Tag Archive: Chelsea

  • Football Drama: Mathematics

    … and something about this dog

    Churchill Insurance dog

    It’s always a treat to hear from a member of the Interestment Family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a funny man with a passion for football. He had this to say about all of the weekend’s action…

    Wow, wasn’t it brilliant? The drama! The tension! The near balletic poetry of it all! Could this one be the best ever? Well it was a pretty good, that Strictly Come Dancing line up, but it’s early days yet, and Alesha Dixon is already splitting opinion right down the middle. But enough of the glitzy talk about swishy skirts, let’s focus on the footie. There sure was a lot of maths to get through at Old Trafford over the weekend. Man United won 4-3, that’s an amazing seven goals, with the seventh coming in the sixth minute of injury time, but Mark Hughes thought there should only have been four minutes, while Alex Ferguson thought they should’ve won 6-0. But, but, there were seven goals, is anyone else totally confused?

    Horrible little oik Craig Bellamy sure was, his number rage causing him to give a fan who ran onto the pitch a good hard five fingers (well four fingers and a big podgy, sausage like thumb) across the face to teach him a thing or two about counting. There, that showed him. That showed him good. Craig Bellamy can count to five, deal with it, sucker.

    Things got physical at Villa Park too, as Martin O’Neill squared up to one of his players, after a row over the last Rolo got ugly:

    “There was no wrestling, that was a figment of the onlookers’ imagination.”

    Too true, everyone knows that wrestling is pre-planned, and that the only dignified way to settle a Rolo row is with a good old fashioned Thumb War. One, two, three, four…..

    Over at Stamford Bridge, everyone’s favourite Churchill the dog lookalike, Harry Redknapp, watched his Spurs side get a right whooping and lose two more players to injury before explaining:

    “You can’t go out and play without doing hamstrings, groins or calves.”

    Maybe you should stick to the more traditional heads, shoulders, knees and toes before kick off ‘Arry? You’ve just been asking for trouble haven’t you?

    And finally, having grown tired of the diamond and Christmas tree formations, Gianfranco Zola shares his new masterstroke:

    “I normally like to play with one striker and two small ones behind him.”

    He calls it Il Gallo e le Palle, which roughly translates as The Cock and Balls.

  • Premier League Champions 2010 REVEALED!

    Prepare the champagne!

    liverpool_gerrard_torres

    It’s never anything less than a total and utter joy to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today we welcome back Eliot – a magnificent football writer with a busy, whirring mind. He had this to say about the looming Premier League season…

    The new season. All that sweat and hard labour for busy footballers who really don’t have the time for it all. The cost to supporters of nine months travel up and down the country. All those Saturday night television hours that could be put to better use with shows such as Hole in the Wall. They might as well call the whole thing off – we here at Interestment know how it will finish anyway.

    League Table 2010 (in 10 words)

    1. Liverpool

    The best team last year will have learnt from mistakes.

    2. Arsenal

    Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin. You get the idea with that.

    3. Manchester United

    16 single-goal wins last season. 18 goals lost to Real.

    4. Chelsea

    Mourinho only Premiership winner on debut. Ancelotti not as special.

    5. Everton

    Moyes’s twelve month audition for the Utd job. Added incentive.

    6. Manchester City

    How many of the newbies would start for Manchester United?

    7. Aston Villa

    Captain retired. Vice-captain gone too. Best chance in the cups.

    8. Tottenham Hostpur

    Huntelaar, Young, Vieira all targeted. Sheffield United players arrived instead.

    9. Fulham

    Thin squad may suffer from a lengthy Europa League run.

    10. Blackburn Rovers

    1.3 point average under Allardyce in 08/09. Enough for mid-table.

    11. Bolton Wanderers

    If Elmander settles, Bolton’s frontmen will ensure another decent season.

    12. West Ham United

    Defend well unlike many teams around them. Clarke’s influence critical.

    13. Sunderland

    Darren Bent scores goals wherever he goes. Money well spent.

    14. Burnley

    Strong Cup showings last season against Premiership opposition bodes well.

    15. Birmingham City

    Will benefit from one of the weakest Premier Leagues ever.

    16. Stoke City

    Second season syndrome a factor but should still have enough.

    17. Wigan Athletic

    Lost many good players. Martinez should just keep them up.

    18. Portsmouth

    Disarray defined as Portsmouth in the Oxford Dictionary. 09/10’s Toon.

    19. Wolverhampton Wanderers

    No Premiership experience. Experience of Premiership relegation doesn’t really count.

    20. Hull City

    The surprise factor well and truly departed. Down by Easter.

  • Football Window Watch: Chelsea

    Not this kind of window, silly, the Transfer Window!

    chelsea-window

    As ever, it’s with total glee that we welcome the words of Eliot – an excellent sharp minded football writer – to the Interestment fold. Today he’s talking about Chelsea…

    What they need

    Had Petr Cech played the entire season in a mask (to match his helmet) with a different name on the back of his shirt, general opinion would be that Chelsea’s new keeper had produced a decent debut season. Yet Cech was the best goalkeeper in the world before he had his head punctured, and as such, is judged to higher standards. Nagging doubts persist and Ancelotti’s first task could be to find a new numero uno.

    Who they don’t need

    4568783

    With Deco on the way out, that still leaves Michael Ballack collecting money for jam, and whose most energetic performance of the season was conserved for harrassing a referee. Ballack at Chelsea remains the opposite of irreplaceable.

    Don’t mention

    Man City. In the good old days, they used to close the sweet shop to the general public when Roman entered. Abramovic could pick and choose players as he wished. Yet a new man has since moved in, wealtheir than Roman, and Chelsea are now left with the baffling proposition, that they can only sign those players who Manchester City don’t fancy,

    Inevitably linked with

    becks

    Ageing Italians. David Beckham (from December onwards). International superstars (not good enough for Man City.)

    Any other business

    With Ronaldo gone, the stiff contest for Premier League‘s leading irritating foreigners will be led by Didier Drogba. His last major contribution of the season was a classic header in the Cup Final, his contribution before that however was the flip-flop tantrum versus Barca. Its the former that makes Blues fans put up with the latter – his first three months may set the tone for the entire Ancelotti era.

