useful whilst if Mark Davies builds on his impressive start last season, the replacement for relegated (but wealthier) Kevin Nolan shouldn’t be necessary.

    Who they don’t need


    If wafer-thin wasn’t such a puzzling metaphor, it would be one we at Interestment would happily use to describe the Bolton squad. Consequently, Megson would be wise not to ship anyone out this summer, although if any club chairman is foolish enough to reimburse Bolton for Fabrice Muamba (pictured, £5m) or Johan Elmander (£10m,) Wanderers fans wouldn’t be too disappointed.

    Don’t mention

    Summer 08. After an excellent January window which saw the arrival of Gretar Steinsson, Gary Cahill and Matty Taylor, the plot was temporarily misplaced last summer by Gary Megson, and the aforementioned Muamba and Elmander were the result.

    Inevitably linked with

    Lumpy old-fasioned centre backs. Obscure Scandinavians. Lumpy old-fasioned midfielders.

    Any other business


    Since the Allardyce reign came to a halt, no Premier League team gets ignored by the national media to the extent Bolton do. They are no longer plucky underdogs, their brand of football barely has tv executives rushing to the Reebok with their matches tending to contain few goals. The Wanderers support may moan at this neglection, but it does have a huge upside for the club, which finds it easier to hold onto its secret jewels (Cahill, Davies, Jaaskeleinen) than higher-profile mid-table sides such as Tottenham, Fulham etc.

  • Football Window Watch: Blackburn Rovers

    Nooo, not that window, the Transfer Window!


    As always, it’s with a very firm handshake and an offer of a lovely cup of the hot stuff that we welcome Eliot – fantastic writer of football related issues – back into the Interestment fold. Today, it’s part four of the transfer series

    What they need


    Hooking Matt Derbyshire (pictured) back from his loan spell in Greece would be wise. Still only 23, the forward surpassed all expectations at Olympiakos, and could replace the departing Roque Santa Cruz. At the back, Warnock, Samba and Nelsen all look strong, but the departure of Andre Ooijer leaves a void at right back which Big Sam will need to fill. Brett Emerton has proven over the years that he simply lacks the pace and positional sense to play there week in week out.

    Who they don’t need

    If Fergie can afford to get rid of Ronaldo, surely Blackburn should do similar and hurl Roque Santa Cruz towwards the exit. 17 in his first season, but just the six last year when he effectively bestrode the playing surface in a pipe and slippers. The Manchester City bench, and a seat next to Craig Bellamy, should be a suitable lure.

    Don’t mention


    Panorama. As the BBC still awaits a much-promised writ from Big Sam, over a television programme that showed a man spreading £50 notes on a bed for him, the need for Allardyce to be seen as whiter than white has maybe taken some of the more exotic signings out of his reach.

    Inevitably linked with

    Anyone called Kevin (Nolan, Davies, Federline.)

    Any other business

    Not too long ago, the option for any ageing international footballer was simple; Qatar or Sam Allardyce’s Bolton Wanderers. Since which time, Uzbekistan has replaced the Gulf state as the leading retirement home for Rivaldo et al, but Sam Allardyce’s Blackburn Rovers have yet to replace Sam Allardyce’s Bolton in a similar vein. Could this window be the one where Sam installs the Stannah at Ewood Park?

  • Football Window Watch: Birmingham City

    No, not this window, the Transfer Window


    It’s with the usual open arms, and massive over-the-top smile that we welcome words for today from the excellent sports writer, Eliot. Here, he’s turned his enormous arched eyebrow on Birmingham City. Yes, Birmingham City. He had this to say…

    What they need


    Martin Taylor may not get the warmest of welcomes back to the Premier League, and should probably be put on some type of Care in the Community scheme whilst he settles back in. Centre-back partnet Liam Ridgewell gave away seven penalties in 05/06 at Villa, so with that duo, another centre-half is essential. Much hinges on the signing of Christian Benitez. If it comes off, he and Kevin Phillips could score the goals to keep Brum up.

    Who they don’t need

    Cameron Jerome wasn’t good enough for the Premier League on his last visit, and its unlikely he has improved sufficiently after a year in the Championship. Ditto Gary McSheffrey. Just ten league goals between them in 07/08.

    Don’t mention


    Steve Bruce. The man not deemed good enough to manage Brum by chairman David Gold, has established a reputation for unearthing jewels from across the world. Instead of signing Zaki, Palacios and Figueora for Birmingham, he took them to Wigan.

    Inevitably linked with

    Scots. Aston Villa cast-offs. Violent men.

    Any other business

    With Lee Bowyer, Franck Queudrue and Martin Taylor all in their ranks, expect absentees through suspension to be a common theme throughout Birmingham’s season..