This time, it’s a certain Franco-Englander…
Bold as brass she stood there, wearing the fashionable Longoria stripes – as opposed to the Roberts spots – sunning herself in a bikini, even though she’s 41! As everyone knows, most 41-year-olds have put their beach days behind them, and instead hide away in darkened rooms, hoping for the cold hand of death to finally muffle their screams and take them away. It’s all over when you’re 41. You’re kids have finished university, you can’t remember your pubes ever being anything but grey, and your beautiful stomach tatt of a cheerful dolphin now looks like a dying catfish. And yet, Davina McCall, the woman who mixes talking with shouting at a professional level, has shocked most of the British speaking planet by going on holiday, slipping into something a 30-year-old might wear, and not looking completely revolting. One showbiz reporter in particular took one look at the pictures, then leant back in his chair, clapping his hands, as a lonely teardrop zipped down his cheek and went smashing onto the N of his keyboard. Bravo Davina McCall. Bravo.
In other news Jennifer Lopez (pictured) has been spotted enjoying quality time with her children, while in another corner of the acting world, Mischa Barton – star of the excellent OC – appears to have gone loco, and can now be contacted through doctors and nurses in a psychiatric ward. One journalist in particular seems very keen to point out that a similar kind of thing happened to Britney Spears not so long ago. And now she’s totally fine, sooooo….
Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
What should a Hollywood star wear on holiday?
If you sensed a movement in the force today, don’t freak out, it’s just that some pictures of Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives landed on a few extremely important showbiz desks. She’s on holiday in France. She’s wearing a bikini. Yeah, it’s pretty far out stuff. Hence, reporters have been going ballistic on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell she is doing in France, and, more importantly, where those lovely bikinis might be from – one of them is stripey, for Christ’s sake. Stripey. Does that mean we should all be wearing stripes? Julia Roberts was in spots the other week, now Longoria’s in stripes. Who do we listen to? Roberts or Longoria? It’s very unsettling, but these are exactly the kind of questions that we need to ask ourselves. One showbusiness reporter in particular is very impressed by her holidaying skills, and there are even a few brilliant photographs of her zipping around the sea on one of those water motorbike things. Good for her.
In other astonishing news, The Apprentice final will feature Kate Walsh (below) – the blonde one who talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those having a stroke adverts – and Yasmina Siadatan, who spent most of last night’s episode explaining that her only weakness is that she has too many strengths. Our money is on Kate winning the job, and Yasmina embarking on a life-long mission to avenge her humiliation on national television, which ends with her driving a javelin through Sir Alan Sugar’s heart at the 2012 Olympics. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.