  • Football: 10 New Faces of 2009

    Yes, this is one of them…

    zaki-2

    As ever, it’s with a great big cheer and a shot of the strong stuff that we welcome Eliot back to the Interestment fold – he’s got a gigantic brain stuffed to the brim with news and opinions about sport. He had this to say about his top ten people made famous by the year in football…

    1. Tom Henning Ovrebo

    ref

    One minute you have a meagre three line entry on Wikipedia, the next you are responsible for the worst swearing on ITV since Gordon Ramsay ceased his tiresome and rather blue, attention-seeking routine. Ovrebro certainly didnt have the Semi Final second leg between Chelsea and Barca under control, but that was no excuse for the sanctimonious outburst from Jamie Redknapp in the Sky studio post-match. Fuming that dear cousin Frank would miss out on yet another ill-deserved medal, Redknapp railed against the craziness of UEFA in allowing someone from little old Norway to officiate in such a big match. Much better allow an Italian. Roberto Rosetti perhaps, whose ludicrous sending off of Darren Fletcher cost Manchester United a ball-winning midfielder in the final, and possibly the trophy itself.

    2. Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan

    sheik

    Not as easy on the tongue as previous owner Franny Lee, and no less easier on the human rights abuses than previous incumbent Thaksin Shinawatra either. But this is the football world we live in today, a mad world where a man with a towel on his head is hailed as a Messiah (a concept he wouldn’t believe in) and whom one of the club’s centre half (Tal Ben-Haim) would be banned from visiting at home due to his nationality. Take a glance out the window to your left, and that would be the recently defenstrated ethics in football flying past.

    3. Federico Macheda

    macheda

    Such is the hype and comprehensive coverage of football these days, it is rare a player that nobody has heard of makes a name for himself in a big fixture. With reserve team football live on television and even Youth Cup Final rights battled over by Sky/Setanta, players tend to emerge onto the stage fully born, with the football pitch being more reminiscent of pantomine (“I’ve seen him in something else”) than an obscure production of Midsummer Night’s Dream at a provincial theatre in Somerset (“I’ve never seen this Bottom before”) Joe Cole, Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen were all new Gazzas whilst barely out of school, and Arsene Wenger uses the Carling Cup to saucily hitch up the skirt and give us a flash of his next generation. So although he scored a goal in the most commercial league in the most commerical arena, in a minute of injury time that existed purely in the mind of Mike Riley, there was something beautiful about Macheda sending Luke Young the wrong way, and curling the ball past Brad Friedel. That goal meant the title was heading back to Old Trafford, and the banner on the Stretford End will now read Twenty Years and Waiting from August.

    4. Brede Hangeland

    hangeland

    Although he signed for Fulham last January, it arguably wasnt until the 1-0 home victory against Arsenal in August, that Brede Hangelandshot to national prominence. Having scored the winner in a Man of the Match display, short of lining up the post-match roast, there is very little extra a modern day footballer can do in a game. It’s easy to laugh at Roy Hodgson – although Jonathan Ross arguably owes his career to the bloke whose lisp he has aped all these years – but his itinerant time in management has certainly paid off. At Viking FK he first coached Hangeland, and ultimately signed him for Fulham. At Inter Milan, he won the UEFA Cup. As manager of the United Arab Emirates, he made a lot of money. Trophies, knowledge and hard shekels – Roy Hodgson, Interestment salutes you.

    5. Dan Gosling

    dan-gosling

    It was a cold February night, a cracking cup-tie between the fiercest of rivals on Merseyside, set for penalties with just seconds on the clock. Then a ball over… the tic tacs are a refreshing sweet, suprisingly low in calories and perfect for refreshing… and jubilant scenes around Goodison.

    6. Amir Zaki

    zaki

    Egyptian centre forwards – occasionally brilliant, frequently temperamental, but every so often struggle with the concept of stepping on a plane marked for Heathrow. Amir Zaki certainly isnt one to rebuff a streotype, starting brilliantly with that goal at Anfield – a goal so good that we all questioned our very existence in its aftermath – before spending much of the winter sulking, eventually vanishing home. Yet there can be no doubt Zaki is a decent player, and it will be interesting to see whether Steve Bruce, who played such a part in the Egyptian’s falling out with Wigan, attempts to sign him up top for Sunderland. If Amir thought living in Wigan was a long way from Cairo….

    7. Charles Insomnia

    charles

    A man we still wouldn’t have heard of were it not for Joe F*Kin’near’s tremendous Wordsworthesque pun, describing his winger Charles N’Zogbia in terms symptomatic of his tiresome whinging. Back in the 90s, when Kinnear was last managing a club in the top 6 of the Premier League, it was appropriate to mock foriegners with exotic names. Those days, alas, are no more, despite rumours of keeper Georg Koch signing for Hull City. So who was the eventual winner in this tiff? Well, Kinnear ended up with a triple bypass, N’Zogbia ended up at Wigan Athletic. Lets call that a no-score draw shall we?

    8. Sandra Redknapp

    sandra

    Given young Jamie’s domestic bliss, it is hard to imagine Harry not enjoying a similar status – lovely palatial gaff, a couple of top top ornaments, and a cracking wife. Alas Harry revealed earlier in the season that his wife is in fact adroit in the air at the far post, as following Darren Bent’s lamentable miss in the match against Portsmouth, he claimed spouse Sandra (above, left) would have put it away. We now imagine Sandra as a Peter Withe figure, irrepressible from a decent cross with a large sweatband around her prominent bonce.
    Redknapp is often hailed as the archetypal hand-round-the-shoulder man manager. Quite how Darren Bent felt after this snide cheapshot is perhaps best left unsaid. Top, top stuff Harry.

    9. Ched Evans

    ched-evans

    Not since Anna Friel’s lesbian kiss on Brookside has there been such a storm over a sex act on primetime television. Michael Essien’s “raping” of young Man City striker Ched Evans caused such a furore, that one half-expected a re-enactment on Crimewatch the following evening. As it was, all we got was a remorseful Alan Pardew, a man who allegedly once shared a bellydancer with Xabi Alonso. More than that, however, we were worthy of a tremendous insight into the common football vernacular, with the training ground perhaps the last bastion of political incorrectness in the workplace.

    10. Susan Boyle

    susan-boyle-10

    Well everyone else has jumped on the bandwagon so we might as well. And it’s not as if all this attention is doing her any harm….

  • Interestment’s Young England XI

    Even this man was too old…

    PD*18796198

    Did anyone see Arsenal at the weekend? Wow. The average age of the team was something like 14, and yet they still managed to win. Win real good. Of course, it’s nothing new for young footballers to destroy older teams, just visit a park on any given weekend and you’ll spot decrepit alcoholics getting hammered ten-nil by teenage glue sniffers – with their hooded tops, and their crunk music. Still, we thought it high time to compile the greatest young England team ever…

    Goalkeeper, Peter Shilton, 21 years old (1970)

    peter-shilton

    In goalkeeping terms, 21 is literally embryonic. Yet, that was Shilts back in 1970 when he first pulled on an England shirt. Young, dumb, and full of enthusiasm. He did, of course, go on to afro wigs, and allowing Maradona to humiliate him. Twice.

