Formerly Mr Frank Lampard…
It must be the worse kind of punch in the underpants to be dumped by Frank Lampard. You’ve bore him the fruits of his very small but elegant loins, you’ve ignored the sweaty mist that squirts from every handshake he enters into, and you’ve spent night after night enduring his laborious explanations about various goals that he almost scored for Chelsea. Some nights, you were duty-bound to receive his slobbering tongue kisses as well, as sweat dripped from his angular nose, landing directly onto your pupil, causing you to squeal, which he misinterpreted as delight. It was a tough time. Probably a horrible time. So no wonder Elen Rives – formerly fiancee to Lady Frank – is throwing herself into single life with verve and gusto. Just this week, various news desks have been left in a quivering silence after pictures turned up of Rives partying at the Mobos, with her womanly Spanish bosoms damn near escaping from her dress. Frank would never have allowed that, they’re thinking. And they’re probably right. Excellent work, Elen. You go girl… as they say.
Elsewhere in the serious world of celebrity, everyone is completely flipping out because girl band The Saturdays have decided to go on holiday, and Peaches Geldof went out and got really drunk in a bar that no one can honestly afford. She looks a bit pissed according to one investigative journalist.
Yes, people saw everything… ie. nipple
Science is great, it teaches us everything we need to know about breathing oxygen in, and carbon dioxide out. Without it, we wouldn’t know that bubbling water equals hot water, so amongst many other great life lessons, it’s prevented lots of embarrassing burns related humiliations. Plus, more recently, science has brought to our attention exactly what happens when a flash camera comes into near-contact with a silky black top – it renders the flimsy blouse almost entirely see-through. Hence, the clever celebrities who read books and manuals now know to pop on an undergarment if they’re heading into a heavily policed paparazzi zone wearing a sexy little black number. But unfortunately, it appears that the mathletes in Girls Aloud don’t bother with education now that they’re famous, so when Nadine Coyle – the lead singer, and third most beautiful – decided to swan around LA in a black top minus a supportive bra, those with cameras were placed on full nipple alert. And bingo, the circular Irish private part has zipped around celebrity news desks, leaving one particular journalist guffawing into his large cappuccino, wondering whether she’s done the whole thing on purpose, so that people might take her seriously as a solo artist. An argument that would suggest that she does understand important scientific logic after all. Have we been wrong all along about these girls?
In other important celebrity news, one or two members of the high ranking showbiz press are astonished that Helena Bonham Carter opted to wear a certain red swimming costume on holiday, as they have issues with what the garment is doing to her figure, particularly around the buttock area. And over in sunny England, Mark Owen is making an honest man of himself by marrying his girlfriend.
Celebrity in cocaine shocker!
It’s hard to accept it when someone you love is a drug addict. You can live in total denial, convinced that their gigantic pupils and open conversations with an invisible koala bear are just hilarious dinner party jokes – they’re being quirky. Or you might explain their overlong livid spider monkey impression as a strange side effect of drinking too much tea. It’s only when they appear on the front page of a national newspaper shoveling Tony Montana size dollops of cocaine into their withered nostrils that you finally accept it that, yes, they might have occasionally been dabbling with drugs. Hence, there was a resigned silence smothering big celebrity news desks this week when Kerry Katona was finally caught with her metaphorical pants down having a nose up. One showbusiness journalist in particular can’t quite believe that the mother-of-some has been piling herself with narcotics, and then denying it. How could she lie to us? Surely drug users should be more open? Some might argue that by constantly appearing on television with her bottom lip desperately gnawing her top lip, she didn’t really need to spell it out. Massive sectors of the celebrity world have been so upset by Kerry’s demise that they’ve been overheard sniffing in nightclub toilets, obviously doing their crying in private. Sometimes in groups of two or three.
In other showbiz news, Amy Winehouse has left the entire planet agog by having little blobs of white spattered about HER nose. And, in non-drug-related news, Kanye West has got a new girlfriend (below), and she’s really pretty. If a bit bald.
Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
Dares to look nice in swimming gear…
It’s been the phenomenon of the summer, this new breed of elderly women that dare to pass 40 and still look sexually attractive with their clothes off. As everyone of sound mind knows, once you pass 40, it’s time to slowly remove yourself from society and silently allow all of your body parts to embark on their slow descent towards your knees. That way, once you reach actual old age, you might resemble an owl wearing a flesh poncho. That’s the aim anyway. Or, should we say, that WAS the aim? Because now, there is a whole host of elderly rebels – led by the one-time supermodel Cindy Crawford – who have stuck a middle finger up to the heavens and insisted on maintaining their gorgeousness for as long as they bloody well like. It’s a brave, terrifying move, and just today showbusiness desks all around London have been thrown into a petrified silence by pictures of Sadie Frost – the one who bore Jude Law a mighty litter of will-be Pixie Geldofs – bouncing around in Ibiza, wearing a bikini, looking magnificent, like someone in their 20s. One celebrity journalist in particular seems aghast that this woman can be 44.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, the irreverent celebrity sites – ie. just the same as Heat, only with the occasional “shit” thrown in to show how dangerous and unbelievably irreverent they are – have been all over the ongoing Andre and Jordan saga like dogs-on-string sniffing around rancid festival toilets. And Keisha from the Sugababes (below) went out for a few drinks and got totally drunk.
That’s right, this woman is at it again
For most of the human race, the beach is an intimidating landscape, where hundreds of judgmental eyes hidden beneath sunglasses study you top to foot, surveying your body for hiccups. Those Winter beers might have left a wobbling gut spilling over your swimming knickers, or perhaps your thighs have the consistency of three-day-old custard? You are, after all, a normal person. The good news is that around 93 per cent of people on the beach look much better covered up. But unfortunately, the remaining 7 per cent will leave a permanent smudge on the brain, with their taut, muscular, sensual bodies. Even their tan comes out even. 84 per cent of the 7 per cent work in the entertainment industry – be it as a stripper, an actress, a bodybuilder, a pop star, a stylist. And just this week, a host of pretty actresses have left showbusiness desks agog with their bikini bodies – particularly Jennifer Lopez. She’s 40 years old, declared one journalist in particular, and yet she still looks wonderful in her dinky red bikini. It’s her bum that made her famous, they continue, blissfully unaware that it was actually her singing, dancing and acting. Her bum was just a plump, happy coincidence.
Elsewhere in the celebrity world, Jessica Alba caused a stunned head-shaking silence when she took to a beach looking attractive and thin – even though she’s had a baby! Like, a few months ago! And Jack Nicholson made everyone barf by having a big blubbery stomach.
The word oozing down from showbiz desks like slime leaking from a dying monster’s mouth and eyes is that Jude Law has been busily enjoying unprotected sex again – this time with models. In particular, a model called Samantha Burke, who graciously accepted the inside of Law’s underpants whilst he was taking a break from filming Sherlock Holmes, the Guy Ritchie interpretation – which, we presume, will surely feature a whiskey soaked cockney voice over, some right tarts, and a slow motion punch up. In fact, it was probably called Sherlock Faackin’ ‘olmes, you Jaffa before the censors got to it. Anyway, that’s all by the by, the point is that Law’s now put a baby inside this pouting glamour puss, and she wants REVENGE! Or, more specifically, money. Celebrity journalists are pleased to note that the actor has agreed to hurl part of his fortune at the kid, and might even incorporate the thing into his actual family, which already features a small flock of future Peaches Geldofs that he had with Sadie Frost.
In other massive celebrity news, Cheryl Cole left the entire showbusiness world in a stunned silence when she arrived home for work looking a little bit tired, and Lily Allen – the one that sings about the little things in life, somehow mistaking laborious monotony for something remotely profound – made a cock of herself by parading around with silver circles around her eyes. Celebrity journalists have been overheard guffawing over that one, before sniffing up more lines of expensive talc and snogging each other. Just how they roll.
