Some popular ones didn’t make it…
Hey man, here’s a fact for you – curries are delicious. Seriously, they are. Once only used as punishment threats if a child was refusing to finish his sausage and chips, or a drunken challenge for groups of guys in shirts who just drank fourteen strong lagers and managed to successfully woo precisely no women, they are now the nation’s favourite. Even old women eat them during tea dances. Here at Interestment, we’d eat a curry every day if we could. Hence, we thought it high time to list the four most magnificent treats to compliment our plain naan, pilau rice, poppadoms, followed by pistachio ice cream…
1. Chicken Jalfrezi
The undisputed king of curries, this one packs a little bit of a punch, because it’s made using small handfuls of tasty green chillies. It’s a tomato based treat, which works well with a gentle sprinkle of coriander as a garnish. Washed down with a conveyor belt of Carlsbergs, this would be our Death Row meal.
2. Lamb Rogan Josh
Described as an aromatic curry, this one smells so fantastic that the minute your nostrils come into contact with it, your mouth starts creating so much saliva that you might need to run to the toilets just to gush it all out. Absolutely horrific mental images aside, it’s the best of the lamb options, marginally nudging out a molten red Lamb Madras.
3. Chicken Dopiaza
Choosing a second chicken option was something of an ordeal. Korma is far too sickly sweet and lacks the necessary kick, while Chicken Tikka Masala came very close. A decent Dopiaza just edges it though, for sheer scoffability. Scooped up in handfuls of soft naan bread, it’s a heavenly curry, and Dopiaza means “two onions”, fact fans.
4. Aloo Gobi
When it comes to curry, our vegetarian brothers and sisters have it pretty good. In fact, often when people return from India with their rediscovered souls and silly dreadlocks, they will tell you that the vegetable curries are often the best. They’re wrong, of course, but not completely wrong. This one keeps Saag Aloo off the top four, thanks to a tasty blend of potatoes and cauliflowers and yummy spices.
... then add your own fruit!
Once the sunshine begins to roar down, the last thing you’ll want after a tasty dinner is a hot pud. Apple crumbles and pies are fine during the snowy months, but try wolfing one of those down when you’re already a bit tepid, and you’ll have sweat thundering down your face like it were the Niagara Falls and your face were the sopping wet rocks situated directly behind the relentless gush. Not a good look for a man, and particularly bad for a woman. Hence the key during June-September is to opt for cold desserts, like sorbet, jelly, or in today’s case, cheesecake. Here’s how to make a simple vanilla one, as described to us by great friend of the site, Charlie. Feel free to add your own fruits and coulis..
You will need…
1. 12oz digestive biscuits
2. 6oz butter, melted
3. 1lb cream cheese
4. 5oz caster sugar
5. 1 tsp vanilla extract
6. 4 eggs, lightly beaten.
7. Some icing sugar
Now butter your cake tin, put the oven on to 180. Blitz the biscuits in food processor, then mix them with melted butter and press them down into bottom of the tin until nice and even. Stick it all into the fridge for a bit. Mix the cream cheese, sugar, vanilla extract and eggs together in large bowl until nice and creamy, then put it all together and bake it in oven for 40 minutes. Bosh. Cheesecake.
Make your own, Lazy Bones
So far, it’s been a staccato start to the Summer, one minute violent beams of sunshine are boaring into the back of your neck, the next it’s so breezy that you’re begging passing women for a go on their cardigans. That, by the way, is not a euphemism. We don’t deal in euphemisms. We wouldn’t even know how. The point being that Picnic Season is here, and then it’s not, and then it’s here again. And then it’s not. Parks should really be full to the brim with rival factions – the buck-toothed Barbecue idiots one side, the sultry Picnic ensembles the other. One group wolfing down strong lagers and throwing rugby balls hilariously into one another’s groins, whilst the others fold thinly-sliced meats into their mouths whilst making witty observations about European women and body hair. We know which side we’d be on!
To celebrate Picnic Season, we’ve flung open the Interestment Cook Book, and today, excellent commentator on cloth, Oliver, has a recipe for a canape of sausage rolls that is so simplistic, even a gold fish with special needs would totally get it.
You will need:
1. Puff pastry
2. White flour
3. Sausage meat from a supermarket/butchers
6. A mighty onion
8. Salt and Pepsie
Now, roll your pastry out into a big long rectangle using flour and a rolling pin (or a clean empty wine bottle), mix good pork sausage meat (or empty out good sausages but this gets a bit weird and yucky) with some fine breadcrumbs, finely chopped sage and finely chopped onion with lots of salt and black pepper, and one beaten egg to bind it all together. Then pop the meat down middle of the pastry.
Next, brush one edge of the pastry (inside) with some beaten egg and roll it over into, well, a massive sausage roll. Then chop it into smaller sausage rolls, and snip the top of each one with scissors to make them look good, let some air out and get all the juicy burnt bits on the top.
Brush the rolls with more beaten egg and whack in the oven for 20-25 minutes at 220 degree C or 425 degree F. Allow to cool on a wire tray, then EAT.