    Right Back, Micah Richards, 18 years old (2006)

    micah-richards

    What’s happened to Micah Richards? Just a couple of years ago he was the teen sensation galloping up the right hand side like a maniac. We thought he was the new Jesus Christ. Now he’s just some grumpy old soothsayer going around Manchester shouting at people. At just 20.

    Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate, 19 years old (1999)

    jonathan-woodgate

    Just before he decided to dabble in race hate, Woodgate looked like a shoo-in for the England defence for years to come. But he didn’t – he went loco, then got mangled, then he upped and left to Real Madrid to concentrate on growing his hair. Now he’s back in Blighty with Spurs, and when he’s not sobbing in sick bay demanding that Nurse rub some more Deep Heat into his aching groin, he’s still pretty good at football.

    Centre Back, Rio Ferdinand, 19 years old (1997)

    young-rio

    He’s been around for ages, that Rio Ferdinand, but there was a time when he was just a strange shaven-headed boy from West Ham attempting to make friends with Sol Campbell. Tough gig. He’s since gone on to outshine his former defensive partner, both on the pitch, and when it comes to merking people.

    Left Back, Gareth Barry, 19 years old (2000)

    80943892MT066_England_v_USA

    It’s easy to forget that before he became the sturdy oak in midfield, Barry was a zippy left back with a strange face – like something from the mind of Edvard Munch. Little Kevin Keegs gave him a run out in 2000, which is enough to keep out Ashley Cole – who, by the way, is a loathesome little oik who once stopped midway through sexual intercourse with a hairdresser to be sick, before carrying on. Behind his wife’s back.

    Right Midfield, Theo Walcott, 17 years old (2006)

    theo-walcott

    Everyone went barmy when Walcott kept Defoe out of the 2006 World Cup squad, but now it looks more like a masterstroke. Now shifted out right for the sake of his football education, he still has the face of a confused 7-year-old French exchange student, which is fitting, because he looks all set to morph into England’s version of France’s Thierry Henry.

    Centre Midfield, Joe Cole, 19 years old (2001)

    joe-cole

    For so long, little Joe Cole was the New Gazza, with his zany box of tricks and cheeky little face. Of course, becoming the New Gazza is getting less and less appealing these days. He just looks so thin. Becoming the new Joe Cole on the other hand…

    Centre Midfield, Steven Gerrard, 20 years old (2000)

    steven-gerrard

    The old man of the team, Gerrard made his England debut one whole day after his 20th birthday. As everyone knows, he has since gone on to replace Robbie Fowler as the closest thing Liverpool has to the lord God him/herself. A man never without a curious furrow in his gentle brow.

    Left Midfield, Aaron Lennon, 19 years old (2006)

    aaron-lennon

    Like Micah Richards, Aaron went a little skewiff after his early England games, zooming down the wing like an angry mouse on a motorbike. He was great. The good news is that he’s starting to resemble that young man once again. The bad news is that he still spends at least two hours every morning carefully applying completely pointless go-faster stripes in his eyebrows. Crazy.

    Centre Forward, Wayne Rooney, 17 years old (2003)

    rooney

    Rooney has always been terrifying, but never more so than when he was a 17-year-old former boxer looking for a fight. What a great Euro 2004 he had. It was around that time that he also discovered his lust for old women prostitutes.

    Centre Forward, Michael Owen, 18 years old (1998)

    michael-owen

    To look at Michael Owen now – with his miserable face, his robotronic voice, his Phil Collins CDs – you’d never think that he once lit up the entire planet with his electrifying football. And yet he did. He absolutely did. He was so quick.

  • Interestment’s Football Munchkin XI

    These men are small, but effective…

    baby-football

    If you think that height equates to success, you’re wrong. Look at Hollywood – Tom Cruise is as small as a pigeon, Al Pacino can go eyeball-to-eyeball with a toddler. The men are literally elves, or hobgoblins if you have to get all politically correct about it. Even Daniel Day Lewis is barely bigger than a packet of cigarettes. And so to the football pitch, where strapping athletes thunder around trying to boot a sphere into an onion bag for points. You’d think that only the biggest would survive, but again, you’re totally wrong. Here’s a team of near-midgets that could literally thrash anyone…

    Goalkeeper, Rene Higuita, Colombia

    short-higuita

    Already a veteran of our Football Haircut XI, Higuita was 5 ft 9 inches, which is unthinkably tiny for a modern goalkeeper. He made up for his lack of height by behaving like a total mentalist.

    Right Back, Paul Parker, England

    6902200P FA CUP FINAL

    A fantastic little player, Parker was a big hit at Man United until Gary Neville came along with his rat-like face and ruined the party. Still, for a time, this 5 foot 7 inch marvel was the best right back in Blighty.

    Centre Back, Roberto Ayala, Argentina

    short-ayala

    In real life, at 5 foot 9 inches, Roberto wouldn’t attract the baffled stares of tactless children. But on a football pitch, faced with towering strikers, he had the look of a terrier yapping at a lamp post.

    Centre Back, Fabio Cannavaro, Italy

    FBL-EUR2004-ITALY-SPAIN-FRIENDLY

    Like Ayala, Cannavaro isn’t absurdly short for a human being – at 5 foot 9 inches – but in central defender terms, he’s a dwarf. Or even a baby dwarf. Once crowned World Player of The Year.

    Left Back, Roberto Carlos, Brazil

    short-roberto-carlos

    Roberto, for those who remember, is the zippy defender who once scored a curling free kick that he’s spent the rest of his career attempting to repeat. It was astonishing. Especially to those watching from the cheap seats at the back, wondering how a 5 foot 6 inch munchkin could play to such a high level.

    Right Wing, Lionel Messi, Argentina

    short-messi

    Like so many geniuses (or geniae?), Lionel was told when he was a child that he would never be any good at football, because his growth hormones were all buggered, and he’d be too small. Now he’s the best player in the world, and stands at a whopping 5 foot 7 inches. Take that, science!

    Centre Midfield, Edgar Davids, Holland

    short-davids

    Not only did Davids – a fearsome midfielder – have magnificent hair, but he also wore shades to play football. Not, unfortunately, because he was cool. It was his glaucoma playing up. At the height of his playing career, he stood 5 foot 7 inches tall in studs.