This is a brave women… so they say
Most days celebrities will wake up and spend around two or three hours toning up their bodies, before calling a good stylist and a make up artist and demanding that they drop what they’re doing, come over, and make sure that they look suitably stunning for their trip to Waitrose. There, they will prove to the world that they do normal things, like shopping for food. Only, it’s really nice expensive food. Food that you can only dream of. On the way home, they will probably hurl the food out of the chauffeur driven car window into a dumpster, or onto the pavement. They don’t really need it, they’re off for another lunch on expenses at Ramsey’s place. That’s just how famous people live. So, it was met with an almighty gasp when pictures of Rachel Stevens and Sonia from Eastenders turned up on showbusiness desks this morning – neither of them wearing any make up. This daring move was embarked on for the latest issue of the celebrated Hollywood pamphlet Heat magazine, and the results of the shoot have left most of the celebrity press clutching their stomachs and complaining that they might have swine flu. One showbiz journalist in particular cannot believe how brave they are. Interestment does note, however, that they pretty much look the same as ever. In Sonia‘s case, slightly more beautiful.
In other shocking celebrity body alerts, it has been noticed that Madonna has got really weird arms, which appear gristly and strong, like a prisoner of war who passes the time oscillating between starving to death and doing press ups. Whilst the actress Anna Friel went to a polo match with a dress so plunging at the front that you could almost see her boobs.
Man still likes women…
Society is a very strange place, awash with weirdos with a very skew-if way of looking at things. The oddest groups are the ones who take some kind of virtue from being mean to people’s faces, because at least they’re not saying it behind their backs. Now, call us a bunch of sissies, but we’d rather be hated in private, thanks. That way we can bounce around on the day-to-day, naively convinced that everyone thinks we’re brilliant. We say all this with reference to Jade Goody, who was very much a say-it-to-your-face kind of gal, and who recently died from the dreaded cancer. She was certainly a big part of this strange skew-if society, as is her widowed husband Jack Tweed, who has been infuriating showbiz desks all around the country by repeatedly getting caught out and about having the time of his life with glamour girls. A hunch suggests that he might have misheard some good advice about “getting back on the whores”, but one journalist in particular seems pleased that Jack at least had the decency to cry after banging that glamour model when he was drunk.
In other important celebrity news The Cheeky Girls are still making music, and Annalynn McCord (pictured), the star of 90210, has demonstrated that sometimes life really can imitate art by enjoying a Malibu beach party for her birthday. Needless to say, showbiz desks have been left totally agog by this.
Madonna finally shows signs of ageing
Old Father Time is a cruel, white bearded man, possibly wearing a hat. We pretty much live by his rules, which dictate that we achieve our perfect body proportion for around two years in our late teens, and from then on in it’s a fierce battle to fool the world into thinking that you’re beautiful. Some of us dress cleverly, hiding our revolting blubbery guts behind flowing silk blouses, others head to the gym for a few hours every single day to burn off lunch, then turn breakfast into bulbous, vein-ridden muscles. It’s a game none of us can win. And yet, every day showbiz desks peppered all about the capital can be overheard squealing with delight at the sight of another victory for Old Father Time and his bludgeoning walking stick.
Only today, the withered elderly gent finally scored an important victory is his battle against Madonna, as she turned celebrity reporter’s stomachs with a set of bingo wings usually reserved for women in flowery dresses who spend the weekend scrubbing steps and swapping racist jokes with their neighbours. It’s a crushing defeat for the 50-year-old singer/dancer/adopter of many children, who will no doubt come out fighting with another book of nudes. Or a music video showcasing some pretty intense yoga sessions.
It’s not all bad news though, as some other withering flowers have come to a late blossom, as Jerry Hall – formerly of Mick Jagger wife fame (pictured) – took to a beach looking less like a 53-year-old former model, and more like a 46-year-old vegetarian. And 44-year-old Sandra Bullock has removed all of her clothes in a film without making anyone reel back with shock and start dry puking in the aisles. One showbiz reporter in particular assumes that such a story warrants a massive billing. Take THAT Old Father Time!
One of these is a bisexual gentleman…
If you’ve managed even a few moments of this year’s excellent edition of Big Brother, you might have noticed that The Bisexual Club is growing faster than the ever-expanding oozing death machine in The Blob. Kids on Facebook have twigged that double-gender sex can at least double the friends list, while all the latest pop stars and actresses like to remind the world as often as possible that their sexual desires are so complex and far out that you may as well just call them bisexual and be done with it. It’s wild, and showbusiness offices all over the capital have come to resemble Turkish steam rooms, after hard day after hard day of breaking bisexuality news. The latest of which concerns Duncan from Blue, a pouting ice dancer who thought that he needed to come out and tell the world that he sometimes does it with men. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson saying that he might have once killed a woman. Duncan went on to explain that he still likes breasts, so girls are in with a crack too. One celebrity journalist in particular appeared to think that this was big news.