Both green and delicious
The problem now is that with the warm fronts moving in from the West, and the blazing hot Sun shining down from the North, society has decreed that we don’t need big jumpers and large trousers if we’re heading outdoors. Bugger. Now it’s all itsy-bitsy vest tops and shorts so tight that everyone can witness the precise contours of your groin. If you’re one of those people who actually enjoy exercise, you might have the body for it. For the rest of us, it’s like waking up in the middle of a bad dream. One where everyone is laughing at you because your swollen guts make you look a bit like a pregnant woman. But you’re not a pregnant woman. Hence, it’s time to stop thrusting your face into piles of meat every night, and time to start embracing other things like vegetables, fruits, and delicious drinks – otherwise known as soup – instead.
Today, we thought we’d teach you fat guys how to make a healthy soup. In this case, pea.
You will need:
1. A great big onion.
2. A mighty leak.
3. Half a bag of frozen peas.
4. Some tasty fresh mint.
5. A stock cube. Chicken is the best.
6. Salt and pepsie.
7. Boiling water.
Now chop up your leak and onion, then fry them in a medium sized pan for about ten minutes, until they’re all nice and soft. Throw in the peas for a couple of minutes, then add a load of boiling water, your stock cube, and simmer for fifteen minutes. Add some fresh mint, salt and pepsie, then blend it all together in a stolen/borrowed/bought blender, and bosh. Pea soup, guv.
Ideal for cooking food
Don’t be frightened if you happen across a cluster of weeping men in suits when you’re enjoying your afternoon stroll, they’re just former ad execs soaking up the news that they’re no longer needed on the latest Blu-Tack account. They will be fine once they’ve realised that, actually, some sparkling wines can be just as delicate and quaffable as actual champagne. Yes, friends, these are intriguing, enlightening times. Which is why we go out of our minds with joy whenever we hear about a decent bargain. Just this week, amateur cook Mark stumbled across something very fascinating in his local Scope. “I’m massively into cooking at the moment, especially with Masterchef gearing up to the final,” he honked, “so when I saw that they were selling a box fresh wok, I snapped it up.” Of course, like most of us, Mark loves tipping beansprouts into a pan which already contains mushrooms, chicken, and bits of carrot. So, come on, spill the beans, how much for this excellent bit of kitchen gear? “Three quid!”
Great hair, great cook
Such is the nature of this crippling financial winter that dreamy young go-getters have been forced to stop ordering in, and are having to cook for themselves. Cue disaster. Big joints of lamb are being “roasted” on hobs, scrambled eggs boiled in the oven. These suits, bless them, don’t know what they’re doing. They only bought the oven to match the kitchen tiles. Hence, with the purse strings pulling ever tighter, we cheerfully applaud anyone with the brains to track down a bargain in a nearby charity shop. Luke, literally the poshest man we have ever met, deserves a gigantic round of applause after an excellent weekend’s shopping. “I thought I’d pop in and see if they had a Jamie Oliver book that I could cook from,” he told us, over a pint and a port. “They didn’t, but they did have a Gary Rhodes one, so I bought that.” He went on to explain how he was looking forward to impressing his pals with an Ox Cheek Stew and Beetroot Fritters. So come on Luke, how much for this amazing guide to cooking? “A quid!”
You want to win the show? Like really want to?
Masterchef is brilliant. It starts with two men standing next to a hob yelling at a cameraman about how hard cookery is. And, weirdly, they’re right. Anyone who has ever attempted to accurately fry a steak whilst a bald man with a enormous protruding gut stares on from five metres, occasionally tutting, already knows that this business isn’t for the faint hearted. Yet, winning Masterchef isn’t as difficult as it looks. We’ve come up with five simple rules to making it at least to the finals. Then you’re on your own…
1. If you’re “invention” ingredients include meat, vegetables, and fruit, resist the childish urge to match the fruit with the meat. You are not Heston Blumenthal. Unless you are.
2. Impress John, because when it’s a John versus Gregg stand-off about who should go through, John wins. That might be because he’s an actual chef, while Gregg is a bald fat bloke who loves jam roly-poly.
Someone won’t be smiling when they see the list…
Once upon a time, mainly before you were born, cookery shows featured haunted women weeping to camera about how best to scramble eggs to stop the babies from crying. These broadcasts were often interrupted by air raid sirens, or sudden cuts to Artie Shaw playing his magnificent clarinet to distract everyone from the sounds of gunfire and Nazi war accents. Terrible, terrible days. But then along came Jamie Oliver, and everyone started smiling again! Even so, poor Jamie didn’t make the cut, and our top four cookery shows read like this…
1. A Cook’s Tour
Literally, there isn’t a chef on the planet as cool as Anthony Bourdain from New Yoik. He spends the entire programme strutting around former war zones in a Ramones t-shirt, never without a cigarette, demanding that the locals surprise him with their food. And they do. Amongst the treats is a beating cobra’s heart, and some very penis-looking objects. By all accounts, he’s a pretty decent chef as well.