    Centre Midfield, Claude Makelele, France

    WCUP WORLD CUP FRANCE REAX

    To hear people talk of his dominance as a holding midfielder, you’d think that Makelele was a giant barking hound protecting the gates of Hell. Not a dinky little French guy – 5 foot 7 inches – with a supermodel girlfriend. As is the reality.

    Left Wing, Andrei Arshavin, Russia

    Britain Soccer UEFA Cup Final

    Arsenal’s latest import looks like a fantastic buy, and with his flair for fashion design, he should be right at home in North London. At 5 foot 7 inches tall, he makes up the remainder of this tiny little midfield quartet.

    Striker, Kenny Dalglish, Scotland

    short-dalglish

    It was a close call for the second striker spot, with Romario, Zola, Kevin Keegan and Peter Beardsley all just missing out. That’s because, at 5 foot 8 inches, Dalglish qualifies as a relatively short striker, and they don’t come much better. A brilliant player.

    Striker, Diego Maradona, Argentina

    short-maradona

    Simply put, Maradona is the greatest footballer there has ever been, and that is unlikely to change any time soon. Before he went on to bloated bellies and swollen nostrils, he was literally the best thing on the planet – at just 5 foot 5 inches tall to boot.

  • Interestment’s Football XI #5

    No room for Mr Topless…

    Britain Soccer

    It’s always magnificent to hear from a member of the fine Interestment family, and today Eliot – a keen wit, with an eye for sports – has turned his arched eyebrow onto the world of football. He had this to say…

    Goalkeeper, Gerald Gansterer

    All too often these days, a terrible tackle is accompanied by chest-beating apologetics, and the claim from the player, “I played the ball ref”, and from the pundits, “no malice was meant.” Austria remains a no-nonsense sort of place; authoritarian enough to cosy up to Hitler in 1938, but as history has always simply blamed the Germans, the approbation and guilt hasn’t washed it all away yet like their friendly, sausage-loving neighbours. In that spirit, here is the LASK Linz goalkeeper, keeping his eyes firmly on the player, and even waiting until the ball had sailed firmly out of play before assaulting the opposing centre forward. Amazingly, the keeper stayed on the field to face the penalty. Didn’t save it mind. That would have been rubbing it in.

    Centre Back, Phil Jagielka

    Here though is a man who does know how to rub it in. Not content with giving away a blatant penalty in the FA Cup Semi Final, an appeal waved away by Mike Riley (why is that expression waved away always used – it makes referees sound awfully camp), old Jags landed the knockout blow in the shoot-out.

    Centre Back, Arnaud Le Lan

    See Lorik Cana (below) to see why this Lorient full back makes this week’s cut.

    Centre Back, Domingos

    And see Diego Souza (below) to see why the Santos centre-half has been summoned to this illustrious side.

    Right Midfield, Cristiano Ronaldo

    Proving casinos in the North aren’t just the preserve of ostentatious, seedy, preeners… oh hang on a sec. Casino 235 in Manchester was the venue for Ronnie to drop over 1k a time on the roulette tables according to yesterday’s Daily Mail. Red or Black Ronaldo? All of which is a nice change from the option of Red or White he will be dithering over quite publicly this Summer.

    Centre Midfield, Lorik Cana

    Isnt it annoying when a throw-in decision goes against you? Here is Marseille’s Albanian skipper Lorik Cana holding the ball a little too tight, much to the chagrin of Lorient’s le Lan. Incidentally, what is the French word for chagrin? Leave it lads – c’est ridicule apparently (sound required).

    Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard

    Currently squiring James Blunt’s sister, a lovely looking blonde by the name of Daisy Blount. No – that isn’t yet another typo from the easily distracted Interestment editor, that is genuinely the family surname, which James doctored so he wouldn’t sound silly. Insert punchline of your choice.

    According to the august journal that is the Daily Mail, Blount runs Belvedere Properties, a small private concierge business that locates luxurious chalets, villas and boat trips for its wealthy members. Said paper goes on to add unnecessarily, “This enterprise was started by her parents.” Great – can’t think how she managed to land that gig.

    Left Midfield, Francis Lee

    You know the drill by now kids.

    Striker, Diego Souza

    And you thought Zinedine Zidane over-reacted to something whispered gently in his ear. Here is some harmless chaos from Palemiras v Santos. Having just come on for the away side, defender Domingos ran straight over to Diego Souza, almost as if his sole purpose for joining the game was to antagonise his compatriot. Souza took the bait and retaliated violently to some obviously choice words.

    Having rolled over like he’d been thumped by a London policeman, Domingos continued to attract Souza’s ire even after red cards had been shown, and the frontman eventually broke free of team-mates clutches to re-enter the field and attack Domingos properly this time

    Striker, Lauri Dalla Valle

    The Liverpool striker may go on to have a long and fruitful career in front of goal, but it is unlikely he will bag a goal as simple as this third in Liverpool’s 3-0 first leg FA Youth Cup semi-final, as Blues keeper Dean Lyness decided to use the first televised match of his life to make the biggest blunder of his career to date. Wikipedia informs us that Dalla Valle’s father was the head of a mushroom company, and perhaps Lyness had been dabbling in a few ‘shrooms prior to kick off.

    Striker Dimitar Berbatov

    Finally it appears that someone has pointed out the emperor doesn’t have any clothes. Berbatov was a flat-track bully at Spurs – he only scored one goal against clubs in the top half during his first season there – and has now been found out. His style of play is sulky and enigmatic apparently, although I think we all know that if Mr Berbatov was African and played in the same languid way (a la Didier Drogba) these adjectives would soon turn to, disinterested and lazy.

  • Interestment’s Premier League Top Four XI

    No room for certain ladies…

    lamps-and-jt

    It is with absolute joy that we welcome Eliot, fantastic writer of sport, back from his holiday and straight into the Interestment fold. With so much to play for between Man United, Liverpool, Chelsea, and Arsenal, he thought he’d have a go at compiling the best combo team imaginable. He had this to say…

    Goalkeeper, Pepe Reina, Liverpool

    reina

    Although Edwin van der Sar could have grown a beard to rival W.G. Grace in that long hiatus he had between having to pick the ball out of the net earlier this year, the best goalkeeper in the Top 4 remains Pepe Reina. His qualities are endless – this paragraph luckily isn’t, however, so let’s simply highlight how he is never flustered, how expert he is at saving penalties and also how surprisingly tall he is at 6ft2 (which itself reminds us of the golden rule that bald goalkeepers always look small; Barthez, de Goey and now Reina – all 6ft+, all looked like Borrowers in the goal.) Reina just pips Manuel Almunia, one reason being that with the imminent release of the Sacha Baron Cohen film Bruno, you will be more than fed up of Bruno/Almunia lookalikes pinging their way to your inbox. So Manuel will get his turn in the spotlight shortly. Reina’s turn first.