In other magnificent showbusiness news, Demi Moore (below with Cameron Diaz) has left swathes of highly paid reporters agog by wearing a bikini on holiday and not looking totally disgusting, even though she’s like 60 or something. And Cheryl Cole has completely humiliated herself by accidentally getting a smudge of lipstick on her teeth. Triple cringe!
Somehow this woman is still attractive…
Of course, the last couple of weeks have been rocked by Michael Jackson suddenly clutching his chest and bidding a final whimper, which was such a surprise that certain circles seem to be questioning whether the whole thing is real or not. Pretty soon, all funerals will surely feature an open coffin and sticks lined up so that the mourning families can poke the corpse first, just to make double sure. It’s been a strange time. But one that hasn’t affected Elle McPherson, by the looks of things, as she shocked one showbusiness reporter in particular by turning up at a sexy car launch looking like she hadn’t a care in the world, as she sashayed around in a saucy gold number. She’s gorgeous, notes the journalist, and yet she’s 46 years old – doesn’t that make her an old woman? Apparently, in this day and age, not.
Elsewhere in the shiny world of beautiful celebrities, the footballer Jermain Defoe has been warming his midnight onions on the soft thighs of Imogen Thomas (below with Aisleyne) – you know, the Welsh girl off Big Brother. The pair strode down the road clutching hands like young lovers do, which has left one celebrity journalist in particular convinced that this might be the real deal.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
This woman’s been showing off…
Because most of us aren’t celebrities, our winters are spent face down in mashed potatoes, doing anything we can to stave off the cold. Famous people, however, zip off to sunny places to begin working on their bikini bodies. They will then spend the following summer showing off their thin stomachs, their skin as tight as a snare drum, and their perky, attentive bosoms. The rest of us either lie on our fronts, or desperately suck it all in and waddle as fast as possible into the sea. It’s not fair. And just this weekend, the one from the Pussycat Dolls who goes out with Lewis Hamilton has been showing off her bikini body on a Hawaiian beach holiday. Like many bikini bodies, it involves a taut angry abdominal area, vivid buttocks, and a tiny little swimsuit, this year in fashionable Eva Longoria stripes – as opposed to Julia Roberts spots. One showbiz reporter in particular thinks she looks really good, but wonders where Lewis Hamilton is. Have they split up? Or was he having a lie down? These are the questions, friends. These are the questions.
Elsewhere, Cheryl Cole has been showing off her bikini body, which this year makes her look very thin, a bit like one of those gaunt heroin chic models that we used to find so disturbing and emaciated back in the good old days. Should this worrying trend continue, next year, this year’s bikini knickers will hang off her like y-fronts on a skeleton. Start eating, Cole. And, over in Hollywood, Megan Fox (below) decided that her bikini body could be spectacularly shown off under a sexy red dress. Hollywood insiders have been left in a stunned silence by her confusing mixture of demure sensuality and drunken sailor tatts. It’s as though Captain Birdseye ripped open his captain’s jacket to reveal a pair of absolutely gorgeous breasts. Kind of..
Woman wears blue dress in public…
Some people argue that clothes have a use-by date. For example, once a man hits the age where his disgusting bulbous gut can be seen from half a mile away, it might be time to ditch the skin tight T-shirts emblazoned with things like The Goonies, or Welcome to the Gun Show. Their time, sadly, has passed. The same can be said of women in their 60s wearing boob tubes, and men over 28 attempting to carry off those stupid beaded necklaces that Europeans enjoy so much. They’re awful. Those are just the facts. One solid fact recently obliterated, however, is that 39-year-old women called Heather Graham can’t wear sexy blue dresses, with a split all the way up the side, and still look fantastic on a red carpet at the opening of a film called The Hangover. She bloody well can, apparently. Something noted by showbusiness desks all over London as pictures flooded in, leaving one journalist in particular completely agog. A remarkable lady. Remarkable.
