Ahhh, the weird old days…
Nothing karate chops your underpants more than watching a good friend transform into a superstar. One minute, they’re sitting in a pub with you, laughing at your joke about a rabbit going into a butcher’s shop, the next minute, you’re shouting the same joke at them from behind a red rope which divides “people” from “very important people”. They’re french kissing three girls at a time, you’re in tears clutching a bottle of Becks that you found on a table. They don’t know you anymore. Damn it, you don’t know you any more. You’re going to need some fresh jokes.
All of which leads us very conveniently to Robbie Williams, who has been scattering clues all over the place to suggest that he might be rejoining his old band, Take That. The same Take That who stood behind the velvet rope watching Williams romping his way through a cordoned-off, much fancier section of the club, for years. Metaphorically speaking. But now, of course, they’ve been allowed access to the VIP bit, whilst Robbie’s probably straddling the rope, career-wise. Will he make it back into the fancier areas of the club? Will they stop fondling fake bosoms and even notice him now? Is this metaphor really tiring yet? It quite probably is. The point being that Williams is hedging his bets. He’s got a solo album coming out, which might bomb now that his ex-colleagues have been granted a second blast in the sunshine, so it looks like a good back-up plan to sew rumour seeds of a possible full reunion. It will be interesting to see if he bothers re-entering the fold should his next outing succeed. Either way, showbiz desks around the land have become dizzy with glee over this. Absolutely dizzy.
In other news, Alesha Dixon is still souring everyone’s milkshakes with her clueless, meandering assessments on Strictly… And Lacey Turner from Eastenders won a prize at an award’s show, and has left the entire celebrity world agog by not looking too cheerful about it. What is her PROBLEM?
We love a new blog, us…
Every so often we stumble across another website or blog, and we’re in awe of the genius of it. We love new stuff. So when big friend of the site Kev alerted us to Kemp Folds, we went totally berserk with joy. The idea is simple – get a picture of Grant from Eastenders, fold it up so he looks weird, then send it in. Brilliant.
Go and have a look here.
No room for these particular lookalikes…
Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.
Goalkeeper, David James
Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.
Right Back, Gary Neville
Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.
Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate
Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.
Centre Back, Olof Melberg
We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).
Centre Midfield, Joey Barton
Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.
Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard
Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.
Left Midfield, Ronaldinho
Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.
Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez
Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.
Centre Forward, Peter Crouch
Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.
Ian Beale, Eastenders
It’s a risk growing a moustache. A big risk. Only certain men can really carry it off (above).
For a few dreamy months in the late 1990s, Ian Beale suddenly became sexy and alluring, like Magnum, or Burt Reynolds. Or the small one from Hall and Oates (below).