    Right Back, Rafael da Silva, Man United

    da-silva

    On the basis that members of the PFA fill in their voting slips between breaks filling in Danielle Lloyd, it is a tribute to the ability of the young full back that said footballers could be bothered to write such a lengthy name on the form in such a short space of time. Rafael, whose younger brother Fabio is rumoured to be “even better” – yawn – came to prominence in the Carling Cup. No really. The highlight of his season was this dipping volley at the Emirates, albeit in a losing cause.

    Left Back, Fabio Aurelio, Liverpool

    5741258

    The second Samba selection, proving that Brazilians really do produce the best full backs, although whether full backs produce the best Brazilians is a question best left rhetorical. Having mooched around Anfield unnoticed for the past three years, perhaps offering the odd biscuit to Robbie Keane, Aurelio looked all set to add his name to an already lengthy list of Benitez full back shame, including such memorable characters as Josemi and Kromkamp. Yet the free kick at Old Trafford was merely indicative of the former Valencia man finally getting into the swing of it all, and his crossing has managed to make redundant the absence of Steve Finnan’s deadly balls into the box.

    Centre Back, Rio Ferdinand, Man United

    rio

    Whilst the great and the good of the punditocracy (not you Shearer) ponder the reason for United’s recent defensive frailty (is it the keeper? Is it the lack of a defensive screen blah blah?), us mere mortals prefer instead to point out the absence of England’s best defender since Bobby Moore. Rio has come a long way since filming Kieron Dyer slapping his manhood on a woman’s head in Ibiza. For Kieron Dyer however, that was as good as it got.

    Centre Back, Nemanja Vidic, Man United

    vidic

    A tougher call this, as Gallas, Martin Hurt-all and Alex have all stood out at the back for their respective clubs this season. Yet Nemanja just edges it, playing the more rugged Danni to Rio’s stylish Kylie. Shoo-in for PFA Footballer of the Year, and a rare popular Eastern European immigrant.

    Right Midfield, Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool

    kuyt

    Kuyt’s transition from workhorse, goal-shy fish out of water to workhorse, goal-shy fish out of water has not gone unnoticed this season. Yet all of a sudden, in a season of unrelenting mediocrity from the Top Four, the striker who scores no goals has become the connoisseurs’ (not you Shearer) must-have item. All of which leaves just one question – why the long face Dirk?

    Left Midfield, Cristiano Ronaldo, Man United

    ronaldo

    Whilst he has failed to hit the heights of the past two years (probably deliberately in an attempt to lower his valuation within the range of Real Madrid), Ronaldo has still scored more goals than anyone else in the Premier League. If he hadn’t scaled such vertiginous summits in 08, the spectre of a midfielder topping the scoring charts would have us all giddy, fanning ourselves whilst a dashing gentleman pulls up a conveniently placed chair. Yet we take him for granted, and as such, our league will feel as empty as Damien McBride’s inbox next season when He heads to Madrid. Although probably not as empty as our summers will feel, having to read about that transfer every day. Again.

    Centre Midfield, Michael Essien, Chelsea

    michael-essien

    So good they gave him two nicknames. The Bison may not have played a match until March but he returned just in time to steal (at Anfield appropriately enough) the crown of World’s Best Midfielder off the head of Steven Gerrard, and place it onto his own sweat-drenched brow. One suspects The Train will be pulling into Rome on May 27th, although planned engineering works loom in the shape of Messi, Henry and co in the semi final. Useless fact alert – Essien claims to sleep 15 hours a day – the perfect rejoinder for teenagers across the land still enjoying a lie-in.

    Centre Midfield, Javier Mascherano, Liverpool

    javier

    Its bizarre to think that Mascherano couldn’t replace Hayden Mullins in the West Ham first team just two short years ago. It equally too serves as an indictment on coach Alan Pardew, a man who had the initials AP sowed into the seating of his Ferrari, but couldn’t get this Rolls Royce of a footballer purring. In other Pardew/Liverpool midfielder-related news, the former Charlton gaffer had a falling out with Xabi Alonso, as they were both contemporaneously enjoying the pleasures of an exotic dancer on Merseyside. Allegedly.

    ITH, Steven Gerrard, Liverpool

    gerrard

    In The Hole of course, that imaginary piece of terrain usually host to a wily, albeit slightly chubby continental. Over the last eight months, Gerrard has shown the added bonus of having an athlete in that position, his link-up play with Torres the calling card of Liverpool’s victories this season. Such performances have even induced the reticent Rafa to reluctantly describe him through gritted teeth whilst frowning as the best player in the world. Just don’t play Phil Collins in his presence, whatever you do.

    Striker, Robin van Persie, Arsenal

    van-persie

    Included ahead of Anelka and Torres as otherwise this would be a Top 3 team only and Mr Interestment would duly sack me. Van Persie suffers more cuts than Bank of England interest rates yet keeps coming back from his injury breaks as good as ever, banging in both goals and assists in an otherwise impotent Arsenal attack. In the unlikely event Aston Villa pip Arsenal to 4th spot, take out RVP and slot in John Carew, the best target man in the country. I think that has covered all bases, pesky Everton aside.

  • Interestment’s Football Lookalike XI

    No room for these particular lookalikes…

    shrek

    Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.

    Goalkeeper, David James

    david

    Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.

    Right Back, Gary Neville

    ziggy

    Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.

    Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate

    mummy

    Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.

    Centre Back, Olof Melberg

    charles-manson

    We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.

    Left Back, Ashley Cole

    AFGHANISTAN BIN LADEN

    This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.

    Right Midfield, David Beckham

    fabio

    Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).

    Centre Midfield, Joey Barton

    martin-fowler

    Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.

    Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard

    lampard-poodle

    Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.

    Left Midfield, Ronaldinho

    cb4

    Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.

    Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez

    ugly-betty

    Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.

    Centre Forward, Peter Crouch

    lurch

    Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.