Elsewhere in the world of glorious celebrity news, everyone has gone into hiding because Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, and is presumably on the hunt for meaningless intercourse with someone semi-famous. And Rachel Stevens – of pop stardom and getting mugged fame – has left the house, brandishing a great big space on her wedding finger where a gorgeous engagement ring used to live. Damn those street kids, damn them. Here she is enjoying happier times…
Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
… who once looked like this…
Fans of celebrities will have felt a gargantuan shift in the force over the weekend, as sixteen new faces ascended from everyday society and became famous. There was hairy face, gay guy, the blonde things, posh stuff, Ivan Drago, ink eyes, titchy feet, bitch mouth, Kooks-alike, porn junkie, Sree, Johnny Rotten and Brazil. Plus a couple of others. Names that will now be forever etched in our minds, new faces that we can stop and point at when they’re just trying to buy some Tampax and get home. Plus, of course, more people readying themselves for Movida and Gaffney’s rampaging tongue. Good luck to them.
In big celeb spotting news, just last week, proven-celebrity-spotter Matt caught sight of Trevor Cleaver from Grange Hill. “Or, at least, I think it was him,” said Matt, helpfully. “He was jogging in the park, which is exactly what Cleaver would probably do now.” Unfortunately, Matt will not be winning this week’s mix tape. And that’s because this week’s big winner is newcomer to the site Patrick, who caught an eyeful of the wonderful – and a bit political – Joanna Lumley, shopping in Sainsburys. Not Harrods. Not Waitrose. Sainsburys. “She was wearing a wax jacket an’ all,” says Patrick.
The latest Interestment Mix Tape features Patti Smith and Brand Nubian.
What should a Hollywood star wear on holiday?
If you sensed a movement in the force today, don’t freak out, it’s just that some pictures of Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives landed on a few extremely important showbiz desks. She’s on holiday in France. She’s wearing a bikini. Yeah, it’s pretty far out stuff. Hence, reporters have been going ballistic on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell she is doing in France, and, more importantly, where those lovely bikinis might be from – one of them is stripey, for Christ’s sake. Stripey. Does that mean we should all be wearing stripes? Julia Roberts was in spots the other week, now Longoria’s in stripes. Who do we listen to? Roberts or Longoria? It’s very unsettling, but these are exactly the kind of questions that we need to ask ourselves. One showbusiness reporter in particular is very impressed by her holidaying skills, and there are even a few brilliant photographs of her zipping around the sea on one of those water motorbike things. Good for her.
In other astonishing news, The Apprentice final will feature Kate Walsh (below) – the blonde one who talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those having a stroke adverts – and Yasmina Siadatan, who spent most of last night’s episode explaining that her only weakness is that she has too many strengths. Our money is on Kate winning the job, and Yasmina embarking on a life-long mission to avenge her humiliation on national television, which ends with her driving a javelin through Sir Alan Sugar’s heart at the 2012 Olympics. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Couple to breed a super-race?
Breeding is a fascinating process, where the hope is that the end product (ie. baby) will have taken the good traits from each parent. Hideous mistakes have threatened to happen in the past, like the time everyone thought that Julia Roberts might have a child with a Country and Western Lyle Lovett rat face and her prickly personality. And the debate about euthenasia was once again brought up in whispering circles when it was rumoured that Ashley Cole had done it unprotected with his mirror-image around the back of Chinawhites. As it turns out, that was just a bad dream. Now, the latest couple daring to throw together some x and y chromosomes are Phil and Kate from The Apprentice. You know, Phil and Kate. He’s the one with the really deep voice who got sacked, and she’s the pretty one who might win, even though she talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. Talking to a showbusiness magazine, Phil said something along the lines of, “I’m a winner, I always get what I want, I’m the best, I will marry her, Sir Alan, I will definitely marry her… just make me project manager, I’ll show you that I can… LET ME SPEAK, YOU WILL GET YOUR TURN… I just want to prove that I will marry her… I’m a great salesperson, I will marry her, I love her… she’s good looking, I will marry her…” Et cetera.
In other thrilling news, the good morning everyone television presenter and horrible ballroom dancer, Kate Garraway, stunned the entire nation by leaving the house wearing a pair of leggings, even though she’s completely pregnant. We couldn’t get those pictures, so we got another one…