  • Interestment’s Football Haircut XI

    Not including this maniac…

    beckham

    With usual writer of excellent sporting insight, Eliot, away on holiday, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to honour some footballers. But rather than concentrate on the current crop – with their big watches and expensive club memberships – we thought we’d shine a spotlight on the warriors of old. Focusing mainly on their lovely hairstyles.

    Hence, football’s greatest Haircut XI reads thusly…

    Goalkeeper, Rene Higuita

    higuita

    The handsome Columbian goalie is just as famous for his great saves as he is for his gorgeous dark curly hair. The kind you could lose a stroking hand in.

    Right Back, Sergio Ramos

    sergio-ramos

    An incredible lover of women, Ramos is famous in Spain for his prolific sex life. And is it any wonder when he has a brilliant Rachel Cut?

    Centre Back, Barry Venison

    vennison

    Before he became a serious pundit with a normal hairstyle, Venison used to adopt womanly cuts to fool opposition attackers into thinking he might be a walkover. More fool them.

    Centre Back, Des Walker

    des-walker

    One of the first footballers to steal heavily from hip hop stylings, Des went for a flat top with an interesting kink in it.

    Left Back, Alexi Lalas

    lalas

    Probably the most famous American footballer, he was relatively good in defence, but even better when it came to maintaining complicated hair and a manly beard. Solid.

    Right Midfield, Tony Daley

    tony-daley

    This guy was like grease lightening, and just edges out Beckham, thanks to his classic toupee look.

    Centre Midfield, Carlos Valderrama

    valderama

    The reigning champion of football haircuts, Valderrama captains the side, with his glorious My Little Pony mane. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

    Centre Midfield, Bobby Charlton

    bobby-chartlon

    It’s easy to forget that footballers didn’t used to be totally vain. Bobby is here to remind us of that with his strange, elderly gentleman hair.

    Left Midfield, Chris Waddle

    chris-waddle

    The only thing more striking and elusive than Chris’ football skills was his actual hair. Sometimes excellent, often weird, it drew the crowds.

    Centre Forward, Ruud Gullit

    gullit

    Gullit could play pretty much anywhere on the pitch, he was totally brilliant. His trademark locks were universally applauded as well.

    Centre Forward, Kevin Keegan

    kevin-keegan

    It was never in doubt, Keegan was always going to lead the line. A small, strange man, he made up for his lack of natural talent by working very very hard, and striding into a local barbers and demanding something a little bit permed and unusual.

  • Interestment’s Football Eleven #3

    No room for these heroes…

    gerrard-torres1

    As ever, our terrific football expert Eliot has been casting a very intrigued eye over the weekend’s football. It’s great to hear from him again. He had this to say of his weekend’s 3-5-2…

    Goalkeeper, Dave Seaman

    Old Safe Hands himself, whose mitts appear to be slightly less secure when it comes to keeping hold of his women. Having split with first wife Sandra fifteen years ago, Seaman has now sacked it off with second hunch Debbie.

    Seaman’s agent told the NOTW that his client was simply “bored” – a chivalrous and charming statement if ever there was one. Given the same paper sums up the ex-England keeper’s last few years as “indulging his hobbies of fly-fishing and golf and he also competed in ITV1’s hit Dancing on Ice show in 2006” the agent may wish to consider how secure his own position alongside Seaman is.

    This in a nutshell is the problem for former keepers. Living in their own world throughout their playing days, they can’t turn their hand to management, general coaching gophery, or even punditry. So they are forced to walk out on their kids to alleviate the boredom. Mankind must find a cure to this potentially damaging social ill.

    Of even more concern to the planet’s premier species, is that 36 people found the time on their Sunday afternoon to comment on a story involving the marriage of two people they have never met.

    Centre Back, Heiko Westermann

    Continuing our theme of defenders scoring tremendous goals, Westermann banged in his ninth of the season as Schalke took the lead at Wolfsburg. But one of the many surprise packages of this season’s Bundesliga hit back and eventually won 4-3. There is no joke in this small paragraph; the Germans take their volleys most seriously.

    Centre Back, Nemanja Vidic

    Not Nemanja’s finest hour: at fault for the first goal, getting sent off for a cynical foul on Steven Gerrard, which itself resulted in Liverpool’s third, as they ran riot at Old Trafford. Vidic aside, the result proved Rafa Benitez once and for all as the Mark Zuckerberg of the Premier League; forever meddling unnecessarily, but eventually, after much dismay and complaint, it all seems to make sense.

    Centre Back, Ray Wilkins

    Raymond as Gianluca Vialli calls him, features this week as the captain of the last team to win 4-1 at Old Trafford, when his QPR side romped home back on New Years Day 1992, in front of a gushing Elton Welsby. Hat-trickster in that match was Dennis Bailey who revealed after the match, ” I go to the Pentecostal in Brixton every Sunday when I reflect on the week just passed.” Whatever happened to religious top-flight footballers in Britain? Come on the new generation; lets invoke the Lord more often. QPR winning 4-1 at Manchester United does smack of a miracle after all.

    Right Midfield, Wayne Rooney

    We’re playing Rooney out wide (which he HATES) as punishment for naughtily telling the world that he hates Liverpool, comments that were hastily edited out of the Manchester United website from whence they came. Lord Fergie himself clarified claiming that Rooney didn’t mean hate; rather its just that the word dislike has fallen out of fashion amongst the nation’s youths. I blame Kelis“I dislike you so much right now” would have sent a far better example to the listening youngsters on Merseyside.

    Centre Midfield, Eric Cantona

    Nicole? Papa? Non- c’est Eric. Pourquoi? Je ne sais pas.

    Centre Midfield, Francesco Favasuli

    This is a strange goal indeed in the Cavese vs Juve Stabia match. The ball disappears off the foot of Serie C dynamo Favasuli, comes down a few seconds later with some debris from Mars, and slap, nestles in the old onion bag. Incidentally, following this incident at the weekend, the Oxford Dictionary have replaced the current definition of the word hapless and replaced it with a picture of the Juve Stabia goalkeeper as the ball loops over him.

    Centre Midfield, Francis Lee

    Nope – his inclusion last week wasn’t a mistake from the lazy editor. This remains interesting. Very interesting in fact.

    Left Midfield, Morten Gamst Pedersen

    Abraham Lincoln once remarked, “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” Diving like this will not fool any people at any time. Better luck next time MGP.

    Striker, Giuseppe Mascara

    A second Interestment XI appearance for the Catania man, as he scored another cracker at the weekend. Of more importance, this of course is also an opportunity to include those missed puns from last time, such as pointing out how made up Catania fans were, how it was one in the eye for the opposition Udinese, and how his goals are fast becoming the foundation of Catania’s successful fight against relegation.

    Striker, Zlatan Ibrahimovic

    For those still hunting Mourinho’s “best player in Europe” following his latent appearances against Manchester United in recent weeks, here is Zlatan Ibrahimovic doing what he does best; scoring astounding goals against mediocre teams in largely insignificant matches.

  • Interestment’s Football Eleven #2

    No room for these young sex machines…

    GYI0050873829.jpg

    It is with complete and unadulterated joy that we welcome excellent sports writer Eliot back to glance over the weekend’s football. You won’t find a team as intriguing as this one anywhere in cyberspace. Believe.

    Goalkeeper, Sergio Romero

    Goalkeepers; a strange breed, the dippy appearance stemming from years of being the last pick in the school playground, consequently being thrust into goal against all wishes and so spending much of the lunch-break ’32 all’ classics bending down to get the ball from the net. But surely, despite years of taking a cow’s udder full-on in the face, even this most dense of creature would realise the importance of the ‘hands’ in the day job.

    But no, the current custodian of Dutch league leaders (that the EreDivisie to yoush and meesh) AZ Alkmaar, decided that so traumatic was the 2-1 cup defeat to NEC Breda, the best possible outcome would be his removal from the team for six weeks with a broken hand. So he thumped the wall with his fist. Well done Sergio Romero. Next week, Huw Edwards cuts off his tongue in a similarly well-thought-out career move.

    Right Back, Steven Taylor

    Being a round of the FA Cup that isn’t the third, Newcastle United were not in action this weekend. Yet defender Steven Taylor, fresh from telling Ronaldo – in a comedic manner echoing Winston Churchill no less – that he was ugly, revealed to the Times on Friday how he intends to help the Toon fight the drop.

    “I find myself getting bored a lot and when I’m bored, I’m dangerous. The fun part is trying to get out of trouble. But there’s a serious side to it as well. For our Christmas do, we went out for a bonding session and a couple of the young lads, Fraser Forster and Jonny Godsmark, decided to go home early. When I looked around and saw they’d gone, I thought, ‘We’re in this together, you can’t do that.’ The consequences were me getting a master key card, going into their room and using a Bic to shave their hair off. They had Mohicans. And that was just my little warning. The next night, they were out with the rest of us until the very end. That’s how it should be. That’s how this football club needs to stay together. It might sound daft, but it’s important.”

    “I also get the lads playing pool,” Taylor continued. “With forfeits. If you lose, you’ve got to do something like take a shot of Tabasco, or have an ice bath. I get more nervous doing that than playing football.”

    Steven Taylor is club captain of Newcastle United. AC Milan captain, and five times European Cup winner Paulo Maldini, probably doesn’t behave like this.

    Left Back, Ashley Cole

    For showing us all how an evening spent raising charity should end. After all, we only do good deeds so as to cancel out our discrepancies. Ashley was planning in advance.

    Centre Back, Alex

    Guus Hiddink’s book of innovative tactical genius part 26: Start play with nine players, send on additions at random points so they can’t be traced by the opposition. Watch them score. Deny its cheating.

    Centre Back, Cagdas Atan

    Crazy name, crazy guy, and some crazy goalkeeping for this free kick. Hertha Berlin go a goal down at Cottbus, but you’ll be relieved to know they recovered to win 3-1, and stretch their lead to 4 pts at the top of the Bundesliga.

    Right Midfield, David Beckham

    A man who continues to prove you can have it all. Going against 120 years of transfer consensus, Beckham is now organizing his own little timeshare between European giants AC Milan, and American non-entities, LA Galaxy. Try and buy a player 20 minutes after the window closes on August 31st, and you might as well be trying to rape Sepp Blatter’s mother. Yet Beckham has managed to bend the transfer system around the wall, to suit his own climatic preferences. Milan in Autumn and Spring; LA in Winter and Summer.

    When he married in 1999, Beckham, like most men at that time, could never have imagined tiring of steamrollering Victoria Beckham. When he signed up for a life playing the beautiful game in the MLS, Becks surely never imagined he could tire of California. The existential moral of the story is that everything gets rubbish eventually, so death is necessary, or else ennui would set in for us all. A point old Becks is probably mulling over this very moment.

    Left Midfield, Francis Lee

    This is still interesting. Very interesting in fact.

    Centre Midfield, Alex Song

    The man the Arsenal fans sarcastically christen the African Beckenbauer suddenly morphed into the African Zidane (yes, we know the original Zidane was born in Africa too, clever clogs), with his sublime back-heel for Emmanuel Eboue’s third goal yesterday. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

    Centre Midfield, Marcelo Gallardo

    Gaining the moniker of “the new Maradona” is as common for diminutive Argentinian playmakers as it is for English new-borns to be looked after by grandma whilst mummy finishes her GCSEs. Marcelo Gallardo has never quite lived up the hype, with two brief spells in France the only European airing of his talents. Yet his goal two minutes into this clip, a goal that put River Plate 2-1 up against Arsenal Sarandi, is meriting of a wider audience.

    Striker, Ronaldo

    Yes, nice old cuddly Brazilian Ronaldo, back amongst the goals for Corinthians, a last minute header to equalise against Palmeiras. Good to have you back big guy. Aw shucks, look at that smile.

    Striker, Eduardo

    Every ten years or so, in order to compensate for the heartless society we live in, a nation grieves far in excess to any genuine anguish we feel. In the 80s, we mourned the loss of John Lennon despite many years earlier mourning the loss of his talent. In the 90s, we had Diana, a woman who touched many, but ultimately, a woman who none of us had ever had round for tea.

    This decade, we have had the venerated Eduardo, a hero to all of us, who unfortunately injured his leg on the battlefields of Birmingham. Thankfully, against all odds and unlike dozens of other footballers who have also come back from injury, the Croatian has bravely retuned, displaying his heroic credentials by scoring goals against Cardiff City and Burnley.

    Bunting shall be hung from every street corner in honour of this plucky foreigner, and a Bank Holiday shall be declared henceforth, on March 8th, National Eduardo Day. <yawn yawn>

    Enjoy his sliced volley anyhow.

  • Interestment’s Football Eleven #1

    Somehow, no place for this guy…

    bentley

    It’s always a pleasure to bring another keen, lively mind into the Interestment family, so give new boy Eliot a fashionable welcome – paying particular attention to his fizzing wit and football brain. He will be talking through his team of the weekend every single Monday from now until the end of time. Or, indeed, the end of the season. His first eleven looks like this:

    [ad#Adsense Great]

    Goalkeeper, Shaquille O’Neal

    Basketball. One team goes up the school hall and the tall chap places the ball over-aggressively in a hoop. The opposing team does the same. Repeat until adverts. US sports are so tiresome, hence it’s no surprise that Shaq O’Neal celebrates his rather perfunctory penalty save in a manner more befitting Gordon Banks tipping Pele’s header over the bar. Well done Shaq – have a biscuit.

    Right Back, Elvis Alves Pereira

    Like finding out that not all Frenchmen are great lovers and not all Scousers claim dole, here is a Brazilian shattering some lazy stereotypes by being rubbish at football.

    Left Back, Hrvoje Čale

    In line with other leagues in Europe which don’t have Manchester United in them, the Turkish league is being led by an unfancied side, the “Black Sea Storm” themselves, Trabzonspor. As part of their all-conquering antics, a different player dances at the end of their side’s league victories, and this week, it was the turn of the young Croatian left-back to lead the way. Ah, that fun-loving Turkish football culture.

    Centre-Back, Julien Feret

    Here’s the Nancy defender pulling a goal back against PSG. John Terry probably can’t do this. Bloody English clogger defenders put to shame once more by sophisticated ball-playing continental counterparts. Where to guv?

    Centre-Back, John Terry

    Whats that you say? John Terry volleying in from 25 yards on Saturday? Better than Feret you say? Ah…

    Right Midfield, Cristiano Ronaldo

    Old Ronnie is a regular in these sort of weekly elevens, and has seen trinklets rain down on him for all manner of ways in which he gets a ball from A to B, despite a wall (let’s call it C) being cunningly placed in his way. But not this week. We at Interestment dont know if Aesop’s Fables ever managed to crack the tough children’s literature market in Portugal but it’s safe to say copies were not so prevalent in the Ronaldo family.

    Having spent the best part of six years diving to win penalties, and generally being a wily cheat, Ronaldo’s first ever genuine shout for a spot-kick was waved away on Sunday afternoon by Chris Hoy, who only heard the word “Wolf” whilst around him United players cried “Penalty!!!” As Aesop had already forewarned us all – “Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, but then perish when he tells the truth.” In other words, Ronaldo should count himself lucky he only got a yellow card.

    Centre Midfield, Ricardo Gardner

    Gardner would be in Garth Crooks’ team of the week for scoring a lovely winner with only his second touch against Newcastle. He’s in our team of the week for releasing a reggae track under the name “Bibi”. Because, kids, that’s how we roll.

    Centre Midfield, El-Hadji Diouf

    If you’ve ever wanted to hear a man who has scored in the world cup say, “If I’m not a footballer, I shag your mum every fucking single day,” step this way. That’s all of you then.

    Left Midfield, Francis Lee

    Thanks to Barry Davies, this man was the first to make the beautiful game interesting.

    Striker, Giuseppe Mascara

    When the world of online football eventually begins to run out of ideas, websites will produce comedy elevens, such as teams composed of players called Fred, and teams of players who didnt quite make the grade at Portsmouth. Well here’s one for the team of players whose name sounds like make-up, he being Giuseppe Mascara, captured here scoring a screamer for Catania at the weekend. Football365 circa 2011, you can thank us later.

    Striker, Gary Hunter

    You’re a Morecambe fan who has shlepped to Grimsby, it’s 2-2 on a freezing Tuesday night by the sea. It smells of fish, the people around you smell of fish, you probably smell of fish by now. The wife has left dinner in the oven, which only goes to confirm those suspicions you had about her playing away. But then this happens, and one is reminded why we bother with the fickle mistress that is football. Twiss with the corner, Hunter does the rest.

  • Excellent football news for fashion fans

    Football by day, glamourous frock maker by night

    arshavin

    Football and fashion have always maintained an awkward relationship. For every stylish gesture from players like Becksie, Cisse, and The Redknapp Family, you get Paul Scholes wearing a jumper from Millets, or Jamie Carragher in his training kit at a Royal Gala event. It’s totally confused, so thank goodness for the arrival of Andrei Arshavin, Arsenal’s newest signing. The word on the street is that the Russian isn’t just a fantastic football player, he’s also an absolutely excellent fashion designer, having studied frocks and cocktail dresses at university. So expect to see Wenger, Fabregas and the rest of the guys kitted out in fine silk scarves and winkle pickers before the season is out. Chelsea FC, it’s time to up your fashion game. That means you Lampsie, you JT, you Drog Drog, you The Cole Sisters, you Dexy, you Nelksie Face etc…

    [ad#Adsense Fashion]

  • Jermain Defoe gets all Donny Hathaway about it

    Hey, haven’t we seen you somewhere before?

    jermaine-defoe

    It’s nothing new for footballers to look to style icons in search of their vibe. Becksie famously plunders through his wife’s wardrobe to find nice sparkly frocks to make him feel special, and anyone who hasn’t seen Lampsie, JT, Drog Drog and the Cole Sisters skipping through Top Man merrily pretending that items of clothing are gymnastic ribbons obviously hasn’t ever been to Top Shop. Honestly, go on Friday – they’ll be there. Which leads us convieniently to Tottenham Hotspur’s prodigal child, Jermain Defoe. Ignoring his fellow player’s lust for silks, last night he fashioned his look on one of soul musics most beloved icons, Donny Hathaway. By which we mean that he wore a hat.

    [ad#Adsense Fashion]

    donny-hathaway

    Some classic Hathaway AND classic Defoe after the jump…

    Read more…

  • Big judgemental fashion eye on football

    Where’s the next Freddie coming from?

    freddie-ljungberg

    Ever since Freddie Ljungberg decided to hang up his boots and plunge conkers first into full time underpants modeling, it’s been difficult to see who might pick up the greasy fashion baton left behind by him and Becksie.

    [ad#Adsense Fashion]

    At first it looked like Chelsea boys Lampsie and JT might start experimenting with dangerous new looks, but those hopes have been all but dashed. Bentley at Spurs has the look of a man who might yet dazzle the punters with some bold style statements, but his profile is still too small.

    Footballers, Interestment’s big fashion eye is watching you. Props this weekend should really go to Agbonlahor, Lennon, Ashley Young, Berbsie, Anelka and Jimmy Bullard for adhering to the fashionable code of glove season. And an extra big slap on the back goes to Arsenal’s Mr Serious, Cesc Fabregas, for experimenting with a full-torso